All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Could there be the answer herein?

poster by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine

IN THE GRASP RULE ANGERS HERDS

(Norwood) A few changes will be painfully apparent during this year’s hunting season, according to a spokesman for a local deer coalition here. Most controversial are the “in-the-grasp” ruling and the travel restrictions imposed on herd animals during October and November.

The in-the-grasp ruling declares that all herd animals are technically down when they are hit. Game wardens are certain that attempts to escape after this juncture will only lead to further problems and that the animals would be better off giving up for their own protection. It is hoped that this new rule will sharply decrease the time spent tracking wounded prey and more time spending money in recreational pursuits downtown.

Mandatory travel restrictions, strict by herd standards, are designed to prevent deer and elk from seeking sanctuary in areas not accessed by Colorado hunting licenses. Proponents of the plan feel that if the game animals leave Colorado, it will be tough to attract hunters to our state. The travel restrictions will be enforced as animal behaviorists hope to convince local herds that things would be no better in Utah or Wyoming. Those states promote hunting too, sans the millions of dollars in benefits provided by the Centennial State.

A majority of the game animals polled feel that the in-the-grasp ruling negates the animal’s natural ability to avoid the final obituary status by whatever means necessary. Most agree that hopping around on three legs beats the hell out of being served in a bowl with beans, tomatoes and onions.

Complaints run rampant when it comes to the geographical demands made by the DOW and others. The deer and elk feel that they are already doing more than their share to insure a successful hunt. Most feel trapped, disillusioned.

“As a dominant bull I feel I should be free to pursue a nomadic lifestyle without a pass from some government official,” said John Doe, a six-point elk from Redvale. “I see no sport in waiting around to get shot by a bunch of jokers in a jacked-up 4 x 4.”

Doe, a veteran of over a dozen fall campaigns, says hunters should be forced to track quarry on foot and that the use of pack animals and dogs to pursue game is hairline cannibalism.

Don Woodbury RIP

The Gunnison Valley lost a real good one with the recent passing of Don Woodbury. He will be missed.

Separation of Church and State Deemed Success

(Mao Clinic  —  September 17, 2016) The risky and highly experimental separation of church and state has been called a tentative success according to surgeons here. Although the patients have returned to their corners, lingering doubts clearly remain as to the long-term status of each.
The well-publicized medical procedure had been classified as an emergency after the two entities, despite stringent prohibition by the U.S. Constitution, grew to form an intimate relationship.
Chief Surgeon Max “Eddie” Rufus warned celebrants that it is still not clear how such often symbiotic institutions would function after the operation.
“Creeping control by religious groups is staunchly banned by our Constitution, a document often quoted but never read by most on the American Right,” he said. “Today we have politically charged preachers running churches that pay no tax. That is immoral. If these clerics tell their congregations how to vote, then their silly salvation machines must pay taxes too.”
Due to the emergency status all attending physicians are shielded from malpractice suits by either party. Doctors first recognized the trauma and symptoms in the early 1700s, but the Puritans and others squashed any attempts to solve the problem through medical means.
“It came off without a hitch,” said Dr. Cheshire Katt, a leading Siamese healer who wrote the book The Grand Surgery. It keynotes the dangers inherent in corporal and symbiotic codependencies.
“When we opened things up, we found two functioning brains and separate organs in place,” said the Siamese Katt.
Proponents of the treatment say the recovery must be closely monitored by citizens who are often more interested in shopping than their country’s good health.
“Our hopeful diagnosis is that people wake up,” he added
Full recovery could take up to 6,000 years according to Katt

– Fred Zeppelin

Highway Patrol, Handing Out Souvenirs of Colorado

Colorado Highway Patrol officers will be handing out expensive souvenirs of the Rocky Mountain State into the fall, it was disclosed today. The mementos, with a street value of up to $16,000, are commemorative of alcohol levels and bad decisions.

Motorists deemed to be under the influence of alcohol can purchase these custom keepsakes out on the highway or at any police station. They can often get their tickets punches simply by slamming a few beers then driving around. The mementos (often called DUIs) are locally produced and authentic replicas of the justice system that is in place to protect us from ourselves.

Visitors wishing to obtain a souvenir of this type are reminded that a long, continual relationship may be forged with local police and their computers. Consumer advocates strongly suggest that guests show some smarts and purchase a nice T-shirt or a photo of elk mating forgoing the more committal packages available on our roadways.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Outhouse tours in Alaska

Poster by Jeff Brown in Real Alaska Magazine