Spam Truck Rolled

(Chattanooga Chronicle — Red Mountain Pass — February 25, 2015)
A dual-henway, oversize semi carrying a capacity load of Spam to hungry valley dwellers overturned south of Ruby Wall this afternoon it was disclosed. The driver of the truck was unhurt and there were no other vehicles involved.
“I never seen a road so mean as this one,” said a shaken Muriel Armbruster, from a bar stool in the belly of this burgh. I was almost to Ouray when the road ate me up.”
No charges were filed. Armbruster plans to retire from trucking in August.
“After this I figure on driving in nice flat, boring landscapes,” she said. “I might even move to Kansas. I hear they don’t have a lot of curves and rarely a drop-off there.
Company officials at Colorado’s largest Spam processing plant warned residents to stay clear of the accident site. The company has posted armed snipers above the wreckage and guards on the highway to prevent looting.
Police expect the whole mess to be cleaned up by September.
Residents in Montrose and Delta should expect Spam prices to go up for the summer holiday weekends. Synthetic spam will be airdropped to the most severely deprived locales by Father’s Day. – Dinty Moore

“It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint , aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public.” – George Bernard Shaw