All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Christmas Eve Blowout Feared

Downtown Colona December  24, 2016

Rogue elements of the Short Angels, an elfin sleigh gang have pledged to go ahead with a decadent rendezvous slated for Christmas Eve it was reported this morning. The elves, normally engaged in Santa-assist duties this time of the year, are apparently blowing off legendary responsibilities in favor of the bash.

“We know how these little pixies get when they get into the drink,” flexed Tim Finnegan, a Log Hill resident who is primed for trouble. “Last year they held up traffic and started bonfires all over town. What happened to the charming little sprites who used to roast chestnuts over an open fire and all that?”

Last year motorists where constantly harassed along Highway 550 as the evil brownies sought funding for their sinful display. Several drivers were forced out of their cars and into the cold December night by the foul smelling elves.

Sleigh gangs from the North Pole and Canada are expected to descend on the peaceful burg on about December 22 with the revelry screeching into the new year. Looting is expected.

“New Year’s Eve would be a good time to stay away from the downtown strip,” said the rifle wielding local. “That’s when we plan to match muscle for muscle. We’ve had enough of their crap.”

– Big Tinnie

SANTA TO DO BIC SHAVING COMMERCIAL

(North Pole) Santa Claus has agreed to appear in a series of television advertisements on behalf of BIC Corporation, makers of plastic, disposable razors.

Filming will begin after the Christmas holidays.

“We couldn’t think of a more famous beard than that matted, white mop that Santa displays on his cheeks and chin,” said a representative from BIC. “Sure, it would have been more effective to have him shave in November and do his thing without the beard but we don’t want to disappoint his younger clientele.”

According to the famous elf, his wife wanted him to shave last year but he refused. It was not clear whether financial considerations changed his mind or whether he just got sick of looking at all that hair in the mirror every morning.

“It’s no big deal,” said the BIC spokesman. “He’ll grow the thing back by March.”
The last time Santa shaved was way back in 1968 when he was concerned with being mistaken for a hippie. It was that same year that he was detained at the border until authorities could determine that he was who he claimed to be.

“It was an embarrassing situation for all of us,” remembers a border guard who questioned the elf back then. “The guy attempts to sneak across the border, then he insists he’s Santa Claus. What would you think? He has no paperwork, no identification, no visa. If it were not for that red suit and the reindeer we might never have made a positive identification.”

Groppo the Elf

New Craze on Left Coast: Food Pornography

(El Lay — Eats Beat — December  7,  2016)

Connecting food to sexuality is certainly nothing new although the secondary phases of naughty grub are sure to unclog those arteries. Sensual foodies here in Southern California have gone beyond the traditional impish elf or wayward nymph, blending fantasies like whipped cream and chains with champagne, caviar and even pineapple upside down cake.

Karma Sutra take note. Murals and billboards offer delicious cuisine with a sexual overtone: If you eat this…Depictions of naked persons in Jell-O molds are passé when one considers to options open by combining simple erotic play with the diversions of the surreal. Dreams about chocolate cake. Dreams about that attractive man or woman at the grocery. Dreams about many chocolate cakes and that attractive person in bed?

Peeks through these doors, inadvertently left open in a rush to the boudoir or the kitchen table. A tenderloin bed of passion. The throes of bondage, airbrushed and served aflame on skewers over wild rice. That second helping of shimmering gelatin. A salmon on ice. Broiled zucchini in its kinky, phallic state. Vodka martinis striped down to pure buff.

These are the images that leading chefs don’t want you to see.

Just last night at Sarah Finn’s Cafe (in the hills of Oakland)  diners marveled at the nightly specials. Seafood displaying brash, slutty behavior, served in a sea of tepid and provocative hollandaise sauce, dripping with low fat yet corporeal glamour, doting on the asparagus spears.

(If this amorous appetizer did not arouse the desire of those already in their seats, the dancing caramelized sweet grass did the trick. Seedy, semi-literate, food bloggers recorded their own particular perversions all over the bathroom walls).

Now the debauchery threatens to spill out into the streets of Los Angeles. Decadent Serrano hams in the window, cleavage evident, enticing the passerby, cobblestoned on the aromas, stairways up to Never Mind land in the upstairs hideaways…al fresco or under the sheets?

“It’s all the way it looks on the plate,” said one chef wearing no more than his mother gave him. Mashed or whipped? Succotash on the first date? Look at them poke chops! Pardon me but with another glass of wine your cherished rice pilaf may be in a compromised position. And then there is the food sculpture. Young and innocent rhubarb bore for all to see, indecent cutlets, racy rye muffins, beaten eggs, twice baked…More later as we find more adjectives.

– Melvin Toolini

“Why then are we soft in the middle when the rest of our lives are so hard?”    –  Paul Simon

Faithful Encouraged to Shed Pounds Come Judgment Day

(Celestial Acres   Special from Vacant Lot Magazine   November 29, 2016)

The Good Folk, an inordinate number of whom are obese, are reminded that it might improve their eternal status to drop a few pounds before meeting their maker. Saying that these creatures are more likely to be hit by lightning or a meteor than their thinner compatriots.

In an emotional sermon  the often flamboyant Rev. Phil Pharisee told his congregation that “your bodies are Temples of the Holy Spirit and that the heavenly hosts would not look too kindly on abuse of this kind. The preacher stopped short of saying there is no room in heaven for the chubby, as he has in previous outbursts.

“Jesus was skinny and so were his apostles,” said Pharisee. “They ate loaves and fishes, not fast food. They took care of their bodies according to the teachings of the Old Testament and adapted their regimen to the New Testament. Many of you have trouble getting out of your cars and can barely fit through the doors of this strip mall cathedral,” he bellowed. “I don’t care if you are the best Christian on earth! I don’t care if you pray all day! I don’t care that you rebuke Satan! The Pearly Gates are only so wide.”

Pharisee, who weighs in at a little over 112 pounds, has been particularly critical of his portly brethren since opening his devotional hallway in the Paradise Mall on the outskirts of town. He is best known for his popular television program Baptist Bartender that continues to run in the South and Midwest. His best-selling book The Missionary Position on UFOs has sold millions of copies.

Spiritual competitors say Pharisee is a charlatan who is only in the religion business for the money. An unresolved lawsuit brought by Angel Hair Trailer Park (the site of his last church) asserts that he left unpaid utility bills and holes in the bathroom walls. According to a prosecuting attorney here Pharisee left a trail of bad debts saying that The Lord would pay his creditors when he returns for the Rapture or Second Coming.

“That’s going to be one hell of a party,” he snickered, which will separate the true believers from the charlatans.”

– Pepper Salte

DO YOUR WORK AND DON’T BE LATE TO DINNER

In 1928 two boys sat along Boxelder Creek a little ways outside the town of Wellington, Colorado. One was Byron White, the other was his older brother, Sam. They were enjoying a relaxing Saturday afternoon following the sugar beet harvest, a brief respite from the workday world of their youth.

Although they excelled in the classroom, both worked endless hours unloading lumber and coal from the Colorado and Southern and cultivating sugar beets for the Great Western Sugar Refinery. Byron had began working in the fields at six-years-old for $1.50 per day.

That day, in the shadows of the Medicine Bows Sam talked of the future.

“Dad says if a person gets As he goes to college.”

“How many As?” asked his younger sibling.

“All As,” smiled Sam.

“Near as I can tell I’ve got 6 more years of school before college. That’s a lot of As.” said Byron.

“It’s either that or work in the refinery and stay here in Wellington,” stressed Sam.

Like most small towns there existed a constant rush by the younger residents to leave and get on with life. Wellington’s juvenile elite felt the same. One of their boyhood friends later said it all:

“I liked growing up here. You bet. But the main thing is getting out.”

Sam talked of going to the University of Colorado. Byron talked of the same, plus playing football against teams like Oklahoma and Nebraska. Both would earn full tuition scholarship after high school.

As Byron later said: “In the late 20s and early 30s the farmers weren’t making much money. There was very little money around Wellington, and I suppose you could say, by today’s standards, we were quite poor. We didn’t necessarily feel poor because everybody was more or less the same. Everybody worked for a living. Everybody. Everybody.”

* * *

“All right, Huddle up,” said White. “I’m gonna hit Antonio on the left side. We’ll fake the sweep and I’ll roll out. Make your blocks.”

It was New Year’s Day 1938 in the Cotton Bowl. The talented Rice squad was set across the line of scrimmage. The ball was hiked and the play came off without a hitch. White threw an 8-yard touchdown pass to Joe Antonio to put Colorado up 7-0.

The success came as no surprise to anyone least of all Whizzer White. In 1937 the Buffaloes had gone undefeated and he had been named All American, the first from Colorado in any sport. In addition he had led the nation in rushing. He lettered in baseball and basketball as well. He was the ultimate student athlete, student body president, a Rhodes Scholar and a member of Phi Beta Kappa.

White, like many players of his day, played both sides of the ball. Fortunately for CU he was in the defensive backfield during the next series of downs. The Rice quarterback forced a pass over the middle and White picked it off going 47 yards for the second touchdown. Colorado led the favored Rice team 14-0.

“Nice interception, White,” yelled the Colorado coach from the sideline. “Keep after them.”

Despite the effort the Owls battled back and won the game 28-14. It sounds a lot like the old Nebraska match-ups in the Big Eight.

* * *

After college White played pro football, (the highest paid player of the era at $15,800 per year), leading the league in rushing twice. Despite playing only three years he was named to the Pro Football Hall-of-Fame. He attended post-graduate school at Oxford, England and went to Yale Law School during off-season. During World War II he served in the South Pacific and won the Bronze Star. After the war he went back to Yale Law School, where he finished first in his class in 1946.

Not bad for a former beet picker from Wellington, Colorado.

In 1962 he was named to the Supreme Court where he served until 1993. His athletic awards are too many to mention. Over the years he was named to every All, Hall and ball team associated with Colorado and the NFL. In 1965 his number 24 was retired by the university.

Once after retirement reporters asked him how to spell Whizzer, to which he reponded, “B-Y-R-O-N.”

According to people who knew him he made athletic and academic excellence look easy. Just a little work ethic and a desire to achieve.

Thanks to the University of Colorado Athletic Department, The Boulder Daily Camera and The Man Who Once Was Whizzer White by Dennis J. Hutchinson for information herein.

DOW Considered Feeding Deer Uranium Tailings in 50s

(Greater Flatland   Wards of the State Express   November 15,  2016)

With the release of secret Division of Wildlife files it has become apparent that Game and Fish officials planned to feed uranium tailings to local mule deer in 1956. The plan, dubbed Operation Atomic Bambi by militant factions within the agency, was to be enacted following combined hacking season and carried out through the winter months.

“Let’s be fair here,” stressed Merv Ditchwater, a spokesman for the state. “Back in 1956 people thought uranium tailings were just part of the landscape. They thought the waste was just the price of progress. They certainly didn’t worry about the dangers of toxins what with the Cold War raging and the local economy booming over in the West End.”

Operation Atomic Bambi was simply an attempt to kill two birds with one stone according to higher ups in the agency. There were lots of tailings and lots of hungry deer. On unreliable source told The Horseshoe that bigger, possibly more intelligent animals were the ultimate goal.

“We thought we could grow giant deer and maybe larger elk with this high tech diet,” said the source, now retired, who worked on the project. “Then we could jack up the price of licenses. Nobody knew much about uranium and the negatives of mining the stuff. It’s a lot like the nuclear energy industry today.”

The nuclear industry has still failed to come up with a safe, effective way to store its byproducts yet it continues to generate tons of toxic waste per year.

“Maybe the Atomic Energy Commission is waiting for aliens to land and show us the way,” laughed Ditchwater. “Either way we’re in deep guano when it comes to the future of the planet.”

Officials at the division admitted that the only animals that liked the tailings were prairie dogs and cockroaches. Both species grew enormous in no time at all and had to be deported to the Utah desert where they still thrive. Hunting season on these mutated beasts has been suggested but never launched.

“The deer never really gave the program a chance,” said Ditchwater. “Hell, they didn’t even know a cold war from a bucket of oats. They stuck their little noses up at the tailings and continued to chew on sagebrush, and alfalfa when they could get it.”

Today Colorado has an overrun of deer and more elk than any other state except Euphoria. According to a staff biologist they are the same size they were back in the Thirties, when residents here all but succeeded in eating them all up.

Phillip Cheroot