All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Montrose Distillery Wins Big
When it reigns, it pours. Storm King Distilling Co. is proud to announce that they have been named the 2021 Colorado Outstanding Distillery by the Colorado Manufacturing Awards (CMA). The announcement comes on the heels of two big wins for the distillery’s whiskey. In April, Storm King Distilling Co. took home gold medals for its Side Gig Whiskey and its first release of Colorado Straight Bourbon Whiskey at the Denver International Spirit Competition.
Of the recent successes, Co-founder and distiller, David Fishering stated that “Whiskey is what we love and so to have our first ever single barrel bourbon receive a gold medal, in addition to the success that Side Gig has had, is beyond fantastic. Then to follow that up with the CMA announcement, it was just surreal. We think we make great spirits and that we are passionate about the process, and it is great to see that others recognize it too. The CMA honor is a real independent validation of everything we are doing as a distillery. Many people see us as a local bar via the tasting room and although we are providing a unique and top-shelf experience there, we are a manufacturing facility at heart; our passion is the craft of making quality spirits and we do this all while being an integral part of our community.”
Speaking on the release of the gold-medal winning bourbon Fishering explained that “like all of our whiskies, our Colorado Straight Bourbon is made from 100% Colorado grown grain from Whiskey Sisters Supply in Burlington. It was important for us from the very beginning to find local partners that care about their products as much as we do and to showcase the terroir in Colorado grains. Barrel #20 was a mashbill of 65% corn and 35% rye, aged for over 2 years in a toasted and charred 25-gallon American White Oak barrel. We are super excited about it and only wish we had more!” The distillery’s bourbon is currently available in the tasting room only.
In operation for three years, Storm King Distilling Co. is the first and only distillery in Montrose, Colorado. The distillery manufactures a wide range of spirits including whiskey, gin, rum, agave, and vodka. The diverse product line allows for creativity in the tasting room and cocktail bar, which has become a destination for locals and tourists.
CONTACT: David Fishering, Co-founder/Distiller
Storm King Distilling Co.
Celebrity Gets San Juan Red Carpet Treatment
(Silverton) A visiting celebrity was welcomed to Silverton this week with a short parade, a windy speech by dignitaries and a barbecue in the park. The unidentified guest ate and drank liberally then, after a gratis stopover at a local liquor dispensary, headed off for Durango on the train in the company of two local ladies.
“We don’t know exactly who he was,” said one Greene Street shopkeeper but he was famous all right.”
Cynics over on Blair Street say the whole thing was a fraud and that the man was not a celebrity at all but only “swindler” drifting through the San Juans.
“That is hogwash,” said a resident on Greene Street. “We know a celebrity when we see one.”
Sources at the Triangle Service, where the celebrity attempted and failed to fill his tank for free, told The Horseshoe that the town had been bamboozled.
“It’s a good thing he didn’t stay longer or they might have elected him mayor,” said one mechanic.
– Olivia de Quirke
“It is my great desire to reform my subjects, and yet I am ashamed confess that I am unable to reform myself.”
– Peter the Great
Leftover Defense Funds to Fix Streets
(Gunnison) Recently discovered coffers, once earmarked for the defense of Gunnison from a Rebel onslaught during the American Civil War will be used to repair many of the town’s back streets, a city source confirmed today. The annual road construction is set to begin at midnight on Thursday.
This year’s effort will feature dawn to dusk asphalt drops compliments of the Flying Aces of Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. The drops will occur every half hour between Denver and Rio Grande Avenues north of the rodeo grounds all the way to Tomichi Heights. Persons who simply must be in the area during the month of July should be paying particular attention to the skies.
“A little care exercised today could be all the difference,” said one road supervisor. “We don’t want anyone getting hit with 100 yards of asphalt dropped from 300 feet in the air, or is that 300 yards of asphalt dropped from 100 feet,” he said. “We’re suggesting that the entire stretch be designated a hard hat area just in case.”
Flame retardant asphalt mixed with magnesium chloride and able-bodied crews from local insane asylums will then spread other hardly hazardous materials out. This phase of the work is scheduled to be completed by Valentine’s Day, 2004.
One official vehemently denied reports that the spruce up had anything to do with the Hell’s Angels picnic slated for late July.
The bankroll for the project, found in a tunnel near the once magnificent LaVeta Hotel, was comprised of silver certificates, gold coinage and Confederate currency is on deposit at the Who’s On First National Bank in Pitkin, so as to avoid favoritism in town. It will reportedly be sold off to collectors as the project nears completion. Visiting hours are 9 am to 3 pm unless it rains.
Then we’ll get to Blue Creek Canyon.
– Rex Montaleone
“A nation of news consumers both overfed and malnourished —”Americans gorge themselves daily on empty informational calories, indulging their sugar fixes of self-affirming half-truths and even outright lies.”
– Chris Stirewalt, fired Fox News Political Editor
Zombie Outreach Reaches Goal of $100,000
(Bland Valley) The semi-annual fundraiser for Zombie Outreach has surpassed its goal and will continue to intervene in zombie-related incidents in Northwest Colorado.
Money raised each year help defray the cost of counseling and reassignment surgeries aimed at bringing the zombie back from wherever they went. It also helps pay rent and utilities for unemployed and disabled zombies.
Organizers of the philanthropic event want to thank everyone who participated. We can all sleep more soundly knowing that many zombies aren’t walking the streets anymore.
“We should be using Lotto profits to fight the Cover-19. If the virus continues to expand there will be plenty of empty parks and bike paths.”
– Marco Pollo
Canal Receives Over 40,000 Tape Measures
Sets Guinness Book of World Records Mark*
(Al Kibrit, Egypt)) Following the Ever Given fiasco last week, the Suez Canal Authority is in bumbling possession of some 40,000 tape measures of all sizes, styles and colors.
The tapes were sent by jokesters from all over the globe after a Panamanian-flagged container ship, the Ever Given, was wedged in the world’s major waterway for almost a week. Although it was not clear who might be to blame for the marooning, the Suez Canal Authority appears to be the scapegoat until other scapegoats can be defined, created and/or identified.
The 200,000-ton, Japanese-owned ship manned by an Indian crew, got cross-ways within the artificial conveyance on March 23 and tugboats, dredgers and salvage craft were employed to extricate it. Lost revenue from the traffic stoppage easily could reach $10 billion per day. The cost of the vessel’s liberation was estimated at “between ludicrous and preposterous.”
The container ship is as long as the Empire State Building is high or “damn big” as bystanders muttered in as many as 35 languages, as the dislodging took shape.
“We just needed another canoe-full of WD-40 and 3 imperial vats of Vasoline,” said one pilot. “We hope to bottle the stuff and become rich from the sales of our patent-pending Super Ever Given Salve. We might even add a little CBD and catch the new age traffic.”
*The Guinness award was etched in “miscellaneous category” for all posterity
Elvis Christmas music in March
(Connemara, County Mayo, Republic of Ireland) I generally don’t start drinking until 10:30 but I was on vacation. This looks like a nice pub. I smiled hello to two regulars named Sean and Rory and ordered a pint and a Powers. I have had the pleasure of tipping a few with characters like these two from town. They were like little children waiting for something to either break or talk to death.
“I just come back from Nashville,” said Fiona from behind the cherry wood at Griffin’s Pub in downtown Clifden on the Atlantic Coast of Connemara.
“Really. Who did you see? Where did you stay? What was the weather like in March?” I said.
Fiona went into a flurry of observation from Hank Williams to Minnie Pearl. She talked about the food and the Cadillacs and the cowboy hats. It was then that I heard it.
Elvis was on the sound system singing “Blue Christmas.”
Before long Sean and Rory heard it too. We looked at each other trying to appear shocked, even insulted by the unseasonable troubadour crooning and spooning about another lost love. Finally Rory spoke up:
What the hell are you doing with Elvis singing Blue Christmas in March? And you- the expert from Nashville and all…”
“I’m never coming into this pub again said Sean
“Good,” said Fiona.
“Neither am I,” teased Rory
“Fine. Drink up and get your arses out!”
“And you…she said, looking down at me…”Coming in here from over seas interfering with Irish culture and so early in the afternoon.
I was ashamed.
She let the entire song play and after it was all over put on some Christy Moore and then everyone settled in for the afternoon, on the merits of their recent victory over what is right and what is not.
“I thought you were leaving,” Fiona said to Sean
“No I think I’ll stay. I’m almost certain that Elvis is about to sing The Rose of Tralee.”
I got a smile from Sean and a wink from Rory and a kiss goodbye from Fiona. Not bad for a morning’s work. Now it’s time for lunch and a nap. How does one say siesta in Irish?
Clifden in the daytime. Mountains and the ocean.
