All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Gunnison “Pretty Cold” Last Night
(Gunnison) Weather factions hold up somewhere inside here in their woolies, confirm that Gunnison was “pretty cold” last night. Although the exact temperature was never confirmed, unreliable sources at Main and Tomichi say levels dropped well below others state wide. Conflicting reports, filed by rogue weather forecasters in fur hats tagged the temperatures as “damn cold”.
The problem monitoring weather in the Gunnison Valley has something to do with the critical measuring apparatus freezing and therefore not giving an accurate testimony to the chill.
“At least the wind doesn’t blow that much,” said one life long resident, “and the summers are heavenly. Plus, when it gets this cold the little temperature machine on the bank freezes so we don’t have that frigid reminder to contend with each morning,” she bbrrrred. (December 27, 2015)
Bethlehem Innkeepers Still Jerks
(Jerusalem — Tel Aviv-Gaza Evening Post — December 21, 2015)
We arrived at Quo Vadis International at around midday on a hot desert afternoon and waited an hour for a rickety bus to the tiny village of Bethlehem. All around us stood Israeli soldiers armed to the teeth geared up for who knew what.
It was mid-week during the slow tourist season in the Holy Land and subsequently we had made no lodging arrangements. With the legacy of rude innkeepers on our Biblical minds we boarded the bus and headed out toward the evening’s destination.
In about 40 minutes the bus pulled up to a nice enough adobe-type hotel on the outskirts of Bethlehem. Several Americans departed to inquire about lodging for the night. The bus driver was more than happy to wait knowing we would return in no time. He smirked. The innkeeper apologized but insisted she had no rooms even though there were no people in the lobby and no cars in the massive parking lot. We traveled further.
The next potential oasis was the center of the village itself. The bus driver giggled and pulled over to the side of the road. This time to hotel was outwardly obnoxious. The clerk there ridiculed us for not making reservations beforehand, muttering something in broken Arabic as he slammed the shutters and turned off the welcome light.
We were quickly back in out seats and rolling down the highway again.
One fellow traveler, from Marseille scoffed at the rude behavior saying these hoteliers had inherited their bad attitude from Roman times when the accommodation charade first began.
“On my last trip here,” he began, “ I solicited ten hotels before retiring to a vacant barn on the outskirts of Bethlehem. We then decided to dispense with all the tomfoolery and follow suit. Unfortunately upon our arrival it became clear that someone else had beaten us to the punch.
A young family with a newborn had taken over the digs. The three were surrounded by some hastily arranged livestock and some strange looking royals from another planet They appeared to be preparing some nomadic dinner. We found a place in the corner and dropped our gear.
“Hey Joe, are there any decent restaurants around here,” I asked the father figure who sat by the slowly dying embers in the shadowed regions of the old barn.
(Continued on page 66)
December Features
Holiday Cookies Even the Dog Won’t Eat
But a Hot Oven Keeps the Whole House Toasty!
by Codger Bacon
in Culinary Quirks and Quibbles
Dinosaur Extinction Linked to Holiday Cheer
Burning the Candle at Most Ends
with Sir Otis of Liver
In Temporary Lifestyles
Breaking Down Emotional Chorals for Christmas
What can you do when the cows come?
with Dr. Efram Pennywhistle BFD, LSMFT
In Fleeting Mental Health
New Proof Surfaces:
Santa Not An American
Probably a Russian spy says former CIA operative
by Fred Zeppelin
in Zenith Celebrity Watch
Aggressive shoplifting for your Holiday Table
It couldn’t be easier and more fun!
by Small Mouth Bess
In Getting Started’s the Hardest Part
Plus extended postulates to eat, drink, fall from, roll in and be frightened to face.
Pick up your copy where you have your putter remounted
A Bad Dream Fulfilled
As you all know our beloved Broncos’ offense took a powder, and little else, in a disastrous loss to the barely there Oakland Raiders Sunday. I realize that it is just a game and all really stupid but I was disappointed and offended by the masquerade that took place most every time the Broncos had the ball.
Please, Gary have them throw the ball down (the field) before we throw up. The constipated offensive scheme is not working. Where was the offensive line? How many dropped passes. How many fumbled punts?
For the offense: a most poorly coached and played game in front of God and fans. The second half effort should be filmed and marketed as a sleep aid for insomniacs. For the talented defense: another spoonful of frustration and fatigue.
Many of us discovered on the high school gridiron that launching the ball way the hell down the filed opens up options for the running game. Duh.
How do you expect to compete with Pittsburgh next weekend?
Closing quips: RAIDERS ASK FANS TO CEASE AND DESIST
Gothic-Pro Wrestler mentality does not help the team says ghost of Al Davis: “I may have been in need of a shampoo but you people “are fecking freaks of nature”
Senior Toole Approaching Tierra del Fuego
(El Bolson, Argentina Hielo y Mas Hielo December 9, 2015)
Former high wire great and often arrogant daredevil, Melvin Toole, is reportedly within 400 km, roughly 250 miles, of South America’s southern termination point at Tierra del Fuego.
The oft-thought foolish Toole, 96, as almost everyone knows by now, is orchestrating the world’s longest, as well as the highest altitude hot air balloon journey. Leaving from Dead Horse, Alaska in May he has successfully traversed the Rockies and a good chunk of the Andes on his windy sojourn. He hopes to set a slew of records which this newspaper will undress when he lands.
Due in part to a hasty departure supplies began running short before the balloon was really off he ground.
- Aerial photo of the ground (somewhere in Patagonia) from 38,000 feet
“We ran out of water somewhere over eastern Montana,” explained the pilot. “Hey, I was pretty exited. This is my first solo (flight). I’ll pay closer attention next time.”
If there is a next time Toole says he will confine his take-offs and landings to vacant lots, golf corpses and waste dumps preferring to stay a little closer to home.
“It’s the running that gets to me,” he said. “The takeoff requires that I achieve a minimal ground speed before I leap. My knees are shot and I don’t have the torque I had when I was 80.”
When asked in a grounded interview why he would risk his life, forego creature comforts and expose himself to the elements it such a stark manner he smiled.
“The adventure of it – firmly entrenched in our popular culture! The quest to conquer! The thrill of taming the wilderness! The view, plus Im bored watering the garden and chopping firewood. That’s pretty much all they’d let me do around this assisted living prison.”
- Large crowds, comprised of adoring females, have formed to cheer Toole in his balloon.
Then one day Toole jumped in his 1939 Studebaker Champion and whisked to the local Balloon World where he bought the largest and brightest balloon they had on the lot. The gear came with a five minute instruction video that was in Italian.
The dashing aviator/pilot, wearing little more than a Calais scarf and storm Bergenstocks, escaped from Happy Face Rest Home in April and avoided the authorities until he launched himself in May.
“I want to swim with the seals and dine with the penguins,” he nodded. “but I’m getting ahead of myself here since I haven’t really landed yet.”
– Paula Parvenue
Video Channels to Shorten Versions
(Hollywood — Diversionary Enterprises Beat – December 4, 2015)
Leading music video networks will begin presenting video highlights of popular music videos instead of the entire video. The producers of musical programs, including MTV sadly say they are customizing the presentations due to decreased attention span of the American public.
“The normal viewing time for the present music video is about 3 minutes,” explained Oh Pi Bass, Itinerant Head of Underground Suburban Records here. “Most people nowadays can’t concentrate on so much as two lines much less a storyline.”
The idea is to shorten the video to 15 seconds with just the right beat and enough bump and grind to hold the attention of a pineapple or summer squash.
“We just show a flash of skin, a close-up of some sleazy rockers in front of a wild crowd and wait by the cash register,” said Bass.
Already the drugstore country music networks have begun abbreviating its branded programming. Some of the smaller stations even take a short segment or lyric and present it void of any imagery.
“It’s kind of like radio,” he said.
– Susi Burr-Banke
