Fictitious writers get death threats at ‘Shoe

Police report no breakthrough on who or whom is sending multiple death threats to an assortment of nom de plumes at the San Juan Horseshoe publishing company in Mañana Vieja. The alleged felony menacing and substantiated barrage of negative mail has everyone on edge, especially the paper’s impressive roster of imaginary writers and contributors.

Despite written and recorded threats referencing violence “in close proximity to the well being of an assortment of nom de plumes*” (nom de guerre in the proper sense) the authorities can do nothing.

“We don’t have a body. We don’t have fingerprints or DNA. We don’t have a bio or a mug shot of the victim or even evidence of a motive,” said Sheriff George Fitzboodle.”Without corpus delicti, habeas corpus or maybe that quid pro quo we are helpless to act.”

Fitzboodle added that his team was monitoring the situation and had reached out to the imagined yet shaken journalists. He then called the San Juan Horseshoe “a living tribute to literary schizophrenia” before presenting the men’s room key to Horseshoe principles in attendance during the formal complaints.

“Right now we just have to wait and see how this develops,” the officer explained. “We can’t put them into any protection program because they don’t really exist, now do they?”

Several editors have been detained over the years for harboring imaginary friends. One says:

“Consider, for just a moment, the expense keeping living-breathing scribes in alcohol. It’s not gonna happen,” said one under editor. “On the other hand we must be able to protect our pen names, our ghost writers and our loyal opinion page warriors or what’s the point of selling real estate and funeral parlor ads at all?” he choked up.

Fitzboodle went on to conclude that the publisher couldn’t afford a real staff to engage in inter-office fashion shows and mope around all week waiting for fresh paychecks.

“So we’re firing everyone,” he smiled, “except our nom de plumes. “If I had a platoon of these fictitious writers I could retake the Panama Canal!”

In a related development police intercepted a play action kidnapping earlier today whereupon three awkward nom de plumes were allegedly pushed into a white utility van and sped off into the mountains. When the cops caught up to the two kidnapping suspects they were sitting there alone and breaking no laws.

This episode led to the police asking the obvious question: How could one be held for ransom if he/she isn’t really there? The investigating officer wrote a citation to the driver of the van for a low left front tire and then went for coffee.

These nom de plums have made their share of enemies over the years with many former co-workers coming out of the woodwork to jab at them and put them down as sanctimonious parasites.

“Many of them are odd, ego-testical grumps who spend contiguous Saturday nights behind a keyboard and a bottle,” said Old Man Pritchard, a former sports writer who lost his column to a pen name in 1987. “And that’s just the women.”

“These are not real people even if they think they are living, breathing specimens of fine regard,” he spat. “Most can’t spell worth a damn either and would have been long gone if they didn’t always bring donuts to work in the morning.”

MANY OF OUR READERS

have written in asking for clarity on several terms associated with the nom de plume. Yes, alias is one of the most popular substitutes, though incorrectly used most of the time. It implies that someone has a less than stunning past or that something shady is about to go on.

However: With an alias you can open a bank account in this name so long as a Tax ID or SS # associated with the account.

Another woman asked about the use of stage names that do little to hide identity, gender or race once the curtain falls.

“Thinly veiled threats, disguised as a difference of opinion or a plea for funds are off the table these days,” quipped Dr. George Eliot, a psych-social worker from Mark Twain – Lorenzo Da Ponte School for the Criminally Insignificant. The if you know what’s good for you card has been thrown from the deck. This kind of crude intimidation is seriously akin to beating up on Elmer Fudd, an avowed hate crime.

*a pseudonym or assumed name located somewhere between no-matter and nomadic in The Queen’s Dictionary of Remote Vegetable Names and Counter Mold

HERE IS OUR LIST

of famous authors and their pen names. Can you connect the right author with the right nom de plume? You will notice the number associated with each group is ten, which translates into a nine-person keystone line-up card with a designated hitter in the wings.

Authors: Cecil Day-Lewis, Brian O’Nolan, Chloe Ardelic Wofford, Harold Rubins, Irwin Shamforoff, Dean Koontz, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, CS Lewis, William Sydney Porter, Mitt Romney

Nom de Plumes: Toni Morrison, Harold Robbins, Leigh Nichols, Lewis Carroll, NW Clerk, Pierre Delecto, O. Henry, Nicolas Blake, Flan O’Brien, Irwin Shaw

Bonus Question: What was Voltaire’s nickname in third grade?

For a related story…

Horseshoe Slaps Franchise Tags on top “pretend” writers

Melvin Toole, Uncle Pahgre, Fred Zeppelin, Susie Compost, Tommy Middlefinger, Pepper Salt, Small Mouth Bess, Rocky Flats and Gabby Haze agreed to No-Trade contracts today while sensitive terms such as POX News, the Elves Club, Region Zen, Mañana, Confront Range, Refried News and Pea Green Symphony Orchestra will continue to be stored deep beneath the vaults at Cheyenne Mountain until logic and empathy dominate gov’ment policy.

-Kashmir Horseshoe