Toole Tapped as Martian Ambassador

(Ganymede — The Universe Express — Aug 23, 2016)

President Obama today appointed tireless diplomat, Melvin Toole as pro them ambassador to the planet of Mars.

Resource discoveries, corporate expansionism and projections of colonization/ exploitation by earthlings prompted the move, called premature by alarmist politicians, intent on building fences on earth.

“Although Mariner 9 and Viking Orbiter have not documented clear signs of life, intelligent or otherwise, the United States should be first to recognize the possibility of alien civilizations there and refine out logistical position to communicate with same,” said an administration source. “Soon we could sell them manufactured goods if we still made anything here.”

Us Consulate on Mars

“Actually we’re talking about a consulate, not a full blown embassy,” said the White House spokesperson. “Mr. Toole, if approved by Congress, would be only a figurehead, not an official ambassador although he would earn benefits such as a lifetime pension, health insurance as well as access to limos, and sailboats just like our beloved Congress.”

The position would pay minimum wage, seen by a flock of experts as clearly insufficient for survival on the Red Planet. The real financial payoff lies in after-dinner speaking engagements and a spot as a lobbyist down the road.

“We want to get one of our people in place before the Russians beat us to the punch,” said the spokesperson, arrogantly deflecting questions about budgetary concerns, crumbling infrastructure and the breakdown of social fabric here on earth.

“If we go there they’ll come here,” said one Republican candidate for President who demanded anonymity. “We need to build intergalactic walls, end entitlements, cut spending on education and further beef up our military spending to combat this new threat.”

How these developments would affect the Second Coming was not immediately clear after this morning’s press conference.

“Actually it is only a consulate and not a bona fide embassy,” the source reiterated. “It will only cost the taxpayer a billion or so and some change. What is much more disturbing is the Christian Right’s call for a forward military base, disguised as a welcome center, on Pluto.”

Lower jet fuel prices, although they have not lowered the price of air travel on earth, were cited as a positive element in the decision to go to Mars in the first place. A secondary consideration has always been a desire on the part of the Obama Administration to give our astronauts, chimp or human, the opportunity for some hands-on experience in outer space.

“We hope that the future generations of this great nation can then have more creative vacation options, surpassing even Disneyland, Cancun or Branson,” he smiled. “Imagine playing 18 at Aurorie Sinus or a day of shopping at the Planum Boreum Mall. We fully intend to export good ol’ American culture just as soon as we find some.”

A consulate requires a smaller staff than an embassy and often sees the resident ambassador mowing the law band taking out the trash where in a full diplomatic mission where those chores are generally performed by a native staff.

“I don’t give a tinker’s damn about the formal designation,” quipped a reclusive Toole from his floating library somewhere deep in the Rockies. “They say there may still be water there and I’m all about that! Besides that I love to surf, kayak and water board, and I hate crowds. Besides, I lived in Grand Junction for six months when I was a kid so the acclimatization should be a piece of cake.”

– Julienne Pettifogger