All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Best Breakfast in Medellin, Colombia – Feb 8, 2016
Breakfast at Restaurante Brisas de la 70 in Bario Estadio, Medellin, is a cacophony of gourmet scrambled egss, perfect beans and rice, chilled guava juice, the ever-present arepa with cheese and the best picante in Colombia.* Excellent service compliments of (left to right) Daniel Stiven Gomez Gomez, Marcela Gomez Bolivar and Lina Gomez Bolivar. Toole of the Andes Photo Service
Property Values Linked to Pizza Delivery Options
(Suburbs Without Cities Report – Montrose, CO – Feb 4, 2016
The Bored of Realtors in this swank, yet congested burgh have concluded that the most potent variable determining property appraisal is the existence of pizza delivery in the vicinity. The fluctuating prices of new homes strongly parallel pizza delivery radius (PDR) and stark realizations as to real value and equity follow suit.
“People in the loop who count on prompt, efficient and uninterrupted delivery of hot pizza right to their door stand to turn a much more substantial profit when it comes time to sell their property,” said Evelyn Clothe-Diaspora, of Stinking Desert Homes.
“We have always known the market was soft in these parts with either a crisp or thin crust, depending on how you slice it.”
Anonymous sources within the profession had little more to say since most were busy at local maternity wards. Readers may recall a 1996 ruling that allows idle realtors to earn a few dollars delivering babies. Lawyers, legal drug cartels and insurance companies (many owned by flush doctors) forced physicians out of the baby business the year before.
Properties with proximity to fast food dives will continue to fall do to aroma pollution, rising crime and the presence of calculated diabetics in the neighborhood.
– Merv Ditchwater
Rockies Give Castro a Look
(Blake Street Tropical — January 26, 2016)
The further adventures of the Colorado Rockies pitching staff will now include former Cuban hurler and President Fidel Castro. The national League team plans to work out the aged pitcher during the Spring Training.
Thought washed up by even his most loyal fans on the island of Cuba, Castro has made resurgence of late, competing with some of the best players in Cuba while turning in impressive stats. In his younger years Castro made a historic choice between law school and baseball then settled for dictator.
Now retired, he wants to play ball again. With the new diplomacy blossoming between the US and Cuba he should not face immigration issues or find himself hounded by the ugly shadows of defection.
“If his legs hold out I think he’s got a few innings left,” said a Rockies scout. “We’re not expecting him to steal a lot of bases or cover centerfield, just to throw strikes.”
An imposing figure on the mound for decades on his island nation, Castro has years of effective intimidation under his belt. Whether he will wear a regulation team uniform or his more familiar fatigues will be up to league officials who are monitoring the event with great interest.
Castro is expected to workout for the Rockies in February at an unnamed facility at an undisclosed date. Large crowds are expected. Tryouts for the Colorado Rockies relief staff will then begin in March. Normal protocol will be observed: Woman and children first.
Several other teams, including the Dodgers and Royals have opened a dialogue with Castro and his agent Gabriel Marquez of Colombia. Marquez, a famous novelist, hopes to settle his client and land a scouting position in the Barranquilla before Carnival.
If Castro makes the cut he will skip the Minors due to his advanced age.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Written Language May Have Existed As Early As 1955
(Santa Barbara, CA — January 19, 2016)
Brittle tablets discovered in the backseat of a Mercury Montclair convertible here have forced scientists to rethink current theories regarding the origin of a written language in the Western Hemisphere.
The “ancient” tablets , generously endowed with duck-tail hieroglyphics and emblazoned with a stark Big Chief Mark of the Ages were signed, perhaps by a tribal chieftain or medicine man say anthropologists.
“The halting signatures all match and after through examination the littles form the name Little Richard,”said Dr. Norman Normal of Cal Amari’s quasi-astute Department of Small Talk and Meaningless Rants. “We do not know any more at this time.
One of the more interesting pictographs etched onto the dashboard of the Mercury depicts the tumultuous relationship between a supposed king, named Ward and his queen named June. The two are up and down in love but both could, it seems, write a compound sentence and were familiar with diphthongs and primitive innuendo.
“The most startling drawing exposes the two with several male off-spring monkeying with a hood latch of some kind of transportation device. Ward is instructing. He is smiling. He has fixed the problem like always,” cried Normal. “What else could this mean?”
Scientists are at odds as to any further literal translation of this Little Richard’s grim forecast for the auto industry although many feel it is a warning that a corpulent and wasteful society would rise and fall “before the generic automobile would reign…this time for 400 years.”
“What else could it mean?” echoed Normal.
The remaining six tablets turn away from mechanics altogether, preoccupied with Tutti-Frutti, believed to be the Lesser Goddess of the Automatic Choke and Patron of Worthless Glove Compartment Manuals.
– Gabby Haze
Boulder Snubbed on Mao Statue Transfer
China had decided not to sell a giant Mao statue to The People’s Republic Boulder (with respect to the late Ed Quillen) due to the preponderance of Free Tibet bumper stickers displayed in the city. “These people have been brainwashed by the capitalist system,” said a government source, “but at least most of the population there can find Tibet or he Himalayas on a map of the world. I’ll give them that.” As most of our readers already know the statue has since been destroyed since it did not have the approval of the rulers of the world’s most populous nation. “A Boulder resident said it best: “We’ve pissed off China.” (Boxer Photo)
Lavish Landfill Lacks Little
(Montrose, CO — Trash and Refuse Review — January 19, 2016)
The vital Montrose County Landfill is slated to expand operations and don a new face for 2016. The facility, endearingly called the dump by its devoted clientele will now be indoors, well lighted and computerized.
The concept of a trash dome is not a new one to the landfill industry although it may be the first time many progressive elements have been employed.
“Everyone knows that the bird is the word,” chimed in one particularly tattered employee, referencing the popular 1964 classic by The Trashmen
Proponents acknowledge the cost and impact on the litter-friendly community but insist that it is the only way to keep the climate constant. Most people agree that the best dumps are those that are not windy, dusty or muddy.
The dome is designed so as to control the spread of flies by denying the bothersome insects hiding places and breeding spots that are plentiful in the open-air variety.
Becoming the first lighted 24-hour trash facility was not easy. First the county had to apply for a federal all-night license. Then there were the access fees paid to the city and the paperwork that had to be filed with the state. Happily, persistence, logic and a strong battle plan won out over a drooping bureaucracy and physical laws governing gravity and lunar intrusions.
The lights are left on by the second shift then turned off by the people that show up at 7 am to monitor the facility in daylight hours. That’s when they count the piles. Everyone knows that storage of the garbage is foremost in the blueprint and the county plans to keep cost down and overruns to a minimum by keeping precise records of what is dumped each day.
The computer system, paid for by taxpayers, runs between $300,000 and $400,000 but one of the developers of the idea has a brother-in-law in Grand Junction that can get it for 10% off. It can effectively scan a load of debris and categorize its content instantly, leaving landfill attendants free to drive around on their dozers all day.
A shopping mall, at the north entrance of the dump, complete with fast food courts and games for the kids, could be completed as early as next spring when a Grand Opening is slated.
Commemorative glassware emblazed with “Old Garbage Men Fly Longer”, “I
Love the Landfill and “I’d Rather be Dumping” are already for sale at John’s Flea and Fly at the south exit next to the cellular store and Erma’s Coiffures. The popular “Life is a Heap” T-shirts, that sold out in ten minutes last week are available exclusively through the San Juan Horseshoe, a local paper that has declared itself, among other things as “official newspaper of the Montrose County Landfill Project.”
– Mercy Plaine
