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Mob Offers Collection Seminar

(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to bill collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be presented by visiting gangsters as part of Mafia Ski Week scheduled for the last week in January in 2023. Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation, destruction of property and garnishment.

The carefully chosen panel features some 200 years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining. 

“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.

The multi-layered approach to debits and balance sheets, although often extreme, has been documented to be 98% effective according to shadow groups engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.

“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”

Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for Evangelical Naked Skiing and controversial Flea Ski programs that have failed to produce needed revenue for the town” according to unreliable sources on the Mountain. 

The concentrated program costs $150. Interested parties are encouraged to pay up front. Lunch will be served.

– Susie Compost

“She also spoke to the baby in French. She was well educated, and those kind of people speak French to their babies.”  – art museum guard to Allisandro in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Bake sale to save the environment

(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!

American Cheese Slice Survives 100 Years

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties at the Croatian Club on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some a nominal cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers are comfortable consuming foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese could last 100 years,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture. 

According to the undisclosed maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like the fare here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else for dinner.”

– Jolly Pena

“Maybe a convoy is going to come together in Algeciras (and) spend the winter in Africa, the hot sun on your bony little pagan arses. Lovely.”  – Charlie Redmond in Night Boat to Tangiers by Kevin Barry

Armies Must Fight Naked Says UN

(New York) In an attempt to solidify its waning authority, the United Nations today passed a resolution banning armies in uniform from engaging in aggressive actions against others. While admitting that the proclamation is only a start, delegates agreed that it is, at least in theory, a step toward world peace.

The concept, in short, states that armies who do not wear uniforms will not be able to readily identify the enemy and therefore will vacate the battlefield. Sadly, it is estimated that many warring parties in Africa and Asia already have forsaken uniforms or in most cases never had them to begin with due to rampant poverty.

Critics of the UN disclosure say the body is not going far enough in condemning war and that they have not factored weather and ancient tribal tradition into the formula. Many abstaining delegates say they hope the resolution will be taken seriously in that it would provide quite a spectacle in light of longtime hostilities in places like Zimbabwe and Colombia.  

“This may work well on the border of Ukraine and Russia but not in more tropical climates,” said one Swedish source. “Isn’t it clear why we are always neutral?”

– Tommy Middlefinger

A SPRIG OF GREEN

Famine boats, the rain, the Queen, 

Baltimore and Skibbereen

Sailing far away from Clare

has clearly blurred me thinkin’ 

When we got to Yankeeland 

they shoved a gun into our hands.

Saying Paddy you must go 

and fight for Lincoln.”

               New York, July, 1861

Sales of Ukrainian flags surge as Archangels reportedly seen in Kiev

(Warsaw) People all over the globe are clamoring for Ukrainian blue and yellow flags, representing the country they firmly support in its defense against Putin’s sociopathic attacks on her people.

Sales are off charts and the flags can already be seen draped and hung from Switzerland to  Singapore. PUTIN HAS BECOME TOXIC reads one headline  Russia a   

In a virtual scene that some associate with Scripture people have reported seeing a band of Archangels fighting alongside Ukrainian troops. These sightings have yet to be confirmed by sources inside Ukraine.

Meanwhile brainwashed supporters of the war don red MRGA caps and confront demonstrators in Moscow. Police have arrested thousands of anti-Putin Russians sine the war began on Thursday. 

In the us Putin supporters have been quiet. Are they finally ashamed of their behavior and their paper demagogues?

For more oil this please turn to God Sanctions Lucifer and the Dark Angels threatening two turn the newly formed nation of Hell into a pariah state for the ages.