Deadline nears to write off lost golf balls

The Internal Revenue Service reminds us that Friday marks the termination of an innovative program that allows golfers to deduct the cost of lost golf balls from their 2018 federal income taxes. You may cheat at golf but now you won’t feel compelled to cheat at income taxes.

It’s pretty simple. Golfers can now embrace legal linkster subtractions from their bottom line when filing 1040s. In that once shameful arena called tax loopholes we see law-abiding taxpayers where we once saw crooks.

Losses must be documented according to a loosely fitting national tax code, although three balls per hole is the limit. Empty boxes and lengthy searches will not be accepted as validation of deficit or shortfall. Insiders say it is a windfall for sportsmen…much like how anglers enjoy trout credits and skiers profit with tight boot points.

Critics here in Colona say the programs aid only the rich and elite who already have the money for these pastimes. They say poor people who are actually in need of financial relief will never engage in golf, skiing or fly fishing due to prohibitive costs attached to the sports.

Look what I found!

“We’ll just throw them a soccer ball with their daily meat allotment and they’ll carry on like before,” said the wealthy author of many entitlement programs benefiting upper tier.

In other news:

Tattoo bans lifted by many local courses.

Controversial tattoo laws that have clouded the fairways this summer may be a thing of the past. Today three leading courses said they would drop the ban on weekdays for the fall.

Tattoos are still prohibited on many public courses and often frowned on at high dollar, malingering private clubs in Colorado.

“If they are stupid enough to pay our annual fees they can come play golf in a frilly lampshade and pearl-studded flippers for all we care,” said Efram Pennywhistle, heir of the Want to Be Rubber fortune and veteran sand trap marshal.

Golfers playing through November are reminded that whack points awarded for hitting other golfers do not include those over 90 who are not really moving. These bonus gift points can only be accumulated in the summer and in no way reflect handicaps.

Also: Golfers who walk courses rather than ride carts could attain the coveted surfer status by the first snowfall whether it arrives in November or May. Although provisional, the recognition is final only after riding a slicing riptide across the Pacific to China.

-Alfalfa Romero