One National Forest is Enough Say Treeocons
M. Toole | Aug 24, 2024 | Comments 0
(Washington) Sources in Mar Lardo confirmed rumors that Trump minions are making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Colorado or Utah.
Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be mailed back to taxpayers as yet another petty tax refund. After the picnic tables, the maps, the gift shops, and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated, the gov’ment could then get on with the business of “natural resource management.”
The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging fracking and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for paper money, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.
“Maybe we’ll just turn the entire states into parks,” said one Trump woman. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” she said. “If it’s Colorado we choose we’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the highways are already in terrible shape so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing or too much access traffic. Maybe we’ll just plow them under for the rural effect.”
Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”
“I just don’t see a problem with these kinds of policies,” offered the same source . “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls in figure mode. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and The Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2026,” she continued. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”
A plan is already in the works that would show footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.
Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary, yet ignored component, jettisoned by high flying whitewashers in the GOP. Proponents say hidden ledgers do not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.
“Then our friends can come in and mop up. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to their televisions. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a flimsy Constitutional amendment to stretch a dynasty into 12 years instead of eight.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Filed Under: Soft News