All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
UAE Pilgrims Procure Plot on Mars
(Utopia Basin) Astronauts from the United Arab Emirates have reportedly raised that nation’s flag on a small strip of Martian land about the size of Manhattan Island. The property, purchased for some trinkets and 30 pieces of silver, runs from Isidis Basin through volcanoes, craters and mounds of red dust to Hellas Basin in the Southern Highlands.
Despite the perceived absence of fresh water in the Martian ecosystem early arrivals hope that salt water may be present.
“Our acquisition offers protection from dust storms and a very good harbor from which to continue our exploration and dominate weaker alien life,” said Conor Sturgeon, who spent 2 months orbiting the Red Planet late last year. “My virgin flight that was suppose to cover the 300 million miles in several weeks stretched into ten times that amount leaving me with nothing to eat but frozen tamales and Grape Tang.”
“Boredom was my biggest enemy. I counted stars. I watched John Wayne movies. I missed my dog terribly. I read everything I could get my thumbs on. Reading is a challenge in weightlessness. You just put the book down for a moment and it’s gone. It’s tough enough to locate books in English in the backcountry of South America. Try finding English titles in outer space?” he said. “It’s next to impossible.”
The first UAE spacecraft reached the Martian orbit last month marking the first time a Middle Eastern country staked out a scientific presence in the region. The primary mission was to study the planet’s atmosphere and climate but the space crew couldn’t pass up the rock bottom cost of real estate, reminiscent of America’s Rust Belt in the 80s.
“We’re looking at putting up 7000 condos over at Noachis Terra on our next voyage,” said one astronaut, “and the construction of a state-of-the-art performance center to be christened Chryse Planitia in honor of Venetian soap opera star and love goddess who choked to death on a pastrami sandwich in 2018.
The earthlings await tons of survival equipment that is expected to make its descent on Friday (Saturday on Mars). The cargo includes daily requirements of freeze-dried guilt laced with fear-based philosophies, plastic water bottles and life-ending weaponry.
– Syd Fahrdt
Carbon Footprints Suggest Homeless Had No Shoes in 5000 BC
(Sandlfoote, CO) Impressions of what appear to be post-Neanderthal feet have led scientists here to believe that early Homo Sapiens too were hard-pressed securing food, surviving freezing caves and avoiding predators to worry much about their .
“Actually we have yet to determine exactly who was homeless and who was simply en route or wandering around looking for dinner,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Fellow at Cal Polygamy. “Maybe shoes had not been invented yet which would certainly throw off our DNA test cases. Animal skins that work well to cover the legs and torso are of little use on the feet since they are clumsy and offer little shelf life do to harsh planetary surfaces,” he explained. “And what about the proverbial gatherers?”
The footprint samples collected, stretching from Finland to Gibraltar, number in the thousands and scientists are scurrying to chronicle movements and label superstitions in an attempt to provide this meaningless information to progressive cobblers and generations to come.
Many eons later the only group to possess shoes appears to be churchmen of the day. The shoes were an integral part in their wading through the multitude of holidays that they subsequently stole from the pagans, tweaked a bit, and established as the Christian holidays we know today. Then came the Dark Ages with the loss of freedom and the embrace of the inherent goodness of man.
“They even stole ancient gods and goddesses and changed them into their formula saints and the like,” said Pennywhistle. This was expedient and often much cheaper than establishing new religious icons of their own.”
Whether these “early junior executives” of the Vatican Corporation had shoes is as yet inconclusive.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“When the tree falls the monkeys will scatter.“ – Chinese saying from House of Xiao, 1816. Metaphorically referring to institutions, families, governments, good and bad.
THE SLOPE DOPE
By Estelle Marmotbreath
“If bingo required any reading comprehension
I would be home on Tuesday nights too.”
“It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.” Lauren Boebert tracking indicates that cooler heads have prevailed within the sinking GOP bass boat here in the Rockies. A plot to remove her is already emerging: A serious looking blueprint rolled around three Havana cigars was found under a fermenting mulberry tree in western Garfield County detailing the planned coup. It does not give a date. Detractors say she sleeps with her pistol and they must take care to act only when she is awake.
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Cranberry Saucers held in contempt in a well-documented turkey caper are expected to be indicted tomorrow unless it snows. They are accused of detaining over 400 turkeys in November and December in hopes of selling them on an already overstuffed black market. Other counts against the saucers include littering, overcooking and betrayal of a person of trust.
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Local taxpayers are warned that chain tax preparation jobs are now often outsourced to India and the Philippines. If one brings his forms and receipts to what CPAs call “television tax preparers” there is a good chance the final return will have been prepared overseas. Although the forms are completed in English it is often difficult to ask questions and the payment up front policies are unnerving. Audits are a nightmare in that preparers in Asia are not likely to respond to IRS queries.
“Most of the time the IRS is in such a hurry to cash your check that it rarely examines returns anyway,” said a spokesman for One, Two Three Four – Buckle My Shoe Tax Agencies.
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Need help paying your liquor bill during the pandemic? Call us. We can help.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouldn’t even be on the snack committee for the local peewee soccer league.” – Arizona Central
McConnell in advanced stage of soft shell disease
(Turtle Cove) Former Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with advanced soft shell disease it was disclosed today. The infirmity, while not clearly visible to others, gradually eats away at the conscience causing the victim to lose all sense of honor and clarity.
Many suggest that the health issues are behind McConnell’s agreement to share power with Democrats on Covid legislation.
Persons close to McConnell told reporters that episodes of spinelessness and attempts to distance himself from a monster he helped create were symptoms of soft-shell disease and that McConnell cannot be held accountable for his actions. They further stated that the GOP had kept “this shell thing” quiet since 2018.
“If he had faced the health care options of most Americans he would probably be dead,” said one angry voter who has lost several family members to Covid-19.
“Petty holdups in Congress go a long way to suggest that wealthy elected officials don’t really give a damn about how many people are dying from Covid,” stressed the voter who wished to remain anonymous. “They are fine. Their money is fine. This legislation is one year late. Twelve months of doing almost nothing. Trump had no plan and apparently Congress did not either.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
“What am I doing? Well, I’m lookin’ to fall in with the wrong sort. How about you?”
– Melvin B. Toole, from Date Night in Rifle, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Anglers over 80 must undergo tagging in 2021
(Taylor Canyon) Elderly fisherman must submit to stage one tagging if they seek the plateau of legality in cold-water pursuits this year. The labeling, promoted as a cost-saving inventory, is in actuality an attempt to keep from losing people on the banks.
“We love it that these charming old farts are out there catching fish,” said Ernestina Perch of the Colorado Dorsal League, the entity responsible for safe tagging. “The tagging is only a precaution. It allows us to monitor movements of the tagged and facilitate pinpoint searches if someone wanders off.
Most of these seniors lose sensitivity in their earlobes long before anything else goes according to Perch.
“It’s no more than simple vaccine, except that instead of a shot the unsuspecting quarry suffers a small incision in the fleshy part of the ear,” she smiled. “The slight sting is similar to the pinch of a staple gun and often stops bleeding within hours.”
All Colorado trawlers and casters should expect to be tagged before 2025. An in-home tagging kit is expected to be available by snagging season. Advocates of the program are pretty exited about the possible results.
“For now you should do nothing,” flipped Perch.
Next Time: “Do Fish Cry?”
Ice Fishermen Glimpse Rare One-legged Iola Mackinaw
(Venison, CO) Although quite relaxing and lucrative, ice fishing in the frigid air and winter sun requires serious preparation. But no one was prepared for what they saw at Blue Mesa last Tuesday.
At about noon, just as the ice was sweating and the sky was calm a long-thought extinct one-legged mackinaw (unos tripodes tructos) was viewed bobbing in the shallow water at the east end of the lake. Pursued by anglers in boats and along the shore, the mackinaw emerged again in the river then disappeared into the deep inlet leaving fishermen holding their hooks.
Biologists think this rare lake trout evolved as an amphibian in the harsh climate of Gunnison County. Notice the stiff posture and limited leg capacity thought to have developed due to social ties and the presence of hungry raptors in the region.
“We’ve seen the magnificent gifts of nature materialize out of thin air before,” said Treble Bagre, an avid fisherman and outdoorsman, “but this was really special. “Now every time I put my auger to the ice I’ll be wondering who or what I might meet next.”
Why this particular species evolved in such a wasteful way is still a mystery. As most people know fish do not generally have proper legs since they don’t need them to get around. The appearance of healthy one-legged mackinaw sent shock waves through the local cold-blooded vertebrate community and left fishermen wondering what else might reside in the frozen depths of Blue Mesa.
“The creature seemed intent on diving in the river and got on pretty well despite suffering from what looked like a slight limp,” added Bagre. I only saw it for an instant. It was gray-blue in color, bigger than my pickup and had eyes on both sides of its head. I thought I’d met Moby Dick!”
State biologists, while not discounting the sighting, say the fish probably migrated from over to Colorado in so many streams and creeks from the Green River in Utah, where one-legged fish are more plentiful. They were quick to point out that fish don’t limp.
“There was enough meat on that plankton muncher to feed Hinsdale County for Fourth of July Weekend,” said Bagre. Our challenge would be to haul that monster across the raging Cebolla without it repatriating.”
Woodsmen are warned no to confuse the one-legged Makinaw with other hairless and less gimpy fish like perch and pike that frequent these waters. – Conor Sturgeon
“How sad it is to think of the multitudes who have gone to their graves in this beautiful island and never knew there was a hell.” – Mark Twain on the horrors facing the pagan population of Hawaii, 1866.
