All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Toole Tapped as Martian Ambassador
(Ganymede — The Universe Express — Aug 23, 2016)
President Obama today appointed tireless diplomat, Melvin Toole as pro them ambassador to the planet of Mars.
Resource discoveries, corporate expansionism and projections of colonization/ exploitation by earthlings prompted the move, called premature by alarmist politicians, intent on building fences on earth.
“Although Mariner 9 and Viking Orbiter have not documented clear signs of life, intelligent or otherwise, the United States should be first to recognize the possibility of alien civilizations there and refine out logistical position to communicate with same,” said an administration source. “Soon we could sell them manufactured goods if we still made anything here.”
Us Consulate on Mars
“Actually we’re talking about a consulate, not a full blown embassy,” said the White House spokesperson. “Mr. Toole, if approved by Congress, would be only a figurehead, not an official ambassador although he would earn benefits such as a lifetime pension, health insurance as well as access to limos, and sailboats just like our beloved Congress.”
The position would pay minimum wage, seen by a flock of experts as clearly insufficient for survival on the Red Planet. The real financial payoff lies in after-dinner speaking engagements and a spot as a lobbyist down the road.
“We want to get one of our people in place before the Russians beat us to the punch,” said the spokesperson, arrogantly deflecting questions about budgetary concerns, crumbling infrastructure and the breakdown of social fabric here on earth.
“If we go there they’ll come here,” said one Republican candidate for President who demanded anonymity. “We need to build intergalactic walls, end entitlements, cut spending on education and further beef up our military spending to combat this new threat.”
How these developments would affect the Second Coming was not immediately clear after this morning’s press conference.
“Actually it is only a consulate and not a bona fide embassy,” the source reiterated. “It will only cost the taxpayer a billion or so and some change. What is much more disturbing is the Christian Right’s call for a forward military base, disguised as a welcome center, on Pluto.”
Lower jet fuel prices, although they have not lowered the price of air travel on earth, were cited as a positive element in the decision to go to Mars in the first place. A secondary consideration has always been a desire on the part of the Obama Administration to give our astronauts, chimp or human, the opportunity for some hands-on experience in outer space.
“We hope that the future generations of this great nation can then have more creative vacation options, surpassing even Disneyland, Cancun or Branson,” he smiled. “Imagine playing 18 at Aurorie Sinus or a day of shopping at the Planum Boreum Mall. We fully intend to export good ol’ American culture just as soon as we find some.”
A consulate requires a smaller staff than an embassy and often sees the resident ambassador mowing the law band taking out the trash where in a full diplomatic mission where those chores are generally performed by a native staff.
“I don’t give a tinker’s damn about the formal designation,” quipped a reclusive Toole from his floating library somewhere deep in the Rockies. “They say there may still be water there and I’m all about that! Besides that I love to surf, kayak and water board, and I hate crowds. Besides, I lived in Grand Junction for six months when I was a kid so the acclimatization should be a piece of cake.”
– Julienne Pettifogger
Now you can listen faster!
Another gem by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington — July 12, 2016) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”
-Dinty Moore
The throne in the woods
Bano en las Sangre de Cristos. (Photo by Delinda Austin – July 5, 2016)
Pot Growing – The Alaskan way
Photo by Jeff Brown
Catsup Legislation on Hot Seat
(Bowling Green, OH — Meatball Examiner — May 2016)
A bitterly contested bill that would punish people who routinely abuse catsup has reached the Colorado Senate this morning. Having passed the House by a vote of more than 3 – 1, the bill seems destined for approval despite heavy lobbying. Attempts to kill the legislation in committee failed and were tabled until tomatoes begin to taste like tomatoes again.
Big Catsup, as represented by Heinz and other mega concerns say the passage of the bill would mean restrictive measures on catsup users upsetting the flow and creating unemployment.
Supporters of the legislation say chefs, cooks, and backyard connoisseurs deserve some relief. They contend that the entire culture is up against the wall of catsup.
“We do not want to criminalize the use of catsup,” said one proponent of the bill. “We just want to discourage its use with certain food groups and certain preparations of certain food groups.”
The issue of catsup abuse has been constantly deferred while the state nonchalantly promises to prosecute him but not her and those people but not the others. It is clear we need state and federal agencies to keep the lid on here.
“Any item that takes more than 20 minutes to prepare should be restricted from the mindless application of catsup,” popped in one supporter of tighter controls. “Omelets, fish, prime cuts of meat and most ethnic food should never be catsup tampered or in any way transformed by the application of sweet, cold tomato sauce.”
In related news, burger magnate Ronald McDonald, the fast food clown who succeeded in convincing the federal gov’ment that catsup was a vegetable back in 1982, was run over by a tofu truck in Grand Junction this afternoon. He passed on after a short struggle on the cold floor of one of his nearby restaurants, a fighter until the end.
– Hymie Heinz
