Editor’s Coroner

Happy Hollandaise! This month we’re coming to you from the same place as we did in November, only it’s a different month and a different place. Can anyone tell us what month? That’s right, December, and it’s much like last year. Jingle Bells hasn’t changed. The elves don’t look much older. It’s dark early. The Broncos still stink. Big Business is still milking the public. The Homeland Security Agency is still counting paper clips and we’re still waiting for the big dump, of snow that is, followed by several larger, frightening accumulations of snow.

     One positive development that just came down is the announcement that our friends over at Wal-mart will close for the holidays so that somebody else can make a living for a change. Do you shop there? Shame on you. We hope you get a lump of used Chinese coal for Christmas. This is an evil corporation that mistreats your fellow man all over he world. Couldn’t you just buy your socks someplace else?

Imagine what it would be like to take off the entire month of January because the snow was too deep to go anywhere. Fiction? It used to be the norm, well almost the norm. That’s what the old timers told us when we were nippers. In any case, keep your cupboards filled, your stilts handy and your snowshoe socks dry.

Stories which merit attention this month include the latest segment of Lord of the Oil Rigs where Frotho and Texo find themselves transported to a sand-bagged Hobbit-hole just a few clicks from Baghdad’s Hard Rock Cafe in the Trump Towers. Who’s got the ring (or at least a pint) and where is Gandalf (played by Forest Whitaker) when we need a little magic?

Yes, the world is flat and getting flatter.

Trendy Middle East coverage: Funny how Palestinians think they are the good guys too. Thrill to vintage film of the annual Baghdad New Bath Party Christmas Gift Exchange in Eating Their Kurds Away. Over in Iran the big question remains: Do the weapons inspectors get to hang their stockings too?

Had enough? Did you know that many NFL players employ aliases to protect them from fiscal chicanery and other forms of fraud aimed at their pocketbooks? That’s why there are so many Smiths, Johnsons and Washingtons across the backs of jerseys. We cover the story in here. Another sports page gem tells us why lawsuits have overtaken jogging suits in the annual holiday fashion parade.

Don’t miss a candid conversation with Evelyn Marmotbreath as she shares with us recipes for Eating Patriotically. Right across the page take a look at Spicing Up Your Julgrot, and continued coverage on the arrest of freeze-dried giant, Little Jack Horner as a suspected terrorist. Let’s hang him from his plums!

This month’s News In-Depth takes us to the North Pole where Santa has threatened a run at the White House in 2020, as an Independent to boot. Will attempts by the Trump people to discredit him as a leftist make the decision for him? What about Hillary and her plan to train pig-tailed sloths to pick coconuts? Will Bill come on board after the last fiasco? What about Rand Paul? Has he survived any more beatings outside of his home?

In closing we’re happy to report that we’ve finally gotten the bears to sleep for the winter. Endless stories, lullabies, kisses on the forehead, glasses of water and promises of pancakes in the spring (with blue berries and whipped cream) did it. As in past years all winter residents, especially ice climbers, are asked to observe Quiet Zones above 8,000 feet until at least the Ides of March.

Quote of the month: “Mountain lions are of little use in a technological society.”        – Unknown.   

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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