Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug

(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has taken aim at counteracting the affects of too often employed anti-depressant drug therapy. A breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.

Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for false happiness. It also represents major profits for the manufacturer.

A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen immediately.

Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.

“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”

One source told The Horseshoe that a pill to create temporary normalization had not been approved but was available various different colored markets, including the popular black one.

An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off medications, alcohol, television, sugar, tobacco, caffein and government is still in the works.

“We want to develop a daily popper to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Malcolm Lowry

Late of the Bowery

His prose was flowery

and often glowery.

He lived nightly, and drank daily

And died playing the ukelele.

                           – Malcolm Lowry, Epitaph