All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

ID Theft Chips in Mail Thursday

(Salt Hake) The Internal Revenue Service, along with Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and The Veil of Forlorn Love have sent Plasticine Lumbar Frontal Chips to every American who voted in the last erection.

The horn-rimmed technology, barely discernible in natural light, is acknowledged as the latest in a host of solutions aimed at protecting innocent people from hackers and other scoundrels that roam the internet. It is easily inserted into the forehead or the lower jaw and blocks messaging while integrating sensory data.

“It’s like playing hide and go seek with your neurons,” said Dr Efram Pennywhistle, acting director of the Third Henway Institute of Moline.

Yes there are side effects: Some are fun and some may not be so pleasant. Many people develop fast-advancing personality disorders after the chip has been in place for an extended period.

“Just like cholesterol there are good and bad schizophrenic  experiences. Doctors can’t be everywhere at once.*” He explained.

Many Americans have already undergone car alarm surgery. You can do it at home, or, if you are homeless** ask someone to hold your coat and carefully insert the PLF Chip behind one’s largest ear. You’re done!

The ID Theft prevention chip (PLFC) is much easier to implement, says Pennywhistle

This morning an entry on Henry Institute’s website says:

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

Insert our tiny chip with the full regalia of repetitious warnings and semi-invasive bleeps right into your noggin as easy as drinking a glass of water while standing on your head.

“If someone attempts to break into your head and steal your identity they will be sorely disappointed,” adds Doctor Efram. 

IT’S YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU CAN FOUL THE FUTURE

*We met a man on East Colfax that claimed to have over 1300 stolen identities crammed into one of hundreds of pizza boxes that cascaded from his shopping cart. His nasty scarf looked just like one that had been stolen from me outside the Satire Lounge in 1974.” – editor

“Real machismo is achieved when you growl back at that snarling junkyard dog and he goes and lies down by his doghouse with a whimper.”

–Quote from large-boned woman who paid tuition to graduate school by selling tofu tattoos door-to-door. You may laugh but she earned an MBA and is now CEO of the largest meat processing enterprise in Northern Argentina.

Hashishistan defies Putin,

The tiny Eurasian principality of Hashishistan is threatening reprisals after a threatened conscription of balding men by Russia. Never part of the massive nation to the north, the small dominion of 2500 has refused to cooperate with efforts to entice the descendants of Tamerlaine into the Russian army for rubles and cheap vodka.

     “We have nothing against Ukraine or any other country,” said a chancellor from Mota, the capital city. “We will not be bullied by Putin and his surviving oligarchs. Besides, any student of grain knows we prefer Polish spirits.”

     Even the newly coronated Donald of Orange has chimed in to the conflict calling the Russian advances an obvious violation of international hair space .

     “Everyone knows that,” he barked in sound bytes.

     80% of the residents of Hashishistan have orange hair (natural or bottle) prompting Democrats to suggest that Trump is extending special treatment to the Hashishistanis.

     “They flattered him and he responded in kind like always,” said one Democrat in hiding.

     In a related development, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has threatened to call up over 50,000 Russian sex workers ( of the over 4 million currently working in and out of the country) and send them into battle against Ukraine.

– Fred Zeppelin

“I don’t like white people and I is one.” – Huck Finn in “James”

Local Rock Star Takes Life

Golden record and Grammy Award winner Newt Guitar Jepson was found dead yesterday backstage in the Imperial Ballroom of the Wimpton Sheridan Love Hotel, apparently a victim of his own hand.

     Jepson, who had recently been dating the 17-year-old daughter of the Hapsacke County coroner Gunther Gunne, had allegedly stabbed himself in the back thirteen times and then shot himself in the head and through the heart, according to Sheriff Howard “Gridiron” Gunne.  The coroner then concluded that Jepson must have disposed of the weapons since none were found at the scene of the “one-car suicide”.

     Jepson’s career epitomized a virtual rocket to stardom after the release of his first recording “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart”. From there it was CD after CD followed by a world tour of Texas and Oklahoma. Just two days before the tragedy he had agreed to appear on Stairway to the Galaxies in downtown Grand Junction.

     It was rumored that Jepson was heavily into the drug scene, but this was never proven. Although he was arrested over 600 times for various narcotic binges, he was never convicted.

     The local newspaper reported that there are currently 2398 suspects in Hapsack County alone, pop 2399 (now 2398) in addition to thousands line up to be paid for everything from sound systems to chocolate bars acquisitioned by Jepson during his brief flirtation with stardom and the big time.

     “All one has to do is listen to the lyrics and it’s clear he liked meth, coke and an assorted entourage of downers,” said an unreliable source perched over a jocular whiskey at the drab Victorian barrel room of the Imperial.

     Newt is survived by his wife Ima and his legitimate son Newt Jr., as well as 87 other alleged offspring, 24 of which are represented in local paternity suits.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

     The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) that stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.

     Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week, was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

     Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

     Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

     With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…

Christmas 2024 Quiz: Name the sitee (man on the right)

and you could be behind the wheel of a 1966 Mustang as early as tomorrow morning…   (Who’s up there with Declan photos)

Shortage of Caves Plagues Hibernating Bear

(Lake City) Burgeoning numbers amid the bear population has resulted in a housing crunch this winter with many bruins unable to find suitable caves. Already in Hinsdale County, the situation has translated into more town visits and a number of bears facing winter on the street, without protection.

     Bear have been observed sleeping under logs and pushing smaller mammals like marmots and skunks from traditional redoubts. Residents have reported more bears prowling around town when they should be sound asleep. The animals need more to eat while awake than while hibernating leading to a crisis.

     Despite the construction of new caves over the summer, many bear have vacated the Lake City region in search of homes in places like Creede and Ouray pressuring services in those locales. Development in bear habitat as well as a rise in the number of needy bears has resulted in the housing shortages there.

     “It’s almost as bad as potential employees searching for housing,” said one merchant. “It seems ridiculous that we face this annual crunch what with all the vacant trophy homes left empty for most of the year,” she said.

     Oddly enough, many bears have taken to squatting in vacant houses making them their winter homes. The problems here is that the bruins are not good housekeepers and often leave a path of destruction in their wake.

     “Imagine summer people returning to their homes in June to find their homes in shambles,” she continued. “What a shock and it might even be worse if the guest is still in residence.”

     Authorities fear that if the situation doesn’t improve before long local bears may blend into the general population of winter weary male residents and be undetectable until the spring thaw. Male residents are asked to shave beards, cut hair and bathe regularly so as not to be confused with the fury foragers.

     “It would be better for everyone if humans stayed indoors and bear stayed outdoors until May,” said our source, “but that might be wishful thinking.”

– Uncle Pahgre