All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Pot Growing – The Alaskan way

Photo by Jeff Brown

Catsup Legislation on Hot Seat

(Bowling Green, OH — Meatball Examiner — May 2016)

A bitterly contested bill that would punish people who routinely abuse catsup has reached the Colorado Senate this morning. Having passed the House by a vote of more than 3 – 1, the bill seems destined for approval despite heavy lobbying. Attempts to kill the legislation in committee failed and were tabled until tomatoes begin to taste like tomatoes again.

Big Catsup, as represented by Heinz and other mega concerns say the passage of the bill would mean restrictive measures on catsup users upsetting the flow and creating unemployment.

Supporters of the legislation say chefs, cooks, and backyard connoisseurs deserve some relief. They contend that the entire culture is up against the wall of catsup.

“We do not want to criminalize the use of catsup,” said one proponent of the bill. “We just want to discourage its use with certain food groups and certain preparations of certain food groups.”

The issue of catsup abuse has been constantly deferred while the state nonchalantly promises to prosecute him but not her and those people but not the others. It is clear we need state and federal agencies to keep the lid on here.

“Any item that takes more than 20 minutes to prepare should be restricted from the mindless application of catsup,” popped in one supporter of tighter controls. “Omelets, fish, prime cuts of meat and most ethnic food should never be catsup tampered or in any way transformed by the application of sweet, cold tomato sauce.”

In related news, burger magnate Ronald McDonald, the fast food clown who succeeded in convincing the federal gov’ment that catsup was a vegetable back in 1982, was run over by a tofu truck in Grand Junction this afternoon. He passed on after a short struggle on the cold floor of one of his nearby restaurants, a fighter until the end.

– Hymie Heinz

Warning: Newsprint Unsafe?

(Tomichi, CO — Thames Times — June 17, 2016)

The long held practice of wrapping fish and chips in common newsprint has come under attack once again by journalists and consumer groups concerned with health and safety of hungry diners.

Thanks to an indignant piece appearing in Stiff Upper Lip, a somewhat flippant culinary magazine circulated in Great Britain, the cleanliness of newsprint has once again been called into question. According to the author the food is exposed to the ink and chemicals inherent to the wrapping paper. In addition the paper is likely to be germ-ridden due to exposure to vermin in plants and press rooms.

The introduction of malt or vinegar to the traditional fish and potato fare is like “mixing tainted combustibles or frayed explosives” then serving them to the unwary public. The results, so it says, can be disastrous. The article goes on in small print to admit that although the newsprint might not be appetizing, there has never been a recorded death linked to the consumption of the staple/newsprint combination.

In fact, no one has ever reported getting ill from the procedure.

When contacted by phone over the noon hour the majority of the fish and chip stands in Manchester and Leeds said they would continue to wrap the product in newspapers in support of the Fourth Estate in the country. Data collected on the affects of eating greasy food wrapped in electronic websites was inconclusive and thrown into the trash.

– Alfalfa Romero

U-KLEEN-IT Chain Opens on Slope

(Ridgway, CO — Satin Pillows to Cry On — June 11, 2016)

An innovative approach to lodging costs is on the horizon. The first U-KLEEN-IT motor lodge is slated to open this fall according to elated owners who currently operate like facilities in Utah and Wyoming.

The innkeepers plan to open motels all over Colorado where the guest does his own housekeeping.

The concept is a simple one. Each guest checks into a reasonably clean room in the evening and before checking out the next morning gives the place a good once over: washing sheets, vacuuming, taking out the trash, making beds. If the place looks good he can expect to take a discount of up to 35%. off the price of the room. Guests can save even more by bringing their own towels and toilet paper.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with the bathrooms, winced the director of Custodolounge Inc., U-Kleen-It’s parent corporation on the Western Slope. “Most people don’t mind the basic cleanup but hesitate when it comes to scouring the ceramic, if you catch my drift.”

Local lodge owners agree that the idea, along with this news story, is stupid and will never fly.

“This is a pinhead’s way to do business,” said one. “We can’t even get our clients to wash their own dishes.”

– Julienne Pettifogger

Nancy Reagan Opium War Atrocities Cited

(Santa Barbara — Boxer Blues — May 30, 2016)

With a full disclosure pending, a spokesman for the late Nancy Reagan has conducted a tight-lipped denial of involvement in the Opium War, fought between Britain and China in the 1840s. Reagan, who had not been believed to be that old, was allegedly up to her neck in the transportation of opium, despite later distinguishing herself with the phrase “Just Say No.”

That was about the time a young, now deceased, Ronald Reagan began his decades-long romance with Laudanum. The connection here seems clear enough. Whether either of the Reagans knew about or actively participated in any battles was never established.

Attorneys for the former President and First Lady confirmed that they would address grievances adding that any Chinese resident who could prove he or she as alive and affected 150 years ago would be given a Gold Gucci credit card, compliments of Reagan Estate.

(The details in this story are not true but printed anyway as has become the fashion of the modern media. In short, if Faux News can broadcast hateful lies about living persons we can print ridiculous lies about the deceased.)

Ex-Governor Toole “Stable” After Exploratory Amputation

(Cody, WY — AMA Newsletter #611 — May 26, 2016)

Former Wyoming Governor, Melvin Seymoure-Toolebottom III, was listed in stable to good condition this morning after yesterday’s amputation of his head. The surgery, conducted to terminate the spread of infectious thinking, was deemed successful at the time of this release.
The virus-generated infection reportedly ran from his mouth all the way through the back of Toolebottom’s occipital muscle and upward embracing his cerebral falx. These organs were found to be in severely degenerated condition prompting the doctors to amputate without further ado.
“Now it’s up to the pharmaceutical gods and good grace,” said one surgeon after the ordeal.
Besides the life-threatening malady Toolbottom also suffered from a nasty case of wind gangrene and chronic trout breath syndrome which doctors feel “will subside with the removal of all matter higher than his shoulders.”
Toolbottom is currently undergoing bad food and television therapy, a treatment perfected by Mao Clinic during the Long March in 1934-35. Prior to the surgery he was a violent and angry patient. Now he is relaxed and cooperative, according to attending nurses on duty.
“He hurled bedpans at televisions and climbed up the drapes,” explained one doctor. “Then he tried to sabotage the hospital regimen by ordering a pizza rather than dine with the rest of the ailing and recovering clientele. That’s when all authority broke down and we decided to cut.”
Toolbottom recently alarmed political cronies in the Equality State when he suggested that everyone work together for the common good and stop being so selfish in their daily lives.
“That, my friends, is a bad apple talking….one that must be removed from the barrel before it ruins the harvest,” said the doctor. “I didn’t spend all that money and all that time in medical school for anyone’s common good.”

– Small Mouth Bess