(From the back door of the Gunnison Times — November 13, 2014)
(Gunnison, CO) Sources at a plethora of state agencies say 2015 will see a combined canning season in Colorado. The increase in canners over the past five years has dictated the change.
“The number of canners here has increased from 18,498 to 29,488 since 2009, boasted Louella Hatchett of the State Canning Observatory in Parlin. “The days of separate seasons are all but over. It’s just too difficult to control the practice when undocumented people are coming out of the woodwork.”
The Colorado Division of Wildlife concurs, saying it will begin issuing combined canning licenses as early as May in an attempt to reel in rogue canners and vegetable hoarders. Canning related accidents and petty violations have risen almost 15% in five years.
“It’s time we screw down the lid and store the old practices for posterity,” continued Hatchett. “We intend to milk the out-of-staters so they don’t have any money to spend with local merchants who are just a bunch of privileged rich people who go on vacation every winter.”
Canners from all over the world descend on Colorado in the fall searching for erotic plants, magic mushrooms and edible rocks.
“Reloading has become a common practice since the invention of the henway in 2000,” she said. “We intend to get our piece of that pie as well.”
Since 1997 the SCO, in conjunction with the FDA, the DOW, the ATF, the EPA, the AEC, the MFT, the ACLU, the LBJ, and Homeland Security, has been tagging cans and monitoring health, breeding and migratory patterns of tomatoes and peppers.
“We’re reinvesting a good portion of the money collected to establish a strict regiment in dealing with an array of storage receptacles, just as we do with the king’s deer,” explained Hatchett. “So far our researchers have pumped $200,000 into the kitty to confirm that these canning devices are immune to disease, sterile and relatively immobile.” – Suzie Compost

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