All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Interview with a recently discovered poet
Pico Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most persistent and provocative figures of our time.
Horseshoe: Why are all of your poems the same length?
Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.
Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?
Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.
Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?
Paco: I make plum wine. Then, three weeks later, I drink it
Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?
Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.
Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?
Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.
Horseshoe: Heavy.
Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.
Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:
Las estrellas del Sur habla
a me en la noche linda .
Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella
su nombre bella, su nombre bella.
Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.
Chow dudes. Viva pax.
What do these words mean to you?
Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.
Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?
Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”
Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.
Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.
Horseshoe: do beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies besiege you? Do you read to them all?
Paco: I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.
Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?
Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.
Paco will be appearing at Vegetable Buddies Bar and Grill in Manana
for a book signing and wine making symposium on May 32 unless it rains.
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the Vietnam War, unemployment stats and racial unrest. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole echilada was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
The desert region around Grand Junction is often mistaken for a lunar landscape which made it the perfect location says NASA adding that the geologic samples too were bogus, having been purchased from Tinkers somewhere between Paradox and LaSal Junction in 1967.
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s profound willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted, engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.”
– Small Mouth Bess
That’s why they call it Wild Cat Creek
Colona Bank Robbed in Broad Daylight
Thieves robbed the Seamen’s Credit Union here making off with an assortment of cash, fixtures and promises according to eyewitnesses on the scene. Actually the crooks couldn’t rob it in the dark since it is closed then.
Police believe the crooks to be hold up somewhere in the town’s little known catacombs which reputedly run from one now defunct whorehouse entry to another. One resident reported activity in Colona’s only church steeple but it turned out to be unruly magpies.
“We believe we have a lead or two,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “If there was a donut shop in town we could integrate our efforts with Montrose and San Miguel Counties,” continued the officer. “As it is there isn’t even a place to get a cup of coffee. This could be a long investigation.”
Colona Restricts Business Hours
Called a feeble attempt to control rampant commercialism in the county’s third economic impact municipality, restrictions here strongly indicate a return to the radical isolationism of the past. Despite its prime location atthe head of the valley and its access to the non-existent railroad, mobilized fathers and mothers here appear to be engaged in a painstaking return to simpler times.
Enter The Knifer Ordinance, which severely restricts the amount of work to be done in the village and outlying region. Although controversial at first, merchants and service personnel have adapted well according to the local drone owners association. How all of this will affect the price of bait is anyone’s guess. Here’s a peek:
The San Juan Horseshoe website has volunteered to cut it’s hours to 11:30 – 1 every other Thursday in support of the civic effort. Justman Sawmill will no longer be open 24 hours although it still is literally – just not to the public. Hours of operation at Knifer’s Garage used to be posted on a utility pole across Hotchkiss Avenue but apparently someone took them down. None of these businesses accept appointments or personal checks.
Smart Phones Not Helping Says Study
(Palo Abajo) The wide use of what the communications industry calls Smart Phones has not resulted in an increase in intelligence according to Mensa, the high IQ society that often monitors cerebral behavior patterns.
According to the most recent study the use of the Smart Phone has resulted in the marginal loss and de-evolution of applied logic, the quasi-disappearance of social exchange and sometimes lower test scores among the control groups engaged. These interface maladies are becoming more and more common and threaten to disrupt the onion cart in the very near future.
The institute did not elaborate further.
CONNIE CONSUMER SAYS:
Executive Heated Toilet Seats Won’t Leave You Hanging
Don’t fall for the rap from those callous, high-pressure toilet seat salesmen. All they care about is a sale. Very few of them actually own one. Negotiating with them is like being home schooled by hungry crocodiles.
Rule of thumb: Spend top dollar and insure a comfy bottom. Buy a custom seat, fitted and responsive to your body. Don’t go cheap. The quality seats often last up to 50 years with proper maintenance.
Tired of chipping ice for your daily constitution? Avoiding the runaround by using idle time on the hot seat. Deal only with a reputable merchant. Promises of free toilet paper will seem rather banal if you get burned or even electrocuted with an inferior product.
Reminder: Free demo trial date termination is January 3 for residents of Coal Creek, Pea Green and the Snotty Beach Communities. Top manufacturers include Sure Fanny / Tushvent, Stool Trophy, Pooper Pal and of course the royal name in toilet seats…Cozy Bum.
– Carlos Tuna contributed to this report
Santa Says “No” to Elves in Yoga Pants
(Special: Baffin Bay) A generally calm and collect Santa Claus has blown out his red suspenders over a proposal to relax elfin dress codes in the Great North. In addition to fashion revisions on minor accessories and footwear, the relaxing of standards would allow elves to wear yoga pants on the job.
“Tights are one thing one thing, “ shouted the Yuletide icon, “but at last they cover parts of the human anatomy not meant to be accentuated. I realize some styles of clothing are meant to be a little shocking, even provocative but my workshop shall remain off-limits to these expressions of worldly embrace.”
“Elves were never meant to wear yoga drawers”
For centuries elves have been drawn to trendy clothing with often embarrassing results. Whether it is in vogue or retro they grab it off the racks. Many never consider whether tight fitting yoga pants emphasize the right bodily proportions or highlight the positives.
Speaking anonymously one veteran elf says the yoga pants are no more than a passing faze but that the issue here is elf autonomy. That’s why we started a union. That’s why solidarity is such a sticky issue with the front office here.
“He let the reindeer wear those silly, fuzzy snow-boots one sees at ski resorts,” the elf whined. “Santa still dresses like a slob most of the off-season donning bibs, torn, out-of-date Sixties shirts and penny loafers. He even tried to attend a pre-Christmas function down in Canada in a mohair suit,” he laughed, “but Mrs. Claus nixed his choice of textures before it became an international incident.
The source contends that Santa is no garment guru but that he is still writing the checks up here. A new plan for this year, which calls for elves to wear capes and show a little skin, is also off the table.
“Santa would need 16 pairs of elf yoga pants to cover his posterior alone,” finish the elf, who admitted that he wouldn’t have been able to lash out in this manner just a few years ago.
Meanwhile North Pole management is holding firm on the clothing innovations saying they set a bad precedent.
Santa admits that his traditional costume is baggy, itchy and out of touch with the real world.
“But it’s what the people have come to expect and I will not disappoint any one of them because of a labor issues. Elves were never meant to wear yoga drawers” he frowned.
-Kashmir Smelt
