All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Don Woodbury RIP

The Gunnison Valley lost a real good one with the recent passing of Don Woodbury. He will be missed.

Separation of Church and State Deemed Success

(Mao Clinic  —  September 17, 2016) The risky and highly experimental separation of church and state has been called a tentative success according to surgeons here. Although the patients have returned to their corners, lingering doubts clearly remain as to the long-term status of each.
The well-publicized medical procedure had been classified as an emergency after the two entities, despite stringent prohibition by the U.S. Constitution, grew to form an intimate relationship.
Chief Surgeon Max “Eddie” Rufus warned celebrants that it is still not clear how such often symbiotic institutions would function after the operation.
“Creeping control by religious groups is staunchly banned by our Constitution, a document often quoted but never read by most on the American Right,” he said. “Today we have politically charged preachers running churches that pay no tax. That is immoral. If these clerics tell their congregations how to vote, then their silly salvation machines must pay taxes too.”
Due to the emergency status all attending physicians are shielded from malpractice suits by either party. Doctors first recognized the trauma and symptoms in the early 1700s, but the Puritans and others squashed any attempts to solve the problem through medical means.
“It came off without a hitch,” said Dr. Cheshire Katt, a leading Siamese healer who wrote the book The Grand Surgery. It keynotes the dangers inherent in corporal and symbiotic codependencies.
“When we opened things up, we found two functioning brains and separate organs in place,” said the Siamese Katt.
Proponents of the treatment say the recovery must be closely monitored by citizens who are often more interested in shopping than their country’s good health.
“Our hopeful diagnosis is that people wake up,” he added
Full recovery could take up to 6,000 years according to Katt

– Fred Zeppelin

Highway Patrol, Handing Out Souvenirs of Colorado

Colorado Highway Patrol officers will be handing out expensive souvenirs of the Rocky Mountain State into the fall, it was disclosed today. The mementos, with a street value of up to $16,000, are commemorative of alcohol levels and bad decisions.

Motorists deemed to be under the influence of alcohol can purchase these custom keepsakes out on the highway or at any police station. They can often get their tickets punches simply by slamming a few beers then driving around. The mementos (often called DUIs) are locally produced and authentic replicas of the justice system that is in place to protect us from ourselves.

Visitors wishing to obtain a souvenir of this type are reminded that a long, continual relationship may be forged with local police and their computers. Consumer advocates strongly suggest that guests show some smarts and purchase a nice T-shirt or a photo of elk mating forgoing the more committal packages available on our roadways.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Outhouse tours in Alaska

Poster by Jeff Brown in Real Alaska Magazine

Trump, Hillary to employ shift

(Campaign, IL — Fleecing Flock Tribune — September 7, 2016)

In a turn away from workaday partisan politics, both Presidential candidates are employing “the shift” on each other and on millions of mystified American voters. First introduced by defenses on the professional baseball diamond, the shift moves players around in a non-traditional manner to best make use of computer-generated data on each hitter in a simulated situation.

Democrat Hillary Clinton will still have Bill out in right field but many of her top advisors and political hacks will find themselves hugging the line or stuck out behind second base when left-wing rhetoric is on the mound. Donald Trump will make use of a host of rookies (most veterans have abandoned him and his hair) in his attempt to choke off the long ball. Trump himself will be housed in the visitors’ dugout, gagged and handcuffed until the season is concluded.

Meanwhile, the American people “who deserve the government they get” gape on the sideline or in the light beer line. The Republicans want to make America Great while the Democrats want to extend the Obama legacy. The voters, many of whom sleep in on Election Day, just want to be told what to do and when to do it, here in the Land of the Free. The Dumbing of America has not only arrived but it has been welcomed.

Neither candidate has advanced a platform that undresses the pandemic problems of economic disparity, bad schools, corporate welfare, global warming, the Medical-Insurance-Pharmaceutical Complex, the crumbling infrastructure, the chaos of the Middle East, immigration or the chronic loss of everyday kindness that plagues the nation. As puffed up reflections of our sad society Hillary and Trump just move their mouths and the same old tired words march out.

“The shift was introduced to utilize statistics gathered on each player,” said Rocky Flats the manager and chief executive of the Nattering Nabobs, a Raton, New Mexico farm team. “If he pulls the ball or has had success hitting to the opposite field we move players around the diamond to compensate for strengths and weaknesses. It’s the same with elections only the repositioning is accomplished by the super delegates, the television networks and the people who actually run the country.”

Meanwhile the tax paying public gets screwed according to Flats who added that it appears

Miracle Putting School Investigated

(Manana, CO — Birdie Builder — August 31, 2016)

Bilked customers are crying foul, accusing the San Wedge Golf Academy of instructional abuse during its summer curriculum. In addition to exposure to harmful chemicals and vulgar language the students say they were regularly beaten and required to shag golf balls (often in their teeth). In addition it was compulsory to buy beers and lunch for instructors.

The putting department has come under close scrutiny claiming to produce miracles on the green. There have been no graduates of the school since it opened in 2003.

The accusations of violence concur with a recent investigation showing that corporal punishment, denial of food and water and forced labor were employed during the reign of King Bogey (2007 – 2114) in most of the official putting sessions conducted there.

“We were all too battered to hit the ball. Once they had our money they turned mean and insulting,” said one woman who hasn’t sunk a put since 1959. “They said it was progressive hypnotism but used nine irons on our shins, left us unattended in sand traps for days and made us play barefoot.”

She added that there were no holes on any of the greens and that the conditions there were akin to Saudi Arabia.

Principles at Twisted San Wedge did not return our phone calls Friday.

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Just tell the truth and people will laugh.” – Jonathan Winters