All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Our American Political Spelling Bee
Live and in color from Bethesda MD – we pick up the action…
Part One – Spelling Accuracy
Monitor: Can you spell socialism?
Mr. Opinion : Soshalizm.
Moderator: No. Wrong. Next.
Ms. Justsmile: Sewshullism.
Moderator: No.
Wildman White: Soshhhulism
Moderator: No. Incorrect.
Mr. Putin: социализм.
Moderator: Correct but in the wrong language. Disqualified.
Part Two: Define the term
Mr. Opinion: I don’t really know but it’s real bad.
Ms. Justsmile: A system where we are forced to share with the poor, eat borscht and live in gulags.
Wildman White: It’s something about Russian fur hats and machine guns in your bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mr. Putin: A paradise who workers share in the profits and embrace quality of life 365 days a year and I didn’t poison my political opponents.
Moderator: Bozos: Socialism is a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.
Part III Presidential Pardons on the White House Lawn
Which of the following is your favorite crime that can be attributed to fake President Donald J Trump?
a. Obstruction of Justice
b.) Lying to Federal and State government bodies
c.) Sabotaging Transition Process
d.) Cheating on Taxes
e.) Collusion with Russia – treason
“Thanksgiving in Turkey”
TRAVEL ’20
Continued from in front of you
so that Bob (is that his name?) and I and the kids were pushed down onto the pavement and told to keep our eyes to the ground as the entourage passed by, snaking its way toward Mount Ararat and the grave of the Apostle Paul.
“Hey, mom,” said little Bennie, “says in this brochure that Turkey is larger than Texas. Is that for real?”
“No, stupid, it’s just all that jihad propaganda,” piped sister Beatrice from the pruned position. “Where did you get that brochure anyway?”
“Shut-up bitch,” said little Bennie. “Nobody’s talking to you!”
“Now kids, let’s try to put our hatreds aside. We’re miles from our hotel and not out of this yet,” said Dad. “These people are naturally friendly and engaging. They just have to get to know us. I thought St. Paul was buried at Lookout Mountain…”
No, that’s Buffalo Phil, fool,” said mom.
Finally, and not without more fanfare, the procession passed. The strange men in robes told us to get up and walk to the east and we would find true enlightenment…and our hotel.
“I wanna see Noah’s Arc,” said Beatrice, “and the ancient city of Troy. What a beat vacation. All my friends in Chicago will laugh at me if they find out I came all the way to Turkey without…”
“Wait, Daddy,” I said to my husband, “isn’t that the road to Istanbul, or is it the road to Constantinople? They must sell ottomans there. I just have to have an authentic Turkish Ottoman or I’ll just die.”
“What about dinner?” whined Bennie. “We’ve been here three days and I haven’t seen a taco anywhere. Today is Thanksgiving. Where’s the stuffing?”
“Now Bennie,” said my husband, whose name eludes me just now, “this isn’t America. One has to adapt. Sure, all of these rugheads wish they were in America, the land of the free, but they aren’t. They’re marooned here in Asia Minor…have been for centuries. I thought you liked the filberts in barley sauce that mom cooked up last night.”
“I want pizza,” screamed Beatrice much to the chagrin of a large angry crowd that had now gathered, blocking our exit from behind one of a hundred mosques that crowd the cobbled square. “I hate filberts!”
“And where is the football!” demanded little Bennie. “Don’t these Tartar savages know that it’s Thanksgiving?”
“I hate tartar sauce too,” mumbled Beatrice, “and Kurds and whey…
“Stop!” cried daddy. “Look a fez stand right out here in the middle of nowhere. I think we should all take home a fez as a souvenir from this lovely trip. Say there sahib. How much for four fezzes…is that the proper term? Yeah, four…and don’t try to screw me. I’m an American and I have rights.”
At that he pulled out a U.S. fifty which the man selling the fez hats quickly grabbed and stashed in his robe. He smiled and then let go of the hats.
“Those hats look stupid,” said Beatrice, and for once her little brother agreed. We must have looked quite the sight wandering down those snarled filthy streets, sipping a Raki looking for some familiar signs of home.
“I have to pee,” said Bennie.
“We need to find a halkevi, or house of the people. Surely they will have indoor facilities…
“And cleanliness,” I crisply quipped.
“And a make-up mirror,” added Beatrice.
“And some good old American toilet paper,” smiled Daddy.
“We could ask someone,” I said melodically, swept up in the worldly banter of a man I no longer knew.
“None of these bozos talk American,” said Bennie
“Turkish isn’t so hard to learn,” said Dad as he wagged his finger at a would-be thief. “The Turks borrowed many Arabic and Persian words during the Ottoman Empire, then Kemal Ataturk changed the whole shootin’ match over to the Roman alphabet in 1928.”
“How does he know all that?” whispered Beatrice in my direction.
“Daddy was once a Middle East expert in of the Bush Administrations, dear,” I explained.
“It’s worthless information about a country that prefers figs to cranberry sauce, olives to pumpkin pie…”
“Shhhhh,” Bennie. Here come the mashed potatoes!”
As I looked up I saw thousands of men in the street. There were Turks from Ankara, Turks from Izmir, Turks from Cyprus. All were working together pushing a massive vat of freshly mashed potatoes, thinly veiled in Seljuk mohair, toward the largest of the mosques to the east of the square.
“Wow, dad!” said Bennie.
“Where are all the women?” asked Beatrice.
“Maybe they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Turkey,” I flinched.
“Look, kids. Look! It’s the march of the turkeys,” said Dad. “Look, honey, they’re coming this way. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday just like I told you. Honey? Honey? Hey, kids, where’s your mother?
“Oh, she was forced into that black Mercedes by two men who have been following us since yesterday,” said Beatrice.
“What? Forced into a car? gasped Daddy.
“Relax, man she’ll be back for dinner,” said Bennie.
– Luanne Julienne
Ms Julienne is a free-lance writer who lives in a big house in Connecticut. In addition to writing travel articles she raises amphetamines, which are then sold to collectors in New York
Were Adam and Eve Really Naked?
Inspiration with Rev. Phil Pharisee
“These things are so because I say they are so.” – St. Roscoe of Orange
The question is often asked: Were Adam and Eve really naked in the Garden of Eden? Were they unclothed when the serpent arrived? According to the recently revamped Rich Man’s Bible, especially written for the wealthy among our congregation “nudity was not acceptable even though Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs”. Certainly the two first humans were not naked like the apes but were rather clothed in the vestments of the guiding light. When the serpent showed up it was Eve who took the apple all right but she did it in a tasteful, and demure, picnic dress. Later when Adam joined the show he ate his half of the apple fully covered in a formal waistcoat and spats, just like the ones worn on Sundays by Brother Phil here.
Persons who disagree with this prognosis are guilty of the grave sin of pride and will surely burn in hell. The only way to prevent this eternal damnation is to give now. Give big. Purge yourself by ridding your life of valuables and other false gods. You can keep the hard currency in our church safe over at the strip mall.
When we meet on that Golden Shore all of this will become clear. Right now we must persevere in that the secular element out there is attempting to separate church and state at the hip. And always, always remember as Dr Zeus said: Red State, blue state, new state, pew state…People in the blue states are atheistic Commies who don’t belong in our America, the America under God, who talks directly to You Know Who every night before bed.
Well, I hope I’ve cleared up the confusion. Keep the faith by joining me in today’s mantra: Creationists are proof that there is no evolution going on. Creationists are proof that there…”
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Tiny Spouses Trending into 2021
(Smallville, CO) The popularity of Tiny Spouses comes as a shock wave to the more traditional courting and marriage choices. According to the experts it’s an option whose time has arrived.
Maybe its overpopulation and loss of personal space or maybe it’s just an expedient alternative. Whatever it may be, it’s compact and packs a wallop at the altar or before a justice of the peace.
According to the latest poll conducted by Cal Polygamy Institute, the embrace of the diminutive is on the rise. A growing conviction to see smaller as better has become an overwhelming tendency, especially in affluent circles. Since 2018, tiny spouses, shunned just 10 years ago, are becoming the new norm.
The odd popularity of these arrangements can be circumstance, convenience an even economic since smaller people eat less and take up less room in the bed. Mobility is also a consideration and tiny spouses can be ready to go at the drop of a hat.
“Compact works for both of us,” said Eleanor Mackerel, who with her two-foot mate enjoys a progressive lifestyle. “My only issue is that he’s hard to find if the grass gets too deep.”
Positive attention has burgeoned in tight urban regions and the low-density backwoods too.
“People can survive quite well on limited space and with limited input,” continued Mackerel. “The rest we blame on true love.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
RUSSIAN CREDITORS FORECLOSE ON AIR FORCE ONE
Russian loan sharks have seized an Air Force One airplane apparently used a collateral for a loan by President Donald Trump.
Snatching the plane, one of two highly customized Boeing 747-200B series aircraft, creditors in the service of unidentified Russian oligarchs say it is safe in an undisclosed location.
Trump appears to have made the deal on the evening of January 20 in January 2017, just hours after being inaugurated.
White House sources called the development “dubious at best”, continuing to separate themselves from the president, both physically and politically.
In addition to the aeronautical confiscation, agents from Turkey, maintaining that Trump has defaulted on further loans, have taken most of the patio furniture and a number of potted plants from the Rose Garden.
“We gave him a rebate and 36 months interest-free,” said one banker in Istanbul. “Sure he was high-risk but he’s got a line of crap that stretches from the Urals to the Pyrenees. With all the bankruptcies we should have known better.”
In other news: The long-awaited Kool-Aid Antidote is still months away say reality show doctors at the White House, who denied reports that Democrats would need a high capacity crawler crane to forcibly remove the “larger than life ex-President from the Pennsylvania Avenue property in January.
For more on this please see “Morals and Extraditions”
– Red Herring
