Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money

(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.

Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.

“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”

This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.

The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.

“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.

“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”

The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly

The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.

“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”

Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.

-Tommy Middelfinger