Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action

(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.

The initial blueprint, based on the master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city only a few decades back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.

Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have some too. Crawford has famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in their own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?

“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.

“This lack of sparkle, of luster is holding up progress,” said another.

When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous, the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.

“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Now who can say no to that idea!”

A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.

– Kashmir Horseshoe