All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Ouray Unveils New Marketing Campaign
(Ouray, Colorado — Executive Director’s Digest — January, 2015) Having given up on the idea of attracting even more Texans, Okies and Californians to this pristine Uncompahgre Valley, the Ouray-Ridgway Chambers of Commerce have finally decided on a cohesive promotional plan that aligns all elements in the county.
The innovative slogan, Ouray – Conveniently located between Canada and Mexico was enthusiastically adopted last night at a closed door meeting by the same people who backed the shrinking of parking spaces on Main Street.
“We expect our new approach to gain great appeal everywhere,” said one of the creators of the clever slogan. “We don’t want to be hemmed in or limited in our comprehension of what or who is out there. Our graphs are responsive. Our data is concise but we continue to be astounded at how many Front Rangers have never set foot in this region.”
“At first we thought that maybe they’re scared of our bears but they have bears in their woods too,” added another planner, “and lots of people to deal with in the more populated wilderness areas and campgrounds.”
Merchants and civic leaders agree that the new come-on, even if a bit eccentric, gives Ouray a big picture connotation since even the biggest geographic moron knows these two reference points.
Toward the end of the meeting one longtime resident, with far too much free time, suggested that Canada-Mexico reference be beefed up with a second reference: Ouray-Conveniently Located Between San Francisco and Washington DC.
“Then people might more easily locate our coordinates on their cell phones or designer topo maps,” he frowned and glared for accent.
Efforts to retire to the Longbranch Salon for a drink after the long meeting were thwarted because the bar closed in 1986.
– Neville Hoser
FOX Purges Anchors
(Denver, CO – January 10, 2015)
Apparently even queueing has its limits. Today executives at FOX News announced the network would be cutting news staff following the comments of one female newscaster who blamed the metric system for the crash of Air Asia Flight QZ8501 from Indonesia to Singapore.
“We’re just trimming the fat,” said Minnie Mentira. “Viewers should not be alarmed.”
Potentially embarrassing circumstances appear to have come to a head following a newsperson’s observation that the air traffic controllers and pilots were using the metric system to measure fuel, plot routes and communicate with the ground when they should have been using the Imperial System (customary units) like the one used by modern countries like America.
Suggesting that President Obama used the metric system (and quite possibly devil worship) to get elected, FOX urged its loyal viewing audience to reject the procedural scheme on those grounds alone.
The implication was painfully clear. To paraphrase: Metrics are unreliable, at least over the Java Sea. This would not have happened if other countries and cultures would follow the American lead.
“This woman’s mastery science not to mention world geography is frightening,” said one former CBS official. “But at least she is aware that another system of measurements exists and she didn’t confuse Indonesia with India or Indiana. It’s unbelievable that someone could make a comment like this on live news.”
Heads will begin to roll appropriately following Ground Hog’s Day.
Pulling in the reins, say executives, will not be easy. Television personalities, particularly at risk are those who have traveled out of the United States (not counting Canada, Branson and Cancun), those who speak a foreign language, those who occasionally skip breakfast meats, those not wearing a Ronald Reagan tie clip or broach and those who don’t own an RV.
The purge is likely to effect current newsroom employees, many who can document live births. On the chopping block are newscasters who have studied beyond high school, read for enjoyment, have skipped the mandatory pretty hair, wandering eye and accentuated hand movement seminar, and those who are suspected of using the metric system in private.
“While many of these described attributes and behaviors may appeal to liberals we will not have any of it,” summarized Mentira. “Producing a cartoon news program is no walk in the park and we must be vigilant.”
– Gabby Haze
Delimm, MA
Uptown and Downtown Colona, Colorado
(Geographically Challenged News Briefs – Gunnison, CO – January 10, 2015)
Discarded state abbreviations shed a lot of light on names of locations, all of which are said to be real places within the confines of the United States. Oh sure, the newer abbreviations are more functional but they are no fun.
By Donald Powers Jr.
The names of towns and cities across our nation show staggeringly little imagination on the part of various founders who apparently just stuck a name on a place without much consideration as to the primary reason for its existence. This is particularly acute in the Southwest where Spanish names are duplicated horrendously despite the chance for diversity and creativity.
Big business is failing to digest an obvious opportunity to capitalize on communal nomenclature that would reap, among other benefits, the kind of free publicity and advertising that money could not buy.
Lastly, the different levels of government have ignored the advantages of naming a locale for the purpose it may serve, opting to name a place after some dysfunctional, yet favored politician three decades in the ground.
What I am proposing makes sense, common sense to be exact. Company towns have sprung up from the Dakotas to Florida. Why hasn’t a company like Proctor and Gamble built such a settlement in the Pacific Northwest? They could call it Clean, Wash.
There are bottling companies in virtually every major U.S. city. Why isn’t there one in Pepsi, Colo., or with a little poetic license, Coca, Okla.? For weight watchers we’d have Low, Cal. They would face ungodly competition from Un, Colo.
(Ed note: As one might further perceive the abbreviations used here are a little archaic but they still are valid and in use in their longer versions in many spots. Rather than spew critique you will find it easier and certainly more amusing to just play along.)
And it gets more perplexing. There are no manufacturing plants in Tin, Kan; no mines in Pure, Ore; and they don’t even race horses at Bell, Mont.!
As I pointed out earlier the government shares the guilt. How much easier would it be to operate our penal system if it were housed in one building at Federal, Penn., with inmates eventually paroled at Yura, Conn.
Or how about an educational institution at Countta, Tenn. And Ithinki, Kan.? Even the seat of our government could be relocated to Sultans, Calif..
And in the spirit of gender equality we would build senior citizens centers in Mawan, Pa and in Pawan, Ma.
If the feds decide to investigate big gambling’s mob connection at Eeniemeeny Miney, Mo. They could question the dons at Shuttadetra, Pa, if they would name the town and build it. But they don’t care about the way things sound. They didn’t even bother to build the FBI institute at Pro, Tex..
One western state that brags about the quality of its atmosphere has still, after all these years, failed to find the city of Fresh, Ariz.. Kentucky exports horses and bourbon but there’s no Whisk, Ky. on their map. Meanwhile farther south we cannot identify anything near Shangri, La..
Religion, too, could greatly benefit from this schematic. While invariably there would be many faithless souls in Infa, Del. There would be tens of thousands of their brothers and sisters who, heedless of sacrifice, would trek from the corners of the world for the annual pilgrimage at Snof, Ala..
All of us know where to fight Eve, Ill. And do our penance at Weaves, Ind. Finally, when the time comes for that final roll call up yonder, where would be a more fitting place for a funeral than Requiem, Mass.
But for the living the laughs go on at vaudeville halls called Fun, NY., Ha, Ha.. And don’t forget the opera house at Trala, La..
You could ship Salvation Army donations to Broe, Kan. And take music lessons at Doeray, Me. or Pick, Colo., or maybe even Umpah, Pa..
Sports would stand to gain too. Some games would experience a complete revival as might occur in Kicks, Kan.. I can envision a world-class archery range at Bowenir, Ha. As well as the multi-million dollar keystone stadium at Balp, Ark. Life would be skating along in Hock, Ky. While they’d be throwing horseshoes and/or hand grenades at Near, Miss..
Just watch out for the barbecue in Toe, Maine. (OK, so sometimes we have to use the full name of some places to tell the joke).
Scientific foundations would also flourish as never before when stimulated by these methods:
a.) All sufferers of athlete’s foot would be only too happy to contribute to a prevention center in Fung, Ga.
b.) The increasing reports of flying saucers have made it mandatory to construct a research facility in Utink, Utah.
c.) Ecologists warn of an increasing list of endangered species and our youth must be made aware of this disaster. Consequently we should build a zoological mating garden at Noah’s, Ark..
d.) Archeology too is engaged in a desperate search for a new museum at Mumm, Me.. What about the field of physics and the suggested experimental laboratory at Iwonder, Wy.?
e.) And once and for all we could settle the mysteries of evolution at a secular study center in Munk, Ky..
If you’re getting married why not try the chapel at Ohla, La. Or the grotto at Dearest, Miss.? But maybe Dower, Wy is more your style. Either way Shotgun, Pa. is no picnic but it’s far better than Forgot, Tenn. Quite the Delimm, MA.
I myself will dispatch with all the matrimony and run for mayor in Hoe, Ore..
THEE, N.D.
Colona Airport Dome Big Mistake
(Billy Creek — December 27, 2015) The madcap plan to construct a massive dome over the expanded international airport is reckless, wasteful and rather pompous. It is also stupid. While we can appreciate the creativity of impetuous parties in Region Zen, the project should be left where it is right now: On a very warped drawing board.
If you listen to the public relations cadre, you would come to believe that the dome would be an incredible asset, one that would certainly dictate a building boom and link Colona with the lucrative ski dollars currently just out of reach.
“We think first impressions are everything,” said Margot Rottweiler, Executive Director of the Colona Alona Committee. “It is important that we keep our visitors cool in the summer and warm in the winter.”
We like the idea that over 300 starving artists from the area could share in the spoils due to the almost three vertical miles of murals planned for the airport. After that feat is accomplished another 10,000 square feet of white space remains inside and outside the dome. The ladders and paint has already been ordered and the committee is quietly compiling the final invitations.
“We considered selling banner advertising on the dome itself but decided to go with an esoteric approach instead,” continued Rottweiler. “Imagine a Redman Chewing Tobacco ad on a red-eye flight from the Bay Area.”
It gets sillier. Built to take full advantage of solar power, the proposed amenity calls for over 50 woodstoves to heat the place at night. It is surmised that this will create jobs for lumber mills and woodcutters from as far way as Pea Green and beyond. Currently there are no wood burning limitations, homeowners associations or government in Colona…just a lot of chickens and elk, and an occasional prowling mountain lion.
“We can’t have our visiting skiers sitting outside on benches where they would certainly be lunch for a hungry predator,” she gasped. “That’s not the kind of publicity that we want.”
Critics fear that aviation accidents will increase some 98% with the dome. They say that the talk of big profits has clouded the vision of their adversaries. They further argue that money saved on such expenses as runway maintenance and snow removal cannot be brought into balance with the potential for loss of life and worse. Salvage rights have yet to be discussed.
“These throwbacks don’t understand basic physics,” whined Rottweiler. “Every time someone tries to implement a positive idea we get these urban pinheads trying to dictate policy to the entire community. Why don’t they focus on something that they understand like repairing the sidewalks.”
Not only is the Colona Alona Committee a bunch of newcomer, idle, pushy hacks but they are mean. Colona has no sidewalks, a sensitive point to most residents here. – Editor
Believe It or Horseshoe?
Did you know that the famous Swedish astronomer, Tycho Brahe had a nose made of gold? It was a replacement for his own which he lost in a duel with a Danish nobleman in 1566.
Did you know that the Graham Cracker was named after Sylvester Graham, a New England minister? He not only invented the cracker but also published a journal in Boston that took a rabid stand against tea, coffee, featherbeds and women’s corsets.
Are you aware that a Dromedary camel named Jeb is the only desert animal to have ever laughed (and spit) at an outfit worn by the Queen of Sheba, and lived to tell about it?
Did you know that ping-pong is a game created by George Washington to help pass the cold winter nights at Valley Forge? Washington allowed his staff and junior officers access to the green table if they brought their own balls. The best competition occurred among a Hessian fusilier detachment that had deserted to the American cause after the Battle of White Plains. The rest of the tattered army was limited to late night games or a rare opening when Martha came up for the weekend.
Were you aware that there has never been a documented attack by a marmot on a human since 1852? Researchers at the Boyle Institute of Free Thought in Glenwood Springs confirm that the marmot (whistle pig, alpine woodchuck) is a peace-loving vegan who will engage in the attack mode only when someone threatens his mate or insults his national heritage.
Did you know that people who live in southeastern Oklahoma have no eyebrows? Many wear fake eyebrows or pull their hats down to hide their shame. Masks have been employed in more affluent districts. Dermatologists in Dallas tell us that the eyebrows disappeared not long after the adoption of a state license plate slogan calling Oklahoma “Native America” which is a misnomer since not one native American relocated here by choice. A Cherokee curse clearly states that if Oklahoma would simply reassert, “Oklahoma is OK” instead of the reference to the tribes that were brought here, the eyebrows would grow back.
Did you realize that of all the illegal aliens that entered the United States since 2010 only 31% were Martian? The other prominent groups include agricultural workers from Uranus (19%), Neptune (12%) and Pluto (8%). The others (30%) are a mix of economic refugees from Mexico and Central America.
Did you realize that when the Russian Army stops for lunch in Ukraine or Georgia that it takes 3800 pounds of potatoes, 2345 pounds of kielbasa, 1300 gallons of borscht, 3500 gallons of vodka, 2000 tubs of sour cream and one gross of parsley to feed them? – Suzie Compost
Kids! Save all of your Believe It Or Horseshoe columns.
Win friends, amaze teachers and win bar bets when you grow up.