All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

One National Forest is Enough, Trump-O-Mattic Congress Concurs

(Washington) Sources within the Tycoon Administration confirmed rumors that it is making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Western Colorado or Utah.

     Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be used to produce weaponry. Then, after the picnic tables and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated to strategic hamlets, the pseudo neocons can get on with the business of “natural resource management.”

     The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, which include Vice President Junior Vance and others who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for bags of gold, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.

     “Maybe we’ll just turn entire states into parks,” said one MAGA boy. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” he said. “If it’s Colorado we’ll just cut all federal funding. We’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the federal highways are already going to seed so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing, too much access or plowing them under for the rural effect.”

     Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America (formerly deported)  may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”

     “I just don’t see a problem,” offered a Trump enthusiast. “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls already up and running. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and Orange Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2029,” said the spokesman. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”

     A plan is already in the works that would show repetitious footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.

     Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary component. Proponents say that does not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.

     “Then our allies can come in and mop up just like they’re doing all over the planet. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to the mindless pursuits of survival. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a Constitutional amendment to stretch the current clown show dynasty into 16 years instead of 12”  

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Local Brothels Step Up to Bat in Affordable Housing

(Manana) Local bordellos have joined in the struggle for “affordable housing” by dropping hourly and all-night tariffs in many locales. The discounts, which are reportedly in effect until tourist season mark the first time the sex industry has jumped onboard to help relieve pressure of the well-healed homeless and other fiscal refugees in Western Colorado.

It was not clear which bawdy houses were all-in on the plan which was described as symbiotic by local officials who have begged ignorance as to the existence of these pleasure parlors in their rigid, god-fearing image of the region.

Employee housing and other ongoing fiascos could be considered in the controversial move, leading several towns to turn their collective heads on the morality of the developments.

“Sometimes demand dictates bedfellows, strange or not,” said one town manager.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Planets Set to Collide

(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival. Evacuation plans are ludicrous at this juncture.

     “We apologize for the vagueness and inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”

     Meanwhile an official government statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.

     “Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”

Manuel Flushe

Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People

(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.

     The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings.

     Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era.

     According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but heartless too.”

     For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of barn vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.

     “The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.

     The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.

– Gregory Rasputin Jr.

SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES

(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day.

     Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.

     Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.

     “We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”

     In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.

     “The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said Efram T .Bagge from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here, the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”

     When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are made in China, the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.

     In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show,  Governor Abagail Spamburger told reporters that “blaming the infirmed for health care woes was like blaming cats for litter boxes. But it’s high time we identified the jive in the system,” she said. “How can our lovely state, named for a long-deceased virgin queen now be shamelessly promoted as a place for lovers.”

     Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds if elected for a second term.

     Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the much sought after canine vote in the coming campaigns.

     “Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common sense?”

– Tommy Middlefinger   

Colorado poised to lose billions in foreign tourist dollars this summer

Tourism from Europe and countries all over the world appears to be in big trouble in 2026. Sure, we still have the traditional credit card wielding southern visitors and the weekenders from the Front Range passing through. And yes, the second home owners are still here, but an international, generally pleasant, often affluent sector of Colorado’s tourism is being diluted if not gone altogether due to fear of Immigration police and ICE thugs.

“These people have read about the arrogance and incompetence of federal officials who would rather send someone to a holding facility than whistle dixie,” said a reliable source in the Minnesota mayor’s office.

“They have read about murders committed by Nuevo Nazis and raids on the homes of aliens and US citizens alike,” piped another travel agency web designer whose grandparents survived the occupation of France in the 1940s. “Many Europeans undoubtedly remember other hostile regimes and the reluctance of their parents and grandparents to cross those borders for necessities, business and especially pleasure.”

Although xenophobia has been globally persistent for centuries and still exists today, the most lethal and festering example might have occurred during the period up to and during World War II when foreign visitors ran the risk of being detained and harassed if not just held in contempt by a brainwashed provincials and oafish constables.

Accessible figures on tourist dollars flowing into Germany dropped significantly 1933- 1945 and Japan more drastic (even in the midst of victorious autocracy) figures emerged. Tourist visits and other telltale data in Italy remained solvent, with El Douche and his buddies claiming prisoners in concentration camps on official guest rolls. Spending in conquered countries circumvented previous figures in places like Mongolia, Ethiopia, Poland, Greece and North Africa even before Adolf Hitler’s birthday in 1931. Russia has relied little on foreign tourism but even that sad statistic it hit an all-time low during the Stalin dictatorship.

“It’s simple enough, “ continued the second source: People don’t like to go on vacation where totalitarianism reigns and freedoms are being whittled away like a twig from a once mighty oak under a sharp blade. It makes them nervous.”

Source: I earned my MBA in tourism in night school – Pea Green Academy Curriculum: Cash register comfort/credit card manipulation, how to handle a rare cash payment for worthless souvenirs/How to deflect senior discount requests/intimidation with dogs and stories about bear attacks…The stance at the cash register. Parade rest, feet firmly on level surface / leaning on canes, walls, lame conversation to make your daily goal/taxation without clarification – taking liberties with the IRS.

Meanwhile WSUC in Gunnison expects to offer a Master’s Degree in sports micro-management this autumn. With a focus on adverb use and the inherent power of silence through the joys of dead air. Flank the critics with this popular and timely degree! Talk to your life coach today!

Apology: We mistakenly headlined a recent story: Scallops become prawns in Japanese tiff with China. The headline should have said Scallops become pawns…We are sorry if anyone was hurt by our insensitive reports on this matter.

MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED

(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in historically problematic ski towns say experts.

     This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits food architecture. These structural implications amid the pressures of the accepted pecking order could breakdown positive barriers and leave food cold.

     The cost of certification is $350 per year (upgrades include Wyoming and Utah for an extra $50). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 300.

     “We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.

     “We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.

     They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.

  – Wolfgang Putz 

Zombie Outreach alcanza la meta de $100,000

(Bland Valley) La recaudación de fondos semestral de Zombie Outreach ha superado su meta y continuará interviniendo en incidentes relacionados con zombis en el noroeste de Colorado.

El dinero recaudado cada año ayuda a sufragar los costos de terapia y cirugías de reasignación para que los zombis regresen de dondequiera que hayan ido. También ayuda a pagar el alquiler y los servicios públicos de zombis desempleados y discapacitados.

Los organizadores de este evento filantrópico agradecen a todos los participantes. Todos podemos dormir más tranquilos sabiendo que muchos zombis ya no andan por las calles.

–Gustavo Sangres