All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Speaker Toole Takes Mulligan For Remainder of 2021

Veteran after-dinner speaker Melvin Bedwetter Toole has been banned from the Top Hat Speaker Circuit it was disclosed today. Critics say that in 45 years and after over 200 engagements Toole never spoke one word. According to several depositions and other criminal complaints “he just drank, ate, drank and disappeared. Once, in Moline, he even threatened a Hessian doorman who sought to block his exit.

A former aerialist, Toole often performed high-wire stunts without a net during cocktails then clammed up after desert. He has clearly been “given wide berth” over the past few years since many people feel sorry for him and others just want him to go away. Most of our readers know he was raised by forest Democrats – doomed as a ragged wolf boy until missionaries rescued him at 8.

“Perhaps that it why he so ardently welcomes reintroduction of gray wolves to Western Colorado,” said one police official in Minneapolis who claims Toole grazed for thirds at a recent buffet then stiffed the benevolent association by escaping in a laundry hamper when no one was looking.

– Gabby Haze

“Just figure you’re being lied to.”      – Gaar Potter, former reality television personality and advertising executive, on industry standards.

Colorado weather “Just too nice” say neighboring states

(Laramie WY) States bordering Colorado are up in arms over what they say are fraudulent weather patterns encouraged down in Colorado. Included in a hastily prepared class action suit are accusations of entrapment, extortion, water grabs and illegal baiting.

Oklahoma, Kansas, Wyoming and Nebraska are named as plaintiffs with Texas and Louisiana expected on board within hours, even though these two domains do not physically touch the Centennial State.

The suit demands that Colorado “stop hoarding the sun and use the alpine climate sparingly so that others may participate in the celebration of life.”

“We hate seeing skier sitting out on so many decks catching rays in the snow while we’re freezing in our horrid winters,” continued the grievance.

The court action calls for a sharing of natural resources, lucrative cash settlement and an assortment of retroactive damages such as the return of Kiowa County to Kansas and reparations for expenses incurred by law enforcement in the face of illegal cannabis transport.

The suit did not mention the occupation of Slippery Jim Spring by a Rock Springs gun club last month. The seizure of that popular lover’s rendezvous, coupled with the looting of Maybell’s main street art galleries, has left residents here steaming mad.

“Lots of people think Colorado is frozen from November too April but that isn’t true,” said Deb Moniker, of Western Colorado Ski Country “There are pockets and banana belts and Santa Ana winds and lots of sun. There are natural hot springs. A person could play nine holes of golf in the morning at Cedaredge then drive less than two hours up to Silverton and hit the slopes for the afternoon,” she explained.

“It’s just damn nice here 90% of the time,” said April Gunderson of the Montrose Economic Development Consortium. “So what if so many of our young people have to leave in search of viable careers, we’re building houses like mad and we have every chain known to man on South Townsend. If it wasn’t for the occasional cold snap we could almost be classified as Mediterranean.

Although threats of secession and tariffs have subsided in favor of a war of attrition, plaintiffs will find it difficult to harness such a diverse region.

“A siege of towns such as Lake City and Crested Butte could prove futile since invading infantries are caught short of breath, often needing oxygen to continue the assault,” said Gunderson, “and that says nothing of blockading the uncharted miles of irrigation canals and ditches that meander through the near-desert.”

It has long been known that flatlanders resent mountain folk for their sorrels and winter tans, thinking us “oh so special freeloaders living hand to mouth in their elastic bubbles, incapable of comprehending real American weather of the Plains.

Insiders say the entire legal battle is in retribution for the University of Colorado leaving the Big Eight for the Pac-12 years ago and barely-masked jealousy over “immoral marijuana laws that have generated a fortune in the Rockies.

 – Betta “Pickled” Grouper

“You’ve got a heavy pouring’ hand, Maggie”

– Melvin O’Toole to bar maid Margaret Doyle, while enjoying a wee John Powers with his Guinness, Bankers Bar, Trinity Street, Dublin.

Tattoos Upon Tattoos

Fans of indelible body marks and pigment designs were overjoyed today with the news that they might soon exhibit new tattoos over existing tattoos. Called Upcycled Tattoos, these superimposed skin illustrations have been successfully plastered as proxies swathing and masking earlier surrogates.

“It is clear that the image areas on the average human body are limited in scope and size,” explained dermatologist Evelyn Grouper, who began testing the new technology back in 2010.

Tattoo can be defined as an evening drum or bugle, calling soldiers back to their quarters. The British extended the term to include displays of military personnel but that is not the kind of tattoo we want to talk about or even why we are here in this cutting edge capacity today.

Grouper warns that professional attention is imperative in the process of adding tattoos to this permanent modus operandi.

“Hey, in the skin game everybody runs out of room sooner or later. That said, one must work within the proper ink jurisdiction or the second coat could feel chalky and create another layer of unwanted texture,” schooled Grouper. “We must prime around existing art or risk flaking.”

Idiomatically the word Ta-Tu itself appears to be derived from Tahitian, Tongan and Samoan tongues.

“Familiarity with what can be a tedious process is crucial,” she continued. “We don’t want to cover up a van Gogh with a velvet Elvis here.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Look, I just was simply reaching out to my team.” – NY Governor Andrew Cuomo, employing corporate jargon in an attempt to save himself from charges of sexual miconduct in a toxic workplace.

WAS GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?

Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.

Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.

The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out here on the prairie.

“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician how has never had gout.

“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”

Confusion reigned then as it does today.

One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…

-Fred Zeppelin

For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.

Lemmings Flip House Seats – Many Injured

(Venison, CO) A catastrophe of immense proportions is still unfolding near here this morning after first responders failed to locate survivors at a scene of mindless destruction. While the loss of lemming life is deplorable, the political ramifications may benefit certain fringe parties. The robotic demise, sad or successful depending on your attachment to local lemmings, is not surprising given the nature of the beast.

 This fuzzy report comes on the heels of Center for Disease Control findings that laughter is deemed an essential service. Rated directly between liquor and gasoline, giggles, snickers, guffaws and crackups fit comfortably into this hallowed classification. If confusion persists, or you want to know more about the poor lemmings, call your gov’ment.

-Marigold Tilapia

“And then the pasty-faced bastard said that Sophia Loren had been (and was still) fat. That’s when I boxed him in the gob. No, I am not sorry.” 

– Conor Sturgeon in Buren of the Dolomites

Expanded NBA Play-Offs to be held outdoors

Kids have done it for decades. In rough neighborhoods from The Bronx to Baltimore to East Los Angeles, they play basketball. Now National Basketball Association stars will compete in high anxiety matchups on blacktop courts and back lots in some of the nation’s more challenging, yet stimulating neighborhoods.

In what is called Spread the Wealth America, the innovative plan expects to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars where it is needed the most. Players, broadcasters, advertisers, league officials and the feds are all on board with the outdoor games that culminate in May.*

“Imagine the top players in the NBA banging the boards and stuffing it in naked rims just like the kids in the hood,” said Efram Pennywhistle Jr., a self-described “philanthropic point guard for commerce” who has raised a bundle as Millionaire players and fans bond with disadvantaged kids.

“Our advertisers are drooling at the prospect of presenting their brand as kind, caring and cutting edge,” smiled Pennywhistle. “I remember when it was fashionable for many corporations to practice institutional racism but those days are over, at least on the surface.”

In a related piece the National League has voted unanimously to abandon the traditional dugout during this and all future pandemics. Saying that the close proximity of players is unhealthy, the Major League entity did not say when the dugouts would reopen. Over in the Junior Circuit, where many view the keystone diggins’ as bomb shelters, there has been no word on this potentially consequential mater.             – Dolores Alegre 

*exact date unknown due to Covid-19 truncations