Checkpoints for Migrating Neanderthals Slated

(Montrose) Local police and Highway Patrol will begin conducting surveillance on yet another alien species this fall. Undisclosed, secret barriers, aimed at catching humans with high Neanderthal DNA, will grace major intersections, state crossings and even some international borders. Many humans retain higher levels of this recessive DNA and have been deemed a threat to the Republic. The legal limit is 0.12%.

Police hope that they can round up all these crossbreeds before they cause problems.

“We think many are terrorists or potentially disruptive forces since they claim allegiance to no particular country,” said one monitoring officer. “No, they aren’t from other planets or even Cro-Magnon in appearance, but they are different from us and that sends up a red flag in my department.”

When humans first migrated out of Africa to Eurasia 60,000 years ago they met their cousins the Neanderthals as well as Denisovans and interbred. The descendants of these often one night stand liaisons make up a majority of the human race. Now that Neanderthal man is thought to be completely extinct, scientists have attempted to isolate the carry-over gene and determine how much Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon has survived the centuries.

Already some 400 citizens have been detained due to high incidence of traits and characteristics common to our predecessors. Charges, if any, are pending.

Researchers have determined that there may be as many as 8 distinct hominid species currently roaming the earth. These groups exhibit varied intelligence quotients and abilities to function within the system. Since all of these creatures resemble each other, it is difficult to pinpoint what are often major distinctions.

“These discoveries go a long way toward explaining versatility and pecking orders,” said one scientist, “but fall short of offering solutions in the case of our more disadvantaged brothers and sisters.”

Persons detained and indicted could lose migratory privileges, pay large fines and face mandatory attendance at prescribed anthropology classes. Most are looking at a few days in jail to boot.

Dr. Pill in what he jokingly calls his Before and After portrait which hangs in his Colona office. Recent Neanderthal digs in the region have cast positive light on a man who gained international prominence by substantiating evidence that most dinosaurs were ass holes back in 1993.

A local archeologist, known only as Doctor Pill, says his research indicates that this entire approach is highly illogical since it is very likely that the wrong species may have survived.

“Neanderthals had bigger brains and were far more formidable than Homo Sapiens yet disappeared some 40,000 years ago, said Dr Pill, who recently unearthed a massive Neanderthal graveyard under the Super Wal-Mart on South Townsend Avenue.

“Maybe, had they outmaneuvered the other tribal entities, these Neanderthals would have done a better job taking care of their native planet and policing the place. After all they were never exposed to Puritanism and the constant waves of guilt that followed,” said the scientist.