DOW Doing Fine After Botched Hunting Season

(Denver) It’s business as usual in Division of Wildlife bunkers on North Broadway today despite what most Coloradans are calling the poorest hunting season since records have been kept. In what has all the earmarkings of a federal foul up, the 2013 hunting season has been put out to pasture.

Even though most merchants suffered economic losses due to DOW bungling there are certainly no plans for lay-offs or adjustments within the ranks of Game and Fish. Already the wardens of our deer and elk are making plans to sell more overpriced licenses next season.

“The problem is one of confusion mixed with arrogance,” said Melvin Toole, a hunter from Mack. “What’s all this business about drawing for regions and over-the-counter cow elk tags anyway? It’s just a mess. What’s wrong with the concept of three seasons? We had deer season first, then elk season followed by combined season. I for one favor a boycott on all this DOW crap and the return to farmer’s season.”

The last season mentioned by Toole involves poaching, a DOW term for people shooting their own deer and elk without bureaucratic intrusion.

“We don’t like to hear citizens talking like that, said Earl Tagger, a lifer at the division. “If everyone took that attitude we’d lose a bundle and wouldn’t be able to continue to finance our protective harassment of Colorado’s animals. We’d have to close down.”

Toole says collected statistics could be applied to bear, elk, salmon, coyotes, moose, marmots and even the wolves that we don’t have here.

“If the state boys would simply do their math they might fall across a valid conclusion from time to time,” said Toole. “Maybe a return to hunting cats would help preserve the deer herd. It’s too late to back off now. We’ve already messed with the natural order. Today survival of the fittest is defined as a game and fish employee who survives until retirement.”

Hunters’ rights groups add that there are more deer killed on the highway than were killed this season.

“Imagine a group of hunters from Pennsylvania who plan to come west but can’t figure out the seasons. We’ll soon be seeing these people in Wyoming and Idaho,” they say. “While some of our Colorado citizens think this is a good idea many of us look at the situation strictly from the economic realities of the past. Due to escalating license fees the classic good ol’ boys that used to come here every autumn can’t afford to do so anymore. Instead we get more rich folks from the suburbs and they’re just not as much fun to have around.”

In related news the federal gov’ment has announced plans to drop unearthed woolly mammoth DNA onto the plateaus of Northwest Colorado and release nomadic reindeer herds onto the ski slopes of Powderhorn, Monarch and Crested Butte. The forced hosting of reindeer is said to be payback for leased Forest Service land. The DNA, recently collected from the extinct woolly mammoths in ice encased Siberian caves, is reportedly to be nurtured for future cloning experiments.

Later the conclusive results of the research will be stored in Nevada, along with industrial residue, nuclear waste and other elements the human race has created but doesn’t know what to do with at present. – Suzie Compost