All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
TOWNIE CELL PHONE PROGRAM PRAISED
Ed note: The much-praised traveling cell phone program was abruptly cancelled in March of 2019. Residents are still perplexed as to controversial state and county decisions. “It’s like living in Russia.,” said one snow monkey.
(Crested Butte) The traveling Townie Cell Phone, available to anyone who needs to make a call while in town, has covered a lot of miles up and down Elk Avenue since the program started in September. The service, relying entirely on the honor code and a small cell phone, has been called a success by residents and tourists alike.
Fortunately it’s all quite simple. The designated cell phone plan, like the townie bike concept of years gone by, requires a strict adherence to logistics, fair consideration of the needs of others and credit card. Potential users can pick up the cell phone at any one of four locations on Elk. It is perfectly legit to bring the phone anywhere in town to make calls just so long as it is returned to one of the Hot Spots, which change weekly for security purposes.
Phone calls and costs are then recorded on the caller’s Federal Identification Card and transferred overnight to an appropriate credit plan.
“It beats having to carry a cell phone around,” said Melvin Toole, who uses the service at least 20 times per day. “My cost is kept down and the convenience is unparalleled.”
Long distance calls will be surcharged 15% during slow times and 20% during peak season. A proposition is in the wings wherein a further 1% sales tax might someday pay these costs but for now it falls to the individual consumer.
“This is nothing less than a sociological Quantum Leap,” continued Toole. “Any community that does not get on the bandwagon is missing the boat.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Saint Roscoe Appears at Blue Mesa
(Gunnison) Saint Roscoe, the patron of recreational vehicles, reportedly dropped in on some unsuspecting campers on the shores of Blue Mesa yesterday. Dressed in the sky blue leisure suit that has become his trademark, Roscoe called for the creation of an autonomous state where summer would last all year long and gasoline would sell for 15 cents per gallon.
He also urged RV manufacturers to build bigger and better vehicles and for toy poodles to be recognized as minor deities and respected as such.
After promising to return, he disappeared.
Readers may recall that Saint Roscoe has made several house calls to Colorado casinos and bingo halls over the past few years. His message remains a constant one of chronic consumption.
“We are spending the planet’s inheritance,” he has often said.
Parapsychologists remain baffled as to any explanation for these sightings but agree that the special effects are quite impressive.
“It reminds me of a Wayne Newton concert,” said one scientist, “with the exception that Roscoe is some 30 pounds lighter than the `Newt.'”
You need us
Calvin, Locke and Cromwell, attys at law Experienced and deadly. “No heart. No soul. No tolerance”Habla espanol
“You’re just mad because my sunglasses cost more than your car.”
– Small Mouth Bess at Cannes
Tough Times
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and we were so poor we couldn’t even afford KBUT…so poor that we had only one toy between the fourteen kids. It was a piece of coal that daddy brought home from the Big Mine. We all got the coal for 1/2 day which worked out really well. My day was Tuesday from noon to midnight. I remember squirming all day in school in apprehension of the afternoon’s delight. Then magically the time arrived, and I rushed home to play with my treasure, my siblings gawking in envy.
Daddy said the coal taught us to be happy with what little we had and after all he needed that whiskey to keep him settled after a shift. Later, after daddy dropped dead of the gout, we burned the coal and spread the ashes on Kebler Pass.
– Margot Rottweiler
Los condados de GOP Gerrymanders regresan a México
(Brownsville UPS) Esta tarde se confirmaron rumores inquietantes de que los legisladores cristianos de Texas abortados en papel han devuelto al menos 5 condados de Texas a México.
El cambio accidental, un intento de evitar que la gente de color abrace el poder del voto, fue llamado “nuestro error” por una clase de políticos avergonzados, pero continuamente ignorantes, no vistos desde el Tercer Reich.
Los condados enviados de regreso a México incluyen Jim Wells, Dimmit, Willacy, Patricio y las partes occidentales de Arnsas y Kleberg. Todos han tenido una alta población latina desde el siglo XVIII.
“Estamos seguros de que se puede hacer algo para aliviar este percance”, dijo el portavoz Rory Alamo, un funcionario no electo con una influencia impresionante en la Cámara. Si no, tendremos que invadir de nuevo. ¡Recuerda Vera Cruz!
Los condados afectados tendrán hasta enero para responder legalmente a los cambios. Los residentes allí probablemente votarán en una elección especial para determinar la nacionalidad futura. ¿Se quedarán en Estados Unidos o se unirán a México?
Nadie lo sabe.
– Verde rojo
“La fortuna favorece a los que ya son ricos. Si los campesinos se levantan, los ricos simplemente contratarán a los moros “.
– Roscoe “Chepe” Mola
Western Gives Cornhuskers Solid Beating
Will Take on Michigan Next
(Gunnison) The Western State University Mountaineer Poker Team beat Nebraska in both 7-card stud and 5-card draw this evening running their season’s record to 15-0. The hapless flatlanders were set back on their heels from the start as Mountaineer standout Melvin Toole flashed a queen high straight in the first hand. He then followed with a low straight flush and 4 sevens before dropping out in the fourth go round.
“We expected a little more from the Nebraska dealers,” said WSC coach “Toots” Newberry, who has been at the gambling helm since 1960. “Maybe it was the long bus ride but they just didn’t seem to have the concentration.”
In the later rounds, the Western State players simply ran away with the match, cleaning out the Cornhuskers and even pulling in personal jewelry, stereo equipment, a late model pickup truck and assorted IOUs. At the finale, as the midnight oil burned brightly, Newberry himself was forced to disallow a controversial transaction.
“One of their players wanted to bet that stupid looking mascot, Billy Cornhusker or something. I had a feeling my guy had a full house,” said the card coach. “I stepped in and stopped play.”
Western State’s poker squad was one of the first teams organized after federal funds were made available for parlor games in 1984. The athletic department had recently dropped baseball and was looking for a spring sport to take its place. Poker has been a very successful program at the college ever since. Profits have even paid the heating bill in classroom buildings some Januarys.
Next on tap for the Mountaineers is a deceptive Wolverine club, a group that has been accused of dealing off the bottom of the deck on more than one occasion. When the chips are down Western will be a six-pot favorite to clean up.
– Bart Maverick
