Congress OKs cardboard cutout attendance

(Freeze-dried files-Soggy Bottom) Putting off what many consider more pressing legislation the US Senate today passed a less than steadfast attendance bill allowing cardboard cutouts to replace Congressmen in the House and Senate chambers.

Dubbing the action a safety precaution in the face of Coronavirus-19, backers of the decree insist that elected officials should be deferred from showing up to a poorly ventilated room where, despite social distancing and regular testing, threatens the well-being of the nation’s leaders.

“It will also free up elected officials to campaign, schmooze with donors and have lunch with lobbyists,” said Marigold Finn, who has been employed as an organic gardener at the Capitol since 1979.

“Just because the temporary president eats his meals out of a cardboard box doesn’t mean we should all follow suit,” she said.

Cardboard cut-outs are cleaner, safer but even more irrelevant say detractors who call the move “slothful, loathsome and seriously misleading.”

Although procedurally questionable the edict looks certain to become law.

“It’s a matter of national security and besides baseball is doing it,” said a hoax-monger from the Great Midwest. “Now what could be more American than that?”

Critics called the move “cosmetic and toothless at best” slamming this emerging modus operandi as “another attempt to distract the public just as the Congress votes on another pay raise next week.

One billionaire politician from Georgia says she’s only in it for the glory…and the money…and the benefits.

“I am honored to serve my country,” she murmured. “I can just catch up with any missed governing on C-Spam. All we have to do is show up in a tie or nice dress every so often. What’s the rub? It’s all partisan voting anyway”.

 – Steely Headlands