All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
El maravilloso mundo de los insectos y las arañas
En otra comunicación informativa de EL ERROR NACIONAL – febrero 25, 2015
Anécdotas interesantes y fuertes indicios de que el
raza humana no es la única especie inferiores del planeta
Las hormigas mantienen esclavos. Ciertas especies, las llamadas hormigas sanguinarias en particular, asaltan los nidos de otras tribus de hormigas, matan a la reina y secuestran a muchos de los trabajadores. Los trabajadores son luego llevados de vuelta a la colmena del captor donde son obligados a que realicen tareas degradantes y triviales, a menudo por menos del salario mínimo.
Las termitas no están relacionados con las hormigas. Ellos son parte de la familia de cucarachas y muy orgulloso de ella.
Una mosca de la casa por lo general vive en Colorado durante dos semanas y luego vuela de regreso a casa para volver a trabajar sólo para regresar por una semana durante la temporada de esquí.
Sólo las abejas hembra funcionan. Los machos permanecen en las colmenas viendo el fútbol y beber mala cerveza light. Su única verdadera misión en la vida es para fertilizar la reina en su vuelo inaugural (baile de debutantes, fiesta de presentación, quinceañeras, etc.) Para este único fin, literalmente miles de machos son incubados, de los cuales uno o dos de ellos en realidad se aparean con la reina. ¿Suena familiar? Después de haber cumplido su función, los machos son nunca más permitió volver a la colmena y deben dormir en el sofá por el resto de su relativamente condensada, aunque miel proned y zumbidos, toda la vida.
Las cucarachas han vivido en el planeta durante 250 millones años sin cambiar su ropa interior.
Hay más escarabajos de la Tierra que cualquier otro seres vivos, con excepción de los comentaristas deportivos malos y municiones cabilderos.
Sólo las picaduras de mosquitos femeninos. El macho considera que se trata de la marca de un marica y prefiere a la caja con su presa. El macho es aplastada con la misma regularidad que la hembra a pesar de que es inofensivo.
Si se coloca una cantidad mínima de licor en un escorpión, que al instante se volvería loco y picar hasta la muerte. Esta es una de las razones que no cumpla con estos arácnidos salir en los bares. Si tiene la intención de probar este experimento preferimos usted utiliza alcohol barato y no pierda nada bueno en estos bastardos miserables.
Una cucaracha puede vivir durante varias semanas con su cabeza cortada. Muchos seres humanos viven desde hace 80 años o más sin cerebro en la cabeza que mantienen.
El escarabajo bombardero, después de digerir un burrito de frijoles, se defiende mediante la emisión de una serie de explosiones, no a diferencia de un ataque con gas de la Primera Guerra Mundial. Los ruidos sucesivas parecen mucho a puf escopeta en miniatura y se acompañan de una nube de, líquido con olor vil de color rojizo. Se recomienda que uno evita paseos de ascensor con estos terrestres flatulentos.
Las abejas tienen cinco ojos. Hay tres pequeños ojos en la parte superior de la cabeza de las abejas y los dos más grandes en el frente. Las criaturas que ven muy bien y saben que golpeó con fuerza en ellos y que relajado cuando zumbaban. Si las abejas cuentan cartas, que podría ser capaz de hacer una matanza en el casino.
– Sammy Spiderhausen
FREELOADER HOROSCOPE
Even the skies resent a bum, at least we think they do. The following is a prepared astrological sushi roll for the person whose prime time on the planet is spent taking up space, often at the expense of the other guy. Winter is here and there’s no place warm to sleep for the slothful who doze while the crazed, of honest pioneer stock, chop wood and staple visquine till hell won’t have it. Is it beans or caviar? A soft bed or the pavement? Elegance or the shelter? Read on.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
If your birthday was yesterday you’ve missed it. There is a big difference between expect and expert . Watch out for someone else’s bright ideas landing in your lap. Kick all extra points very carefully. It may be better to open doors than beer cans at the present. Try on a little responsibility. Walk around in it. Look in the mirror. If it doesn’t fit you don’t have to buy it. Nice low profile. Cut the trash, flash the cash! Accept all free rides no matter what the destination. Tonight: Sleep under a different bridge.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Why drag yourself out of bed early? It just makes you tired in the early hours of the morning. Yield the power of positive thinking to someone else. Feeling sorry for yourself is its own reward. Try keeping to the sunny side of the alley and stay horizontal when possible. It’s not that you exhibit no interests it’s more that they all surface at once, effectively shorting out your brain, leaving you confused by self-motivation and in need of a nap. Your keen knowledge of history will be of great benefit today. Look! A half of an Anthony and Cleopatra, still smoking, right there in the gutter beside you. Tonight: Fried bologna.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Relaxation is your driving force. Milk it. Ask not for whom the couch tolls! Venus, your ruler, will soon travel deep into the sympathetic sign of Capricorn. Hopefully she has four-wheel-drive. Avoid physical labor but never at the expense of mental fatigue. You had a good idea once. Your generosity will not exceed your needs. Curb tendencies toward charity. Venus crosses your love path tonight. Too bad you’ve destroyed credibility and cannot borrow so much as cab fare and the money for a six-pack. Lead with your best side if there is such a thing. You would make a great grammar school science project. Tonight: Change at least one of your socks.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Keep your good eye open for an unexpected pleasure. The merry-go-round is still a miracle even if it’s going in the wrong direction. Ride along or sit back on the bench and watch others spin. Carnivals are far more meaningful than bank statements and phone bills. Don’t allow the little piggies to get your goat, especially in the work place. Don’t ride elevators with gypsies. Without the exotic mundane there would be no grounded thrills. This the right time of the year to talk to cats on the fence. Tonight: Open a whole new can of beans.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Affairs of the heart may get caught in your throat. Challenge house plants. Just because you feel affection for a great many people doesn’t give you liberties in the field of pantslessness. Put your mind to it and there is nothing you can do. Don’t let others make decisions for you unless they are buying the wine. Application of a little charm at the front door might gain temporary entry but will most likely result in a posterior deposit at the servant’s entry. You will find a new source of income once Mars changes signs this week. Two welfare checks are better than one. Tonight: Get to the soup kitchen early.
TAURUS (April 20- May 20)
A successful career is in your grasp. Take heart…this too will pass. Black tie decadence is not affordable on your second-hand, brown bag budget. That stray bullet was meant for you. Learn to be a graceful loser. Why simply hesitate when you can ignore altogether. Another nap is fine. You may be mistaken as functional in a love relationship. Sabotage is easier than commitment. A remote dumpster offers culinary secrets. Rubbing noses is safer than kissing, especially from across a crowded room. Tonight: Get cozy with cardboard.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Don’t let late night arrivals distract you from safe snoring decibels. If you sell your soul for whiskey what will you have to trade for ice? A thirsty sailor is not a happy seaman. Refrain from bragging about body hair. Adopt a subliminal approach to pet training. Avoid tete-a-tetes unless you speak French. Chasing rainbows is better than chasing your tail. Seek direction and peace in the wallpaper. Home decorating ideas swirl around in your head. Go ahead: Hang those lovely lace curtains on your grocery cart. When your ship comes in will there be anyone to help you unload her? Tonight: Burn the scandal at both ends.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Learn to appreciate waste. You are far better at creating problems than in solving them. Go with the flow but not all the way down the drain. Running on three cylinders is no walk in the park. A breakfast bar is not always a place to buy a drink before lunch. Too many one-to-one relationships may tax your mathematical prominence. Keep the freight schedule handy as you may be taking a little trip in the future. Bask in the limelight of neon signs. Something in the news will make you warm. Could it be the business section blanketing your shoulders. Tonight: Tye-dye your libido.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Pay close attention to the blueprint of your specified arena. Tribesmen are sure to leave for the liquor store soon. If you had a job you could bring home work at night, if you had a home. Dwell on passing the time. Life is just a movie and you are required to perform your own stunts. Follow your instincts and they will lead you to the end of your nose. Leave it to the others to conform to you. It’s probably too late to procrastinate. It’s tough to make a fresh impression tomorrow with the stale breath of so many yesterdays. File the short form.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Objects in the mirror seem smaller and farther away than they may appear. Unlocking doors could land you in jail. Handle all fiscal matters quickly and irresponsibly. Nothing can stop you since you are not moving in any direction. Learn to laugh at life since it is certainly laughing at you. If you ignore that important decision long enough it will cease to be of concern. Join the circus. Social activities should have accelerated last month. It’s difficult to diversify when your bicycle seat is on backwards. Tonight: Tuna martinis.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
You will enjoy a wild goose chase especially if you’re not the prey. Forget past obligations with the same vigor that you are embracing present responsibilities. Maintain a sense of equilibrium, at least below the belt. Your soul mate is a hamster. Every queen named Jane has either been murdered, imprisoned, gone mad, died young or been dethroned. What else is left? Beware of pickpockets with vacuum attachments. Seeing good in all things is commendable. Seeing good in a fog is worthwhile. Never confuse the bait with the catch. Tonight: Sackcloth and ashes.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Negotiations will do little good at the guillotine. Broken bones may impress the neighbors. Clear your throat, your head will follow. Malnutrition is an eating disorder too. Today would be a great time to stop drinking. Next week would be a better time. Never pull a knife in a greasy spoon. Imagine your mother-in-law with a bald head. Stay far enough ahead of the pack to effectively cover your tracks. A shirt-sleeve relative will attempt to get his hands in your pockets. Don’t sweat the small print if you can’t read the headlines. If you insist on paying your bills on time it will grow to be expected. Tonight: Hog the blankets.
-Kashmir Horseshoe, copyright 2015, The Astrological-Metaphysical Cavalry
Common Ski Phobias
(Crested Butte, CO – Special from The Tips Up Times – Feb 12, 2015)
Hey dudes! This month I want to talk about being afraid and not being afraid. Did you know there are over 114 common phobias common to the sport of skiing? While I don’t have time or inclination to include every one of them in this column I feel that it is important that we realize the extent of
the dangers.
I first penned this piece back around Arts Fair Weekend but the editor told me it did not embrace the season. Then I lost it then found it at the bottom of my sleeping bag in December. Then one morning I saw the thing in the dog’s dish, cleaned it up a bit and sent it along in hopes of earning some beer money. Radical.
There are enough ski phobias circulating out there to fill a ski bunny’s luggage. Treatment is out there for the more serious disorders but I couldn’t tell you where. Maybe a counselor, a ski instructor or life coach…or maybe a large stick up the side of one’s head? Actually I’m still trying to get treatment for my last haircut, man.
The first noticeable phobias are most often encountered upon arrival at the slopes where novice skiers often panic.
Highways can be icy which creates what we call Ditchophobia (the fear of sliding off the road). This can be a serious setback but is nothing compared with Skivoditchophobia (the fear of sliding off the road in dirty underwear). Once the barn door is left open a host of other phobias march right in including Cramdenophobia (the fear of bus drivers); Wrappophobia (the fear of too many layers of clothing); Solaphobia (fear of the sun and sunscreen) and Laurenophobia (fear of new ski outfit clashing with rented ski gear).
Spasophobia, which affects one in every three skiers, has to do with inopportune attention paid to lift ticket display, location of money/credit cards, hairspray and grace in exiting the lift. If one is up on the blacks he doesn’t need to be thinking about accessories. He needs to concentrate on skiing. It is a stupid to worry when an empty head is the goal here.
The problems, often created by poor information, high-test, low oxygen hangovers, the wrong drugs, too much cologne, twisted religion, aggressive lift ticket wire apparatus, and inferior lifestyles, can become chronic from one run to the next. On the slopes one must often contend with Surgophobia (fear of ending up in the hospital) and Shadeophobia (fear of temporary color-blindness in the bright sun). This second perceived or actual stress point can cause the already anxious skier to misread his trail map. Black can look like green on a tiny trail map in the glare, which can lead to acute hysteria and an official sled ride down the mountain.
Warsawphobia (fear of puncture wounds from unruly poles) and Heistophobia (the fear of terrorists wearing ski masks) can be detrimental when combined with Castophobia (fear of body casts) and Drawlophobia (fear of speaking if one hails from Dixie). Although fears are often unfounded, they look pretty real to an out-of-control skier speeding toward an unforgiving fence or a suspended snowboarder. (Be sure never to confuse Castophobia with Castrophobia (fear of someone throwing a Cuban cigar from the lift chair and burning a hole in your new polyester ski outfit.)
The novice skier must be prepared to overcome Slamophobia (fear of the ticket office window closing in your face) Clenchophobia (fear of one’s tense toes snapping off in his boots) and Guffawophobia (fear of being laughed at by other skiers. A lesson or two might help.
Phobias easily treated slopeside include Aphobia (fear of flunking out of ski school and getting drafted into the army; Gogglophobia (fear of an uneven raccoon facial tan due to uneven eye protection devices); Donjuanophobia (fear of falling in love with one’s ski instructor); Zappophobia (fear of ingesting yellow snow) and Catatonophobia (fear of a collision with a Snowcat or a powder hound). These common concerns can usually be put to rest with a concise chat with a ski instructor or a shot of morphine.
Awareness of these tribulations is the first step toward conquering cowardice in the snow. Some more remote meltdowns may include Litigataphobia (fear of law suits relating to incompetent maneuvers and running into others), Petaphobia (fear of toddlers leaving you in the “dust”) and Zoologiphobia (fear of being eaten by bears or lions while enjoying the back country). While these conditions are rare, they should be considered in your ski planning.
Be sure to tune in next time when we dismember Western Colorado celebrity phobias such as Ophraphobia, Jokerphobia, Bradyphobia, and Hickenloopaphobia. – Dude Skulldiver Jr.
Commissioners Reject Road Guards
(San Juan County —The Silverton Subversive — January 20, 2015) The addition of proposed metal traffic guards along portions of Molas and Coal Bank Passes was firmly rejected 4 -1, with Commissioner Faith Hope, of Hope’s Church Supply casting the single vote in favor of the project.
The other Commissioners, Harry Altman of Harry’s Towing and Auto Wrecking, George Poindexter III of Silver Lining Funeral Home, Dr. Samuel Butcher of Four Corner’s Hospital and Ves Smith of Smith’s Ambulance Service all felt that the guards were an unnecessary expense.
Readers will note that Butcher and Smith will begin their respective tenures in October but were allowed a practice vote on this measure to better prepare them for their coming terms. – Donald Powers Jr.
“Three of my favorite pursuits were recently thwarted when I was refused employment by the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.”
– General Kashmnir Horseshoe, Cavalry CSA 1861-1863) and Artillery, US Army (1864-1865) retired.
Power Surges Plague Elderly
(Eureka, CO — Wind Power Press — January, 20, 2015) Annoying and often perilous power surges are the result of inactivity and worn out parts says a noted physician here. Idle hours can create buildup of diverted power and then poof…an unknowing or unnoticed discharge of displaced energy.
The schematic is really quite simple. The energy collects in all kinds of cavities and organs of the body and hides out until it cannot contain its giddy enthusiasm for outflanking the human immune system.
“It is a human tendency for people to become more sedentary as they age,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster (who is not really a doctor but is often quoted as one when we need a expert reference). “Then, when the situation demands action they fly into it jerky-jerky just like they were still 21. Up and down, back and forth, between the routine…I get tired watching them,” said the doctor.
Responding to these summations, one older reader told our editor that Lackluster was an idiot.
“My power surges come first thing in the morning but diminish as the day wears on,” he offered. “By night I am in need of serious recharging. This quack’s diagnosis makes about as much sense as this story.
“Imagine if you will, the inside of the doctor’s head as a small cranial hydroelectric power plant. Now imagine a January ice storm inside there all mixed up with the hydroelectric trinkets. The results are galvanizing!”
The gentleman, who asked to remain agronomist, said that power surges can be harnessed and used in many positive ways. He added that he was tired of society discarding seniors instead of recycling them.
Readers may recall that “Doctor” Lackluster suffered a voltage disturbance back in 1927 when an incompetent nurse dropped him from an extension ladder in his steel nursery. He has exhibited as many as 34 distinct personalities, but never in one sitting.
The nurse, whom he later married, was never charged in the incident.
If you have been experiencing unwanted or accelerated power surges call your electric coop. – Suzie Compost