All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Western to host winter semester in Mexico

(Gunnison) In what comes as quite a relief to some, Western State University today announced that it would conduct all business, scholastic and otherwise from Guadalajara, Mexico this winter. This means that all undergraduate students, signed up for the regular academic year will be taking classes in a semi-tropical environment rather than in the normal confines of sub-zero weather. 

     The plan, an out-the-door bit of marketing concept credited to a local middle school marketing class. Enrollment up 40% since the announcement of the academic relocation. In addition to their studies students will visit beaches, mountains, ruins and Mexico’s legitimate tequila bottling plants nearby the city of 7 million. Spanish majors will be given preference in housing while others will undergo a crash course in the language this fall. Most will live in cobertizos, designed to look like student/livestock  housing sheds back in Gunnison, so as to give the kids a sense of familiarity with their new surroundings. More than 3000 trailers could be hauled in but they won’t.

     “The program is a lot like Crested Butte’s Free Ski promotion except that it has nothing to do with skiing and isn’t free,” said one excited sophomore who hopes to study Mariachi music, an art form originating in Guadalajara, and go on to marry Alejandro Gardel, a famous Mexican soap opera star.

     Critics of the program point to economic hardships caused by the restructuring both here and within the families of WSC students. In addition they insist that ski season will be missed.

     “We have already canceled winter break with the second (winter) semester beginning the Monday following Thanksgiving,” said an administrator of some regard.”They’ll all be back by March if the buses hold up.”

– Signelle de Bushe

Farmers Market Busted in Human Trafficking Sting

(Montrose) A local farmer’s market has been put on probation after evidence of human trafficking was discovered over the weekend. According to a preliminary police report, the long respected agricultural peddlers have been selling actual farmers (as the name certainly suggests) right along with the parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

     Although no one has come forward to verify these accusations it appears clear that some monkey business has been going on. Undercover agents attempting to buy tomatoes this morning were allegedly asked “You wanna squeeze something a bit more substantial?” and “Spend another $50 and we’ll throw in Old MacDonald too.”

     One scandalized resident said she was stunned by the disclosures.

     “See,” she glared, “it starts with the organic communist crap and gets worse and worse. It’s all that Woody Guthrie’s fault for writing songs to the sharecroppers. Gave ’em notions. As if peaches, apples and celery weren’t enough…”

     Insiders say the market brought $2000 for the younger farmers and as little as $35 for the elderly, despite their uncanny experience and willingness to work in the sun for 16-hour days.

     “That’s a pretty good price,” said one bean counter, “if one can simply get over the moral implications of kidnapping, forced labor and false imprisonment we’d be home free. Many of us still believe that it is never right to hold people against their will even if the melons are ripe.”

     Aristocrats behind the attempts to intertwine dependency into the fabric of agriculture say the arrangement is temporary at any level and definitely at the experimental stage. 

     Another man told us that the whole thing is just another attempt to horse-collar private enterprise.

     “What’s all this atwitter about?” he scowled. “It’s been going on over in Utah for decades.”                     – Jiminy Crow

Bronco Line to answer questions in Canadian

(Denver) In response to a league ruling ordering them to speak to reporters, no matter how beef-witted the questions, the newly rebuilt Denver Bronco offensive line will converse publicly in Canadian throughout the 2023-2024 season. In a departure from past years, when Bronco lineman chose to glare at sportswriters in lieu of even the slightest response the entente is seen as an attempt to placate the NFL without selling out.

     Athletes all over the league have been threatened with fines if they do not comply with league assertions and cooperate fully with the talking heads, who represent the first wave of media dollars targeting franchise owners.

     Several Colorado Avalanche players have been pressed into service tutoring the linemen as to the proper vernacular of the Canadian tongue.

     “We beat the hell out of each other out on the ice,” said one Avalanche wingman who demanded animosity, “but if one of us so much as brushes a ref it’s two minutes in the penalty box. I think if the sportswriters were a little more knowledgeable and a little less robotic and opinionated this whole matter never would have come up. Why should professional athletes been coerced into talking to with these parrots? Isn’t there enough noise on the planet already?”

– Rocky Flats

Novel written without verbs

(Ouray) A newly released thriller by Melvin B. Toole may be, as critics say, slow and inconceivable, but it is certainly original, at least in format. “Cherub Bait”, (Testosterone Brothers Publishing) is the first novel to be completed without one, single verb in the text.

     The task, which took the first-time writer over 30 years to complete, grew out of an obsession with tranquillity and motionless embraced while orbiting in outer space in 1973. Back then, when there were more manned spacecraft than cell phones, a person could go weeks engaged in subtle bliss and days without moving at all.

     Cherub Bait, sometimes forcefully always  in a mellifluous air, defends “the ambivalent lard asses of our time” repeatedly calling them the “knights of indolence” while laughing at modern day man caught up in his rush to get ahead.

     “There is not much action,” said one critic, but the posture is eloquent in its own clearly disturbed way. To call it sluggish would be an insult to the entire slimy genus of terrestrial gastropod mollusks.

– Alfalfana Romero

BIDEN GIVES RED STATES TO CHINA

(Montrose) President Joe Biden today ceded control of most of the southern and middle of the United States to China so as to satisfy interest payments on outstanding loans and avoid financial default. According to reliable Republican sources here, the transfers will go into affect on July 5 so as not to interfere with Fourth of July parades and fireworks the day before.

     The area effected includes all territory from Florida to Texas and from Indiana to Oklahoma, as well as Wyoming, Idaho, Utah and Montana. Residents there will have until July 31 to vacate the premises or swear allegiance to China.

     “We hated to give up North Carolina, Montana and Florida since those states may well vote Democratic in coming elections,” said an Administration spokesperson. 

     The decision to give away half of the United States came after the Chinese called in a series of debts relating to trade imbalances and “egg roll diplomacy” said White House.

     “You won’t read this in the papers,” said the GOP source. “Biden has made sure of that. He has pissed away the Confederacy!”

     Alluding to the reputed deep state, the more transparent liberal media and the lies circulated by progressives, he went on to say that Red China is now “a sad shade more red than before”.

     “At least the Chinese restaurants might improve,” he frowned. “They have certainly gone downhill under this administration.”

For a related story see 

“Colorado Meth Alley Counties Volunteer to Join Red States in Gerrymandering Blitzkrieg”

on page 45 

Plastic diapers blamed for behavior disorders

Hemp the Savior?

(Yellow Rock) The use of plastic disposable diapers is being blamed for the rise in insanity in civilized cultures according to pediatricians from here to Brownsville. Aside from the obvious psychological damage that occurs when baby is left too long in any soiled duds the employment of disposable diapers may be the root of  the rampant social disorder  that has plagued the planet since turn of the last century.

     Pop culturalists agree that plastic diapers made their opening statement in 1948 and were embraced by mothers (and fathers) who could afford what was considered a luxury. 

Despite the great invention, trouble was ahead. No diapers to wash but was baby different than before? Were these diapers really such a good idea? Were infants wearing these disposables losing ground both physically and mentally due to chemicals and plastic embracing their sensitive skin? Were babies becoming psychopathic because they wore disposable crotch threads?

     Some doctors say that a baby experiences gratification and security by touch at a young age. What can we expect when he or she is living in plastic and adhesive instead of soft cotton and safety pins? Super-absorbent polymers, resealable tape, elastic waistbands. Was this the stuff of cribs and changing tables in the future?

     Navel intelligence tells us there is less than 10% collateral damage here but is not clear what harm is done by the very nature of the garment. Unfortunately the key witnesses who are still parading around in disposable diapers are not likely to have mastered the language at that young age and thus cannot to tell us much about the nitty gritty reality.

     Then there is the environmental impact. Disposable is a two-headed monster and convenience comes at a high price. In just a dozen years discarded plastic diapers would account for 1.5% of the municipal waste in the country. In 2050 the diapers pitched in a landfill today will just begin biodegrading.

     One solution is to begin producing diapers from hemp which is comfortable, sturdy, cheap and last virtually forever. Although many parents are hesitant due to ignorance of hemp which has long been associated with the drug culture. Hemp diapers are ecologically friendly and cost a fraction of the plastic variety. Yes, they must be washed but considering the fiscal and environmental benefits it is clearly worth it. Already astronauts, the incontinent and a host of little circus dogs have been wearing hemp nappies for years to glowing reports. The more industrial versions have been known to  empower  Democrats to present longer speeches and control Wikileaks in aging Republicans.

     One researcher, speaking on the condition that he not be associated with diapers of any kind said, “Virtually everyone in civilized society has worn plastic diapers and everyone is basically nuts.”

– Dag Katz

MOST BLACK BEAR LIVE BELOW POVERTY LINE

(Bare Falls) A majority of Colorado’s 12,000 black bear are indigent, penniless and otherwise destitute according to Division of Fur, Scales, and Feathers here. The Office of FSF, a division of the Colorado SOW says the problem is increasing with sub-substandard snow pack yielding less food and fewer acres of ample ground cover in which to hide from burgeoning human occupiers. 

     The black bear, the smallest and most numerous of the overall species, has been living hand to mouth for centuries, long before statistics as to fiscal well being were collected. In the years when worth was measured not in material wealth but in spirit this did not present such a gaping problem but today the disparity runs rampant like a hungry child with his ass hanging out. 

Black bear family crosses River Road near Ridgway early in the morning.

     Although the bear is inquisitive, very adaptive, bright and social, he is up against the wall of progress. Despite the inequality he is remarkably tolerant of humans. A shy omnivore, the bear will eat just about anything plant or animal. Chronic problems emerge when the animals get used to eating human garbage and thus have more contact with the main predator, which, of corpse, is you and I.

     Able to run in bursts exceeding 35 miles per hour and climb trees like nobody’s business, black bear are great swimmers. Often living up to 25 years in the wild, the bear exhibits incredible smell, sight and hearing.

     “The bear may be proud beasts but are basically stinky deadbeats, like most other forest mammals,” said Durango biologist Lexy Brooine, head of the Fur and Feathers segment of SOW, a state component of Boneland Security. 

     “If you give a bear a fish you create dependency. If you teach a bear to fish you create a functional creature who embraces independence. With all the people on welfare and other gov’ment assistance these days it is difficult to cater to the beasts,” she explained. “There is only so much money to give away.”

     Often considered reasonably affluent in comparison to smaller mammals as well as fish and flying things, the black bear have fallen onto hard times due to bad investments, outsourcing, lack of leadership and a gradual departure from scrupulous survival instincts that have served them well for the millenniums. 

     “Sounds a lot like the current human quagmire,” said Brooine.

     “Besides garbage and cars, ski areas and mountain golf resorts have mercilessly killed traditional habitat leaving the animals reliant on the gov’ment,” added Brooine. “Think of all the money diverted into already deep pockets on these endeavors, and it’s easy to see why the bear are where they are, at least in a financial sense.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Night history, political science classes offered

Finally! Adult American history classes. Find out what they didn’t tell you about the US in school and become a real patriot for it. Coursework covers slavery, genocide, labor wars, racial immigration, causes for the Mexican and Civil Wars, Reconstruction, Robber Barons, Jim Crow and Malcolm X. 

For more write Uncle Scam, Box 19865, Rifle. Pry your knowledge and comprehension out of the dark ages. Register at the Multi-Events Center at the Cathedral of the Perennially Stunned today!

The Reading of the US Constitution 

Where recent immigrants read these documents aloud

to United States natives who have not read same.

(Ha Ha! Listen to their funny accents).

June 29 *Complete roster of professional baseball statistics from

1869 to present relayed in a clever chronological format…

July 5- 6 *Mad Hatter Machiavellian  

July 8 Karl Marx rebuttal of Ayn Rand

July 9-10 Ayn Rand rebuttal of Karl Marx

July 10 Comparison and Analysis of European and Colonial

head-butting philosophies since 1634.

July 15 Out-of-Market matches negated.

(Summer break)

July 20 Riveting Detours Live in Concert  – AI or just anal?

Closed Circuit Only…Extra Credit Premium

This fall: Weekly readings at your local Communist Health Food Co-op.

Sorry: No more scholarships until 2030.

-compiled by Katie Wompus

Sage Grouse Surrender

(Gunnison) The last remnants of the 101st Mobile Sage Grouse battalion, that has operated near Parlin for centuries, has surrendered to a group of environmentalists here. According to unreliable sources the capitulation took place just after dawn yesterday.

     Citing increased publicity regarding their plight the birds agreed that they could no longer hold out.

     “There have been over 300 stories about the endangered status of our species,” said one hen. “Well I’m here to tell you that we still exist, despite all the obsession about our well being. It’s a privacy thing. You journalists wouldn’t understand,” she said.

     After being taken into custody, the birds are expected to be housed in makeshift camps along Tomichi Creek until suitable homes can be located. In addition, animal behaviorists, living amid the flock, will be able to tabulate mating habits and social norms in an attempt to preserve the species for future generations to enjoy.

     As the curtain went down on the camps last night another crisis appeared to be averted as it was determined that the grouse preferred pretzels to potato chips and that flying around in cramped spaces was becoming a hassle.

     “OK so we’re here,” continued the hen, “the least we can do is make the best of it. These people need to lighten up, get a smile on their beaks and enjoy life. Species, like empires, come and go. What’s important is to keep your feathers straight while you’re here.”

     “I feel a lot better knowing the sage grouse are safe what with all those lynx and wolves running around,” said one county commissioner. “Now if we could get the cows to work on the highways we’d be in high cotton.”

– Fred Zeppelin  

The United States is the only nation with more civilian guns than people, with about 120 guns for every 100 Americans,