All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
’98 class reunion canceled
(Gunnison) A reunion of the class of 1898 has been canceled since all potential participants are no longer among the living. After repeated attempts to contact persons believed to have attended Gunnison High School during that period the organizers have given up.
“All we had to go on was a tattered list and a few songs and myths that have survived over the decades,” said one exhausted volunteer. “Although they had a written language and a slew of newspapers back in those days the information we sought was remote at best.”
Persons who might have graduated in 1898 would most likely have been born around 1880 which would make them 140 years old today.
“We found a few people in their early 100s but nobody any older,” said the same source. “It was a good idea in concept but in reality it fell quite short of the goal.”
The group has now focused on creating a class reunion for persons attending Gunnison High School from 1940-1970.
“We’ve found lots of these people still kicking around and have talked to many about attending our function,” said the volunteer. “The 1898 reunion would have been rather slow anyway. Sure, people are living longer these days but we were pushing the issue.”
“Still as the moon at Sligo or mad as monkeys in Bahia, satire is a delicate blend of knowledge accrued mixed with whatever you can create from thin air.”
– Uncle Pahgre, in Writing Stupid.
Toilet Paper Giants Slated to Meet
(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.
Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by April.
Bank Backpedals on Popular Giveaway
(Manana) The Who’s on First National Bank will refrain from offering first-time customers cannabis products along with free checking and banking by mail it was disclosed today.
The ultra-popular program, a brainchild of pot entrepreneurs sensitive to fiscal blacklisting and financial harassment by the feds, sought to present marijuana is a more favorable light.
Bank offers expanding premiums no more
“We didn’t encourage anyone to light up in the lobby or operate motor vehicles under the influence,” said a former vice president who was “removed from his managerial position” by corporate bosses who live in backwater states where cannabis is still illegal.
In Colorado pot is as legal as the day is long,” said an attorney representing “elements” associated with the lending institution. “It’s also highly educational.”
Customers will have until the weekend to take advantage of the give-away with an assortment of edibles and teas. At exactly 5 pm a massive bonfire will be conducted in the parking lot so as to further comply with directives from up above.
A spokesman at the governor’s office laughed off the confrontation saying, ”As far as we know the substance is legal here and the bank has every right to give premiums away to its customers at its discretion.”
-Gabby Haze
Picnic News
Humans engaged in the tradition of outdoor picnicking this summer are warned to be on the lookout for illegal Ecuadoran monkeys making off with their goods. Unattended baskets, drinks, even cutlery are often the target of hungry, roving primates looking for easy prey.
And if the monkeys aren’t enough, the ant population has been busy massing for a final assault on outdoor eaters. The little insects are persistent and unafraid often making the feast a tedious experience with their constant crawling and snatching of edibles, especially sweets. The best way to avoid these creatures is to keep everything sufficiently covered and out of their path until dinner time.
Maybe a visiting relative can be put in charge of security. They can stand watch and perform other simple tasks as well even if they are from the flatlands. In addition, researchers have found that relatives are easier digested out of doors than in the confines of the family home.
Have a great time out there with potato salad and watermelon but always remember that the outdoors can present dangers unknown in the kitchen. Just ask the Cahone man who severed two fingers trying to open a plastic mustard jar up at Never Sink.
-Lourdes Parvenu
“One should never fall in love but rise to the occasion.” – Nancy Griffith
Driving privileges on Hwy 550 regulated by first ever state lottery
The Colorado Surname Alphabetic Highway Lottery has been implemented any day now due to motoring chaos on the antiquated byway of Highway 550, that runs from Montrose south to Bernalillo, New Mexico.
Persons wishing to use the road must do so only on the day stipulated by the first letter of their surname. At present names that start with A-F will be permitted on the highway while G-K will have to wait until Tuesday. Names beginning with letter L-P are looking at Wednesday travel and names that start with Q-S can drive on Thursday. Friday will see a smaller contingent of drivers whose names begin with T-Z.
Weekend jaunts will be determined by letters too but registered by the time of the day. For example, if one’s name begin with A-F he will have to travel between 7am and 9am while a special raffle will limit the T-Z grouping to 6 pm – 8 pm. Two-way drives and return trips will follow these guidelines as well. Hyphenated names and persons using aliases should ask their insurance provider before venturing out on their own.
CDOT computers on Confront Range, often determine traffic flow and illogical passing zones with no discernible geographic familiarity. Most, like so many from east of the Divide, never make it past Salida. Tourists, leagues of working persons and a burgeoning population of new denizens rely on the skinny road to get from place to place. Local residents in pursuit of services, not always available to them in their smaller burghs, join the parade, bringing about further consequences minus solutions.
“Even though it appears to be an intrusion of personal rights, state highway experts insist that in time it will create a much more pleasant experience for all motorists and fewer accidents and fatalities,” said Grendle Grasse, of CDOT and sponsors within the Western Slope salvage industry.
“It has come to this,” she added promising that the “sweepstakes” will run through Labor Day.
Of particular concern are speed traps at Dexter Creek and the Poor Farm, and the four-lane stretch along Colona’s skyline. Curves east of Eldridge and along the Uncompahgre northwest of Spud Hill.
“Many of our summer visitors are city dwellers used to four-lane roads,” added the above source. “They have trouble with our hick highways often becoming frustrated and making bad decisions. People are generally ass holes when they get behind the wheel so we must tailor our route to accommodate anti-social behavior and recreational vehicles too.”
A winter break in the action on Red Mountain Pass
“Used to be just Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank that presented classic fears but now it’s the whole shooting’ match,” barked one commuter who drives from Whitewater to Telluride five days a week for work.
Expanded law enforcement squads will be issuing summonses to anyone illegally driving on days other than his designated day. This includes bicycles and RVs but not horses or gelded and self-contained ORVs.
Persons who do not know their last names or have yet to master the alphabet can verify their status at one of the many checkpoints riveting the mountains and mesas of Region Zen. Bring your checkbook.
Sadly, many of the same persons who refuse to be vaccinated against Covid say they will not adhere to the restrictions in that it intrudes into their personal freedom.
Meanwhile rants emanating from the State House could be heard all the way to Silverton.
“Hey, it’s our damn highway and we’ll do what we want on or near it. If we can condemn land, reroute traffic, blow up canyons, lay meth chloride and patch spring chuckholes with black toothpaste then we can surely reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who is acting inappropriately —driving when it isn’t his day to drive.” said a canned statement in reference to priority criticism regarding the construction in Blue Creek Canyon in Gunnison County.
-Tommy Middlefinger
