FBI To Investigate Broken Campaign Promises

(Washington) The Federal Bureau of Investigation has penciled in an assortment of raids aimed at prosecuting politicians suspected of reneging on campaign promises.

Following the most recent elections the law enforcement branch has logged countless complaints from citizens as to abuses from the podium to the social arena. Since 1980 the FBI has been compiling endless reams of video tape featuring politicians in the heat of campaigning. It now appears a strike is imminent.

Armed with clear evidence of outright lying and insider misrepresentation the FBI admits that it will not be able to investigate every complaint. Instead it will focus on the heart of exploitation from the White House to the Congress.

“We can’t bust every two-bit politician who’s promised his constituency that he will slay the dragon for them,” explained one FBI agent. “We’d have to build more jails or legalize more drugs to make room for the new inmates.”

Operating on the age-old adage that if his/her mouth moves he/she is lying the FBI is conscious of red flag behavior such as baby kissing, mindless glad-handing and pork barrel appointments. In addition fiscal records have been confiscated where heavy-handed special interests have contributed vast sums to a candidate.

“A politician’s benefactors want something back for their money and we’ll be on the lookout for good-old-boy-ism and cronyism in Washington. Hopefully it will send a message to all the jerkwater charlatans holding office across this great land that we mean business.”

Breaking political promises is lying but if the poltroon electorate doesn’t wise up that sociopathic behavior will continue to flourish as part of our dilapidated system.

“The uninformed voter is a danger to himself and others,” said the source. “That’s why these parasites continue to get elected.”

– Melvin O’Toole