All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Lemmings Flip House Seats – Many Injured

(Venison, CO) A catastrophe of immense proportions is still unfolding near here this morning after first responders failed to locate survivors at a scene of mindless destruction. While the loss of lemming life is deplorable, the political ramifications may benefit certain fringe parties. The robotic demise, sad or successful depending on your attachment to local lemmings, is not surprising given the nature of the beast.

 This fuzzy report comes on the heels of Center for Disease Control findings that laughter is deemed an essential service. Rated directly between liquor and gasoline, giggles, snickers, guffaws and crackups fit comfortably into this hallowed classification. If confusion persists, or you want to know more about the poor lemmings, call your gov’ment.

-Marigold Tilapia

“And then the pasty-faced bastard said that Sophia Loren had been (and was still) fat. That’s when I boxed him in the gob. No, I am not sorry.” 

– Conor Sturgeon in Buren of the Dolomites

Expanded NBA Play-Offs to be held outdoors

Kids have done it for decades. In rough neighborhoods from The Bronx to Baltimore to East Los Angeles, they play basketball. Now National Basketball Association stars will compete in high anxiety matchups on blacktop courts and back lots in some of the nation’s more challenging, yet stimulating neighborhoods.

In what is called Spread the Wealth America, the innovative plan expects to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars where it is needed the most. Players, broadcasters, advertisers, league officials and the feds are all on board with the outdoor games that culminate in May.*

“Imagine the top players in the NBA banging the boards and stuffing it in naked rims just like the kids in the hood,” said Efram Pennywhistle Jr., a self-described “philanthropic point guard for commerce” who has raised a bundle as Millionaire players and fans bond with disadvantaged kids.

“Our advertisers are drooling at the prospect of presenting their brand as kind, caring and cutting edge,” smiled Pennywhistle. “I remember when it was fashionable for many corporations to practice institutional racism but those days are over, at least on the surface.”

In a related piece the National League has voted unanimously to abandon the traditional dugout during this and all future pandemics. Saying that the close proximity of players is unhealthy, the Major League entity did not say when the dugouts would reopen. Over in the Junior Circuit, where many view the keystone diggins’ as bomb shelters, there has been no word on this potentially consequential mater.             – Dolores Alegre 

*exact date unknown due to Covid-19 truncations

China authorizes coast guard to fire on Covid-19 virus

(Shanghai) The Chinese military has been given the green light to respond to suspected viruses in coastal waters today. Top brass here confirmed that missiles, torpedoes and artillery would be employed if foreign viruses breech the territorial waters of China.

Despite the reality that these zones are ever-changing and always disputed the development ads more fuel to the fire that has scorched diplomatic attempts at any solution since the 80s.

Meanwhile neighboring nations, such as Vietnam, have had far more success in dealing with Covid-19. China, along with the US, clearly botched early efforts to control the disease. Within the established culture of untruths and both countries have suffered the most when, according to leading health experts, the gruesome impact might have been diminished.

With many leaders the impulse to lie overwhelms the logic of telling the truth from the beginning. It is learned behavior and works very well as people from both Superpowers drift further and further into ignorance and lethargy.

Next Time: Our simulated economy could be overheating but will it melt Wall Street glaciers?

Dall Moon Welcomes April

Bighorn sheep cluster up and moon motorists north of Ouray yesterday while simultaneously munching on new green that is popping up everywhere!

Lassie “Man in dog suit” says co-star

(Hollywood) The much beloved collie, that played Lassie in the popular TV drama, was actually not a dog at all, but a man in a dog suit, according to the show’s co-star, known only as Billy.

The clever fur disguise, which fooled millions of children back in the Fifties, was, according to the fugitive child star, a creation of a studio prop contingent that has  mysteriously disappeared over the years. Despite a string of investigations their fate remains unclear. Relatives petitioned the police to continue the investigation into the strange disappearances but it was officially closed in 1973, the smell of foul play lingering in the air.

Billy has been under the protection of the federal gov’ment following testimony against Communist infiltrators in the infant TV industry. Many of the alleged un-American targets were later blacklisted. Accusations that cartoons were not real and that Black Beauty was actually a gelding all but overhauled early TV, and set precedent as to content for the next decade.

“If the forces of anarchy get a hold of Billy, now 60, it could be a blood bath,” said one television policeman. “We’re just proud of him for having the guts to tell the truth.”

– Rocky Flats    

buttload: (obsolete, Britain, West Country) A regional English measure of capacity of a heavy cart (a butt), containing 6 seams, or 48 bushels, equivalent to 384 gallons.

THE COOMEEN WELL

“Indeed it is rare for an Irishman to tell a story. About as rare as the sky meeting the sea.”

– Judith Garibaldi O’Toole, St Patrick’s Day 1923.

Michael was a wealthy young man, a favorite of the village and the faeries since birth when the blessings of the ancient gods were visible to the Tuatha De Danann. Even the Druids took notice of someone out of their realm for a change, consistently nodding their stark approval. When his father passed back in January he was intercepted after the funeral by several of the elders. Did Da talk of the well, lad, or did he plan to take the secret to his grave?

“I know nothing of the well,” smiled Michael. “Da never spoke of it. He took me there once but would not let me look down it. He said unfriendly spirits dwelt there and that was all. “Stay clear!” he had said. He dropped a small spittoon down the well to further dissuade any future embarkations on my part. We listened hard for it to hit. Then we went to the pub.”

Soon Michael began thinking about the Coomeen Well. Why were these men so concerned, almost frightened?

“Some say it is enchanted and that the faeries will push a mortal down into the dark shaft just for the fun of hearing him hit bottom,” he told his sister Maureen, who was having none of it. “I’ll be passing the well this afternoon. Can I bring you anything?”

“Bring back some sense if you can,” she ripped. “since you don’t seem to have much of it.”

Michael laughed her off saying “I am a favorite” protected from the banshee and even the troll under the bridge. “The wee people love me and no harm can befall a favorite of the leprechauns. My life is blessed.”

He walked home that afternoon along the bogs and the east estuary where he turned down a steep path toward the well. It was quiet and starting to rain when he began to smell the seaweed, the primrose, and the mossy rock that went on forever, across the beach, then darted up over emerald hills through eyebright and blackthorn. He was there…at their wicked well. All appeared quite peaceful.

“Who goes there?” said a low voice from in the ground

“It is Michael, a friend to the Danann.”

“We have no friends. Go away.”

“I will not. I am a favorite of the Danann.”

The little man was red-faced, freckled and stuck in the well just a few feet from the surface. He appeared exhausted. It was clear that he could easily be rescued with a stout pull or two but first he had to make sure whom he was dealing with on this misty afternoon.

“What will you do for me if I pull you up?” asked Michael.

“I don’t need your help,” said the voice in the well. I am happy down here.”

“How is that possible? It is dark, wet and slippery. You must be mad.”

“No I am happy. Come and take a look for yourself.”

‘Michael moved closer, careful to keep some space between himself and the rock chamber.

“I will gladly pull you up sir but what will be my reward?” he asked knowing the wee people could be clever and adept at twisting fantasy into reality.

“Gold! All of you humans would sell your souls for a pound of gold. I shall make you a rich man this very day.”

Michael moved to the circle of rock that crested the shaft and looked down into the darkness.

“But I am already rich. Nonetheless I shall rescue you and you will give me gold to make me even richer.”

“That’s right,” said the voice from the well.”

Michael’s grave near Castletown-Bearhaven

Michael reached down to pull the man up and found himself swiftly yanked into the well, falling and falling to the sound of laughter. He was jerked so smoothly and violently that his boots remained on the ground, transfixed. Next to them, according to the lies and truth, was his father’s spittoon crammed full of gold coins The magic treasure soon surfaced at the pub, growing lighter by the hour, with the remainder of the loot going to the poor.

No one on in Castletown-Bearhaven ever saw Michael again. Every so often a loved one carefully throws flowers down the well, thinking of the young man and his harrowing departure.

Only a small sign on the well memorializes “a favorite of the faeries”. It reads: Niether a bhrú ná a tharraingt má tá tú lán buicéad that translates as Neither push or pull if your bucket is full.

Others watch the well from up high – sometimes wrapped in the coat of a lamb, caked with sand or even in the dress of Cliodhna…Intruders are pushed into the well by the faeries more than we realize. The pucas in the dark prefer to torment England’s idle rich and tourists from America bragging on their Irish roots.

– Leopold Bloom