All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Coalition Bombing Up In Air

The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?

Lobbying Reviewable in 2016

The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.

Mice Active in Wake of El Nino

Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.

Western Colorado Report  —  November 4, 2015

Bear Launch Website

(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)

(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.

It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.

The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.

“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”

Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”

Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.

“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel

Hunting Camp Magic!

(Uncompahgre Plateau) Here in fading light we experience a rare glimpse into the mystique of the fall ritual. Hunting camp falls silent at exactly the moment when all the deer and elk are hung and all the beer is gone. Moments after this shot life returned to normal as thirsty hunters tore down camp and packed up for a trip to the freezer and later the culinary galaxies of elk steak and venison stew. Persons remaining in the woods are reminded that helicopter beer drops will continue only until November 15. Participating liquor stores are Gunnison Liquors and Ouray Liquors as well as The Liquor Store and Bottle Barn in Montrose. Ask them about the Horseshoe Discount.  (October 29, 2015)

Old Fart Accepted by Webster’s

(Linguistics of London — October 23, 2015)

The term Old Fart will be included in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus for 2016 according to wordsmiths and language gurus here. The label, which is sometimes considered derogatory, denotes age and, in some cases, attitude. It has nothing to do with aroma or personal hygiene.

“We have added Old Fart to our roster due to colloquial considerations, repeated use within the population, and familiarity,” said Wanda English, a standup editor with the prestigious dictionary concern. “Like it or not, Old Fart has forced its way into our idiomatic legions and is poised to take its rightful place between Old English and old fashioned.”

Although probably incorrect in a political sense, the dimensions of the grammatical reference include abbreviations, synonyms, relevant usage and even Morse code tables.

“Nobody is saying the idiom exemplifies proper or even acceptable language but we are including Old Fart because it is a valid expression in the 21st Century,” said English,

“Virtually everyone knows what it means. Grace and precision are the main considerations in determining our wordy roster and common use dictates the parameters and accessibilities offered to persons of intelligence.”

English was quick to point out that the use of this term in face–to-face encounters in no way offers protection from canes, false teeth bites or other handy weaponry long associated with the elderly.
– Kashmir Horseshoe

Despite OBambicare Many Deer Uncovered

(Haley Draw — Bone Cracker Post — October 16, 2015)

A majority of the state’s deer and elk will have to sustain the rigors of hunting season without adequate medical coverage, it was disclosed today. Even with the implementation of the controversial Affordable Care Act (Obambicare) many will have no protection at all.

“OBambicare can be a little confusing, said a source at Game and Fish,” “I’m sure that the situation will resolve itself in about a decade or so.”
The only animals who will have major medical coverage are those who have purchased that service from the private sector. Those who had relied on the state to provide health insurance will be left out in the cold.

Life insurance benefits will remain much the same as they have in the past but wildlife officials urge all deer and elk to read the fine print before signing anything.”

“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
– Voltaire

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley  —  October 12, 2015)

Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”