All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Video Channels to Shorten Versions

(Hollywood — Diversionary Enterprises Beat – December 4, 2015)

Leading music video networks will begin presenting video highlights of popular music videos instead of the entire video. The producers of musical programs, including MTV sadly say they are customizing the presentations due to decreased attention span of the American public.

“The normal viewing time for the present music video is about 3 minutes,” explained Oh Pi Bass, Itinerant Head of Underground Suburban Records here. “Most people nowadays can’t concentrate on so much as two lines much less a storyline.”

The idea is to shorten the video to 15 seconds with just the right beat and enough bump and grind to hold the attention of a pineapple or summer squash.

“We just show a flash of skin, a close-up of some sleazy rockers in front of a wild crowd and wait by the cash register,” said Bass.

Already the drugstore country music networks have begun abbreviating its branded programming. Some of the smaller stations even take a short segment or lyric and present it void of any imagery.

“It’s kind of like radio,” he said.

– Susi Burr-Banke

Dinner at Joe’s in DC

Happy Holidays. My family at dinner at Joe’s in Washington DC. Great food and company.

No Accident Roto-Rooter Ad Seen on Obituary Page

(Montrose, CO — Our Frightening Universe — November 25, 2015)

A seemingly innocuous ad that appeared in today’s Montrose Daily Press could be a coded message to outer space aliens operating in the Uncompahgre Valley.
The advertisement in question for Roto Rooter services which appeared at the bottom of the regular Obituary Page may have far reaching significance for the future of human life on the planet.

Although concern remains at the preliminary stages some analysts insist the message is quite clear: An invasion is slated for the serious shopping days of December!

Aliens like these may be placing plumbing ads in local papers prior to an all-out invasion of earth.

While most cool heads prefer to ignore the development as accidental or simply a coincidence a growing number of citizens has come forward complaining of alien intrusions in their daily lives.

“I couldn’t find my car after a shopping trip downtown and I’m almost sure that those creatures (extraterrestrials) moved it,” said Enya Tiremount. “Who else could it have been? I had the keys right here in my purse!”

“There have been marks on my lawn since October,” echoed Marchal Cherubinoff, of Pea Green. “At first I thought the cows had done it but now I’m not so sure. There was somebody sneaking around in my front yard late last night but the dogs didn’t make a peep. When I got up to see about the commotion, I thought I saw a spaceship lift off but it could have been the neighbor’s Christmas lights.”

According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, chairman of the Zodiac-Celestial School of Dance at Cal Polygamy Institute in Paonia, the specifically placed Roto Rooter ad was no chance incident.

“These extraterrestrials are quite sophisticated a hiding their memorandums from the public eye,” he stressed. “They sneak around placing thinly veiled, coded instructions in the most unlikely places throughout our infrastructures and disrupt our trusted cultural sources. They even relay their plans in our native language so as not to be discovered. Some appear disguised as actual Roto Rooter technicians. The make a mockery of our traditions. And they are too cheap to buy an proper ad.”

“I figure if I look at the obituary page and I’m not on it, it’s gonna be a good day all things considered,” laughed the trite Pennywhistle, “but this is an entirely different relationship to appraise. What could they be talking about? Have we finally pissed off the rest of the cosmos? What is he connection between Roto-Rooter and mortality?”

More on this as it unfolds. – Fred Zeppelin

Bear Turned Away at Prominent Spa

(Ouray, Colorado–Bruin Beat–November 16, 2015)

The Wiesbaden Spa is in hot water today after turning away a mother Black Bear and two cubs that had traveled an estimated ten miles on foot to soak in the luxurious hot springs and break into the trash dumpsters. Many animal rights people as well as local authorities are still steaming over the incident.

According to front desk personnel the bears arrived at around dusk to the delight of patrons thrilled to see these monsters up close. After bee lining it to the trash dumpsters (They’d visited before) they wandered to a side door and pushed it open.

“They were nice enough. But they didn’t have any money. They didn’t have towels. They didn’t even have swimming apparel,” said Dianne Workman, of the spa. “However they weren’t smokers, so I figured I’d let them use the outdoor pool for an hour. Then, as I shoed a cub away from the granola bars, the mother got testy, and I decided to throw them out.”

Not real happy. Mother bear (pictured above) and two cubs (across the street up in an apple tree at time of photo) were booted out of the Wiesbaden lobby Sunday after attempting to schmooze their way into the vapor cave and pool.

That proved to be a bigger feat than one might think. The cubs started wailing and the mother moved toward the vapor cave, intent on having her way. Then, as if on cue, the three retired to the dumpster which they began rocking back and forth with synchronized alacrity. Workman, not one to create further chaos, called the police who apprehended the animals without a net.

“We hate to be restrictive where guests are concerned,” said Linda Mentor, owner of the Wiesbaden, “but if we let one bear family in we’d have to let them all in.” – Melvin O’Toole

An Expensive and Immoral Charade

with Big Hat Earl MacAdoo
(Warshington Wringer  —  November 11, 2015)

Democracy Lite

A circus atmosphere permeates the hallways here as Democrats and Republicans hit the campaign trail instead of staying in Washington and undressing the nation’s pressing dilemmas. It’s the same old suits stroking their fortunes, belting out distracting and irrelevant rhetoric while many American families are living a much different life.

Is that how it’s always been and how it always will be? Lets get a handle on these outrageous social expenditures like welfare and social security. Just a little fudging here and a little robbery there and we could afford to build three new bombers a month.

Now I’m not saying the proposed Aisle Wall, to be built between the Democrats and Republicans sometime in March, is a bad idea. I’m just wondering what the price tag might demand. We need a wall along the Mexican border and between Alaska and Russia and along the Mason-Dixon Line too! Nebraska wants to build one to keep out Colorado pot. Utah has the blueprint for a Tsunami-proof lake affect wall like the one the Little Dutch Boy plugged. Monsatan Corporation wants to build a wall around its agricultural killing fields. I want a wall to keep my goat herder neighbors out of my pumpkin patch.

When you begin to build your own wall be sure not to leave a crawl space at the bottom. Vermin can transform themselves like rats into soft, flat creatures and easily outflank your ramparts and breastworks. Mine has a dandy little coin-operated gate that allows my wealthier friends access while restricting the Great Unwashed.

Moses Horowitz de facto leader

Former SS Cook Subject to Cross-Examination

A alleged SS cookbook author and feared camp cook will testify before the House Trays and Beans Committee tomorrow over allegations that wrote propaganda for the Third Reich in the 1940s.

Horowitz, or Howard, (a marginalized stage name) has operated with so many aliases that no one knows his given name or if he ever had one. He is expected to be charged with compliance with, conspiracy in , and accessory to violent silliness while employed at the now defunct Curly Prison. The defendant  allegedly hit prisoners in the face with wrenches, pinched their noses with pliers and hit them with pipes and baseball bats at the privately run for profit calaboose over in Maryland.

In addition, the cook (who was going by the name Moe at press time), a man named Larry and the shuffling prison warden and namesake, Curly repeatedly engaged in punitive behavior including poking convicts in the eyes, violent slapping, pulling (boxing) ears and smashing their toes with hammers.

The House Committee has viewed virtually every Three Stooges film as part of the extensive fact-fining mission aimed at determining guilt in this sad affair.

Readers may recall that the earlier Stooges movies often served as inspiration and fodder for the Federal Reserve System, established back in 1913 but reaching its apex during the Great Depression.

Congress Cast Out

Chattering of Perfect Teeth Observed

The entire United States Congress, was sent away early this morning after it was determined that they were not doing anything to help the nation. The former lawmakers will be replaced by a small duck.

The current conflict came to a head Saturday when it was discovered hat none of the Senators and Representatives could pass proposed background checks for the purchase of a gun.

According to questionable sources the politicos will no longer receive retirement pensions, paychecks, health care or limo rides. Each will receive five acres, a mule and a cheap suit.

As the sun began to set on the Capitol Dome an estimated 525 former big shots could be seen scurrying across the Anacostia River, a lobbyist under each arm.

Election Victory for the People!

Congratulations to the people of Myanmar! Faces in the crowd at Myanmar’s NLD election victory November 9, 2015 10:47AM ET Supporters of Aung San Suu Kyi celebrate the opposition party’s historic win.