All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

After Seven Games….Comes Ump’s Night Out

The World Series umpire crew hanging out at Morgan Cavanaugh’s iconic and classic dive bar Moriartys Wednesday night till 4 this morning …was a bucket list moment. Thanks to Jim Brophy for the photo.

Many Elk See Themselves as Bullet-Proof

(Silverton) A vast majority of elk in Baker’s Park herds think they are above the laws of natural selection and out-of-range when it comes the efforts of hunters to shoot them. Most, especially the bulls, feel that their precision instincts and ability to evade the pursuer will save them from the freezer and/or the final barbecue.

Many also expressed certainty that the Colorado Division of Wildlife will protect them.

Elk responses, monitored in other regions of the Rockies did not share this optimism, splitting down the middle on the stringent issue of basic survival, quality of life and general well-being.

Perhaps the most interesting profile emerged within younger members of these herds who overwhelmingly felt that hunting season was too long and rutting season too short. Many of these adolescents expressed despair when shown the color orange and were openly cynical when it came to discussing year-round treatment at the hands of the DOW, their legal custodians.

Meanwhile the older entourage expressed concern that many of the more bravado members of their species might be in for a surprise when the hunters come to town. Saying that they didn’t live this long by taking chances, most confirmed that they will take on a more ambiguous demeanor and practice more elusive behavior during the season. Avoiding confrontation, they say, is the best way to make it through the daylight hours when armed mobs roam these hills.

Radical elements insisting that they must meet violence with violence were written off as loco, or at best naïve, by most other elk.

The inquiries did not touch on the loaded question of gun control since all game animals vehemently favor what they call “long overdue” legislation .

– Fred Zeppelin

Hunters Warned of Stoppages

(Spar City, CO   The Rio Grande News Leaker   October 15, 2016)

Most of the toilets out in the woods are severely stopped up after a week-ling super hero convention held near Santa Maria Reservoir and Bristol Head in Mineral County. Although authorities stopped short of pointing the finger, it is quite clear that the attendees regularly slipped out of their Spartan digs to enjoy the relative peace and luxury of camp ground restrooms.

Hunters wishing to enjoy the facilities in most of Colorado’s National Forests and state parks may find a little more than they bargained for behind the old swinging door.

“It’s a mess up there,” said one ranger. “Hopefully we can get the flow back before the big freeze shuts us down for the winter.”

The Superheroes, demanding anonymity, insist that none of the Bristol Head entourage had crossed the line. Many were angry at the implication. They blame the stoppage on deer and elk or an occasional pack rat.

“We know the difference between bear, lion and herd animal scat,” quipped the ranger. “This is something altogether different and on a mass scale something out pipes cannot accommodate.”

Although little is known about the digestive system or capacities of super heroes local police fear the worst. One officer told The Horseshoe that he actually saw throngs of these “men and women of action” enter a facility at Seepage Lake and overwhelm the facility in just moments.

“While there is nothing illegal about Batman or Wonder Woman using the john the condition of the facility was deplorable and criminal in the strictest sense of the word,” said the officer. “Hunters, even those armed to the teeth, should avoid these depositories until at least the combined deer and elk season in November.”

A spokesman for the Forest Service said the entire agency is bracing for a gala Donald Trump victory party slated for November 9. Many feel the potential damage

VENISON CAR WASH SLATED

(Norwood) The local chapter of The Protected Order of Venison will sponsor a car wash on Saturdays during October. The car wash will be offered from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. up and down Grand Avenue and at a second location at the bottom of Norwood Hill. The cost of the service is $10 which will go to the United Venison Collage Fund. Hunters are invited but reminded that a cease fire exists within the town limits. Other interested parties are encouraged to take advantage of the less than savvy automotive janitors by showing up with multiple vehicles and/or the week’s laundry. Advance tickets are available everywhere in town and in Redvale. All are invited to turn out and show your support for this worthwhile organization.

MEAT THE DEER NIGHT OCTOBER

(Montrose) The 2016 Meat the Deer and Elk Night will be held at Colorado Yurts Compound on South 4th in Montrose according to a source there. Each year a local business sponsors the social event in an attempt to promote fellowship and good standing between local herds and hunters from all over the world. Refreshments, including chili and oats will be served. Free information, including maps and a guide to local shops and services, will be handed out and a slide show will be presented. Last year’s event, held at Gunnison’s House of Good Spirits, was deemed a success by almost everyone involved. Just show your license at the door and have a good time!

– Small Mouth Bess

Could there be the answer herein?

poster by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine

IN THE GRASP RULE ANGERS HERDS

(Norwood) A few changes will be painfully apparent during this year’s hunting season, according to a spokesman for a local deer coalition here. Most controversial are the “in-the-grasp” ruling and the travel restrictions imposed on herd animals during October and November.

The in-the-grasp ruling declares that all herd animals are technically down when they are hit. Game wardens are certain that attempts to escape after this juncture will only lead to further problems and that the animals would be better off giving up for their own protection. It is hoped that this new rule will sharply decrease the time spent tracking wounded prey and more time spending money in recreational pursuits downtown.

Mandatory travel restrictions, strict by herd standards, are designed to prevent deer and elk from seeking sanctuary in areas not accessed by Colorado hunting licenses. Proponents of the plan feel that if the game animals leave Colorado, it will be tough to attract hunters to our state. The travel restrictions will be enforced as animal behaviorists hope to convince local herds that things would be no better in Utah or Wyoming. Those states promote hunting too, sans the millions of dollars in benefits provided by the Centennial State.

A majority of the game animals polled feel that the in-the-grasp ruling negates the animal’s natural ability to avoid the final obituary status by whatever means necessary. Most agree that hopping around on three legs beats the hell out of being served in a bowl with beans, tomatoes and onions.

Complaints run rampant when it comes to the geographical demands made by the DOW and others. The deer and elk feel that they are already doing more than their share to insure a successful hunt. Most feel trapped, disillusioned.

“As a dominant bull I feel I should be free to pursue a nomadic lifestyle without a pass from some government official,” said John Doe, a six-point elk from Redvale. “I see no sport in waiting around to get shot by a bunch of jokers in a jacked-up 4 x 4.”

Doe, a veteran of over a dozen fall campaigns, says hunters should be forced to track quarry on foot and that the use of pack animals and dogs to pursue game is hairline cannibalism.