Free Pot May Supplement Sociable Security

(Old Maid Mine) Legislators meeting here in closed door sessions this month have drafted a plan that would offer free marijuana to retirees living in Ouray County. The complementary herb would be given to anyone currently entitled to Social Security benefits.

Over the past decade the number of those qualifying for economic guarantees has skyrocketed leaving coffers alarmingly low on funds and prompting officials to seek other means to placate the aging population. Although marijuana is technically illegal in many other locales, law makers here appear convinced that pettiness and blind-eye legality are the least of their concerns.

“We just pass a law or two that allows anyone over 65 or so immunity from prosecution, “said one legislator who demanded animosity. “Cultivating this cash crop will not only help make the golden years more enjoyable but will provide agricultural jobs for the landed peasantry and allow us expanded means of keeping our books in the black.”

According to the hastily formatted blueprint people who qualify for benefits at 62 will receive lower grade marijuana than those who opt to wait until they are 66 to collect the stipend. Those waiting longer will reap larger harvests of locally grown kind bud.

“We hope that this will encourage recipients to wait just a little bit longer to begin collecting. Who knows? The entire program could then be expanded to include all citizens where the herb could be taxed and the profits, after administrative costs of course, could be pumped back into the system thus rescuing our sacred institutions from bankruptcy.”

“One of our more progressive congressmen is set to sponsor a bill just as soon as the opinion polls have come in,” said one proponent of the action. “We expect the response in the House to be favorable and later much the same in the Senate when elected officials have ample time to consider the pros and cons of the measure.”

Most state officials, meanwhile, say privately that any bill to legalize marijuana will pass easily and balance the books over at the Sociable Security Administration.

“Fiscal priorities have always taken precedence over perceived morality,” said the legislator, “at least that’s how it’s been going in this country since 1782.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe