EPA bigwig says oil spills are good for us

(Washington) Despite longstanding clean water and toxic air limitations the newly restructured Environmental Protection Agency has broken ranks with former colleagues and presented mounds of data to support its get tough relationship with the host planet, Earth..

Calling oil spills “organic” one EPA bureaucrat who came to work today likened the man-made disasters to good grooming in people. He eluded to tree huggers jumping the gun saying that oil floating on the sea kills harmful bacteria and detours predators like sharks and jelly fish from contact with humans.

EPA spokesmen storms the Potomac beach at Montross, Virginia to discuss oil spills and sand with local media.

“These spills are like Vitalis or medicinal hairspray for your scalp,” explained the agency spokesman. “Oil cuts salt content in the sea making it better to drink the water. It’s kind of like petro-salinization without all the work. Oil spills are completely organic and stress on wildlife and water quality are simply collateral damage.”

The source went on to describe the infinite benefits of modern petroleum drilling and transport of crude. He suggested that citizens would not be happy if they can’t buy gasoline or embrace petroleum-based products such as plastics and many recreational goods.

“Oil-stained fur on bunnies and petroleum-feathered birds are not our concern at this time,” said a recent EPA press release. “We have other fish to fry.”

“In a world of black and white this is clearly black and white,” said an activist quoting the current Clean Air Act which blames industry for 93% of all oil-related accidents since 1990. “Will we stand idly by as these wealthy derrick pumpers dictate policy?”

The activist went on to say that the combination of money and arrogance has created a dangerous climate where safety and competence take a back seat to expediency and often a blind eye.

“These oil companies think they are bullet-proof because they have been exactly that over the past two decades. They would rather be fined than spend money up front on prevention.”

An undetermined number of EPA employees vocally support the agenda empowered by the Trump Administration but none is willing to put opinions in writing. Others acquiesced, mumbling about paying lip service to keep their jobs through the next 3.5 years. 

In closing, the EPA says it will not undress accusations that a Congressional white wash spill has closed commercial ports all along the Atlantic Seaboard, bringing maritime commerce to a stunning halt on Monday.

– Fred Zeppelin

“God must love stupid people – He made so many of them.”

– Abraham Lincoln