Crested Butte Extends Liquor Licenses

(Gothic) In an attempt to relieve the tight housing crunch, the Town of Crested Butte has issued 24-hour liquor licenses to many wet establishments here. The move is aimed at giving the houseless a place to spend the night.

“Let’s not confuse the houseless with the homeless,” said Darci Vega, originator of the controversial plan. “These local poor souls are simply inconvenienced for the time being and will probably find accommodations in a few weeks while the homeless are those other people who are not affected by seasonal considerations.”

The plan is expected to increase the tax base significantly while keeping folks off the streets on cold nights.

“Some people never knew when to go home before,” said Bill Dickerson, former Mt. C.B. burgermeister and recent proprietor of the Talk of the Town pub. “With the new proposal that decision has been made much easier for them. We support the idea, even though we’ve been forced to put on another shift. You just haven’t lived until you watch a customer scarf down a chili dog with his corn flakes at 6 o’clock in the morning.”

– Mel Toole

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, alleging that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.”

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice.

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number 1199, has been issued and persons who fail to file a return and comply with the newest regulations could be deported. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke.

“The guy was so shifty, so creative that we hired him and he now works for us! There are criminals everywhere blending in with the peasant population. Don’t these people realize that we need their mandatory fiscal contributions to keep the country running smoothly?” -Kashmir Horseshoe

LIFT TICKETS REPLACED BY TATOOS

(Crested Butte) In keeping with a pledge to save paper and aluminum, CBMR will replace the traditional lift ticket with a tattoo next year. According to a marketing source, the actual substitution will come in the form of designated tattoos and/or a combination of the marks.

People who buy a Gold Pass will receive a gold tattoo designed to last through the April closing date. This tattoo will allow them to board lifts on any date during the season. Persons purchasing a Silver Pass will likewise receive a silver tattoo which slightly limits access to the mountain. The Bronze Pass will be replaced by a bronze tattoo, in keeping with corporate uniformity.

Single and multiple day skiers will receive a temporary “I Actually paid full price” tattoo on the arm or leg when they arrive to ski. Designs likely to be popular include the ever-popular “Mom”, the multi-colored butterfly, “Hell’s Angels-Frisco”, GAP, the Coors Lite logo, the marijuana leaf, the Denver Broncos or various military insignias.

Tattoos on the posterior will not be accepted for lift access on holiday weekends or during spring break.

“Move over Free Skiing!” exclaimed the CBMR source. “Once again we find ourselves as the prototype of skiing in the 21st Century. Just wait until Aspen and Vail find out what we’re up to. They’ll shit a brick.”

Although sources here admit that things could get chaotic at first, they feel the new system has many merits. Beginning in June, several hundred tattoo artists from 17 states and 12 foreign countries will attend a week of seminars aimed a facilitating the move. Then, in July lift operators will undergo two weeks of concentrated instruction on the ancient art of tattooing. They will then prick and ingrain their co-workers with an assortment of tattoos ranging from lift op to ski patrol to food service.

By August most employees will be tattooed and the slope faithful will be scheduled, not for pass photos, but for seasonal tattoos of their own.

“We are certain the idea will fly,” said the source. “The tattoos will no doubt become status symbols and if the snow is scarce, one can still show off his or her design in the bars or on some faraway Caribbean beach.”

-Dude Skuldiver

—APOLOGY—

Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at Crested Butte Veterinary Clinic on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on March 6. The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through March 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground. Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Mt. Crested Butte, CB South, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics in the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization. More on this when it becomes available.