All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Trump, Hillary to employ shift
(Campaign, IL — Fleecing Flock Tribune — September 7, 2016)
In a turn away from workaday partisan politics, both Presidential candidates are employing “the shift” on each other and on millions of mystified American voters. First introduced by defenses on the professional baseball diamond, the shift moves players around in a non-traditional manner to best make use of computer-generated data on each hitter in a simulated situation.
Democrat Hillary Clinton will still have Bill out in right field but many of her top advisors and political hacks will find themselves hugging the line or stuck out behind second base when left-wing rhetoric is on the mound. Donald Trump will make use of a host of rookies (most veterans have abandoned him and his hair) in his attempt to choke off the long ball. Trump himself will be housed in the visitors’ dugout, gagged and handcuffed until the season is concluded.
Meanwhile, the American people “who deserve the government they get” gape on the sideline or in the light beer line. The Republicans want to make America Great while the Democrats want to extend the Obama legacy. The voters, many of whom sleep in on Election Day, just want to be told what to do and when to do it, here in the Land of the Free. The Dumbing of America has not only arrived but it has been welcomed.
Neither candidate has advanced a platform that undresses the pandemic problems of economic disparity, bad schools, corporate welfare, global warming, the Medical-Insurance-Pharmaceutical Complex, the crumbling infrastructure, the chaos of the Middle East, immigration or the chronic loss of everyday kindness that plagues the nation. As puffed up reflections of our sad society Hillary and Trump just move their mouths and the same old tired words march out.
“The shift was introduced to utilize statistics gathered on each player,” said Rocky Flats the manager and chief executive of the Nattering Nabobs, a Raton, New Mexico farm team. “If he pulls the ball or has had success hitting to the opposite field we move players around the diamond to compensate for strengths and weaknesses. It’s the same with elections only the repositioning is accomplished by the super delegates, the television networks and the people who actually run the country.”
Meanwhile the tax paying public gets screwed according to Flats who added that it appears
Miracle Putting School Investigated
(Manana, CO — Birdie Builder — August 31, 2016)
Bilked customers are crying foul, accusing the San Wedge Golf Academy of instructional abuse during its summer curriculum. In addition to exposure to harmful chemicals and vulgar language the students say they were regularly beaten and required to shag golf balls (often in their teeth). In addition it was compulsory to buy beers and lunch for instructors.
The putting department has come under close scrutiny claiming to produce miracles on the green. There have been no graduates of the school since it opened in 2003.
The accusations of violence concur with a recent investigation showing that corporal punishment, denial of food and water and forced labor were employed during the reign of King Bogey (2007 – 2114) in most of the official putting sessions conducted there.
“We were all too battered to hit the ball. Once they had our money they turned mean and insulting,” said one woman who hasn’t sunk a put since 1959. “They said it was progressive hypnotism but used nine irons on our shins, left us unattended in sand traps for days and made us play barefoot.”
She added that there were no holes on any of the greens and that the conditions there were akin to Saudi Arabia.
Principles at Twisted San Wedge did not return our phone calls Friday.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Just tell the truth and people will laugh.” – Jonathan Winters
Toole Tapped as Martian Ambassador
(Ganymede — The Universe Express — Aug 23, 2016)
President Obama today appointed tireless diplomat, Melvin Toole as pro them ambassador to the planet of Mars.
Resource discoveries, corporate expansionism and projections of colonization/ exploitation by earthlings prompted the move, called premature by alarmist politicians, intent on building fences on earth.
“Although Mariner 9 and Viking Orbiter have not documented clear signs of life, intelligent or otherwise, the United States should be first to recognize the possibility of alien civilizations there and refine out logistical position to communicate with same,” said an administration source. “Soon we could sell them manufactured goods if we still made anything here.”
Us Consulate on Mars
“Actually we’re talking about a consulate, not a full blown embassy,” said the White House spokesperson. “Mr. Toole, if approved by Congress, would be only a figurehead, not an official ambassador although he would earn benefits such as a lifetime pension, health insurance as well as access to limos, and sailboats just like our beloved Congress.”
The position would pay minimum wage, seen by a flock of experts as clearly insufficient for survival on the Red Planet. The real financial payoff lies in after-dinner speaking engagements and a spot as a lobbyist down the road.
“We want to get one of our people in place before the Russians beat us to the punch,” said the spokesperson, arrogantly deflecting questions about budgetary concerns, crumbling infrastructure and the breakdown of social fabric here on earth.
“If we go there they’ll come here,” said one Republican candidate for President who demanded anonymity. “We need to build intergalactic walls, end entitlements, cut spending on education and further beef up our military spending to combat this new threat.”
How these developments would affect the Second Coming was not immediately clear after this morning’s press conference.
“Actually it is only a consulate and not a bona fide embassy,” the source reiterated. “It will only cost the taxpayer a billion or so and some change. What is much more disturbing is the Christian Right’s call for a forward military base, disguised as a welcome center, on Pluto.”
Lower jet fuel prices, although they have not lowered the price of air travel on earth, were cited as a positive element in the decision to go to Mars in the first place. A secondary consideration has always been a desire on the part of the Obama Administration to give our astronauts, chimp or human, the opportunity for some hands-on experience in outer space.
“We hope that the future generations of this great nation can then have more creative vacation options, surpassing even Disneyland, Cancun or Branson,” he smiled. “Imagine playing 18 at Aurorie Sinus or a day of shopping at the Planum Boreum Mall. We fully intend to export good ol’ American culture just as soon as we find some.”
A consulate requires a smaller staff than an embassy and often sees the resident ambassador mowing the law band taking out the trash where in a full diplomatic mission where those chores are generally performed by a native staff.
“I don’t give a tinker’s damn about the formal designation,” quipped a reclusive Toole from his floating library somewhere deep in the Rockies. “They say there may still be water there and I’m all about that! Besides that I love to surf, kayak and water board, and I hate crowds. Besides, I lived in Grand Junction for six months when I was a kid so the acclimatization should be a piece of cake.”
– Julienne Pettifogger
Now you can listen faster!
Another gem by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington — July 12, 2016) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”
-Dinty Moore
The throne in the woods
Bano en las Sangre de Cristos. (Photo by Delinda Austin – July 5, 2016)
