All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Colorado poised to lose billions in foreign tourist dollars this summer
Tourism from Europe and countries all over the world appears to be in big trouble in 2026. Sure, we still have the traditional credit card wielding southern visitors and the weekenders from the Front Range passing through. And yes, the second home owners are still here, but an international, generally pleasant, often affluent sector of Colorado’s tourism is being diluted if not gone altogether due to fear of Immigration police and ICE thugs.
“These people have read about the arrogance and incompetence of federal officials who would rather send someone to a holding facility than whistle dixie,” said a reliable source in the Minnesota mayor’s office.
“They have read about murders committed by Nuevo Nazis and raids on the homes of aliens and US citizens alike,” piped another travel agency web designer whose grandparents survived the occupation of France in the 1940s. “Many Europeans undoubtedly remember other hostile regimes and the reluctance of their parents and grandparents to cross those borders for necessities, business and especially pleasure.”
Although xenophobia has been globally persistent for centuries and still exists today, the most lethal and festering example might have occurred during the period up to and during World War II when foreign visitors ran the risk of being detained and harassed if not just held in contempt by a brainwashed provincials and oafish constables.
Accessible figures on tourist dollars flowing into Germany dropped significantly 1933- 1945 and Japan more drastic (even in the midst of victorious autocracy) figures emerged. Tourist visits and other telltale data in Italy remained solvent, with El Douche and his buddies claiming prisoners in concentration camps on official guest rolls. Spending in conquered countries circumvented previous figures in places like Mongolia, Ethiopia, Poland, Greece and North Africa even before Adolf Hitler’s birthday in 1931. Russia has relied little on foreign tourism but even that sad statistic it hit an all-time low during the Stalin dictatorship.
“It’s simple enough, “ continued the second source: People don’t like to go on vacation where totalitarianism reigns and freedoms are being whittled away like a twig from a once mighty oak under a sharp blade. It makes them nervous.”
Source: I earned my MBA in tourism in night school – Pea Green Academy Curriculum: Cash register comfort/credit card manipulation, how to handle a rare cash payment for worthless souvenirs/How to deflect senior discount requests/intimidation with dogs and stories about bear attacks…The stance at the cash register. Parade rest, feet firmly on level surface / leaning on canes, walls, lame conversation to make your daily goal/taxation without clarification – taking liberties with the IRS.
Meanwhile WSUC in Gunnison expects to offer a Master’s Degree in sports micro-management this autumn. With a focus on adverb use and the inherent power of silence through the joys of dead air. Flank the critics with this popular and timely degree! Talk to your life coach today!
Apology: We mistakenly headlined a recent story: Scallops become prawns in Japanese tiff with China. The headline should have said Scallops become pawns…We are sorry if anyone was hurt by our insensitive reports on this matter.
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in historically problematic ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits food architecture. These structural implications amid the pressures of the accepted pecking order could breakdown positive barriers and leave food cold.
The cost of certification is $350 per year (upgrades include Wyoming and Utah for an extra $50). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 300.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.
– Wolfgang Putz
Zombie Outreach alcanza la meta de $100,000
(Bland Valley) La recaudación de fondos semestral de Zombie Outreach ha superado su meta y continuará interviniendo en incidentes relacionados con zombis en el noroeste de Colorado.
El dinero recaudado cada año ayuda a sufragar los costos de terapia y cirugías de reasignación para que los zombis regresen de dondequiera que hayan ido. También ayuda a pagar el alquiler y los servicios públicos de zombis desempleados y discapacitados.
Los organizadores de este evento filantrópico agradecen a todos los participantes. Todos podemos dormir más tranquilos sabiendo que muchos zombis ya no andan por las calles.
–Gustavo Sangres
Blue Mesa Mermaids Tough Lot
(Gunnison) The local year-round mermaid population is composed of some “rough and ready gals” according to boatmen and nautical observers here. Not only do they co-exist, eluding bothersome fishermen and hungry Mackinaw, but they handily survive the brutal winters on these stark, windy shores.
Unlike the more “wimpy species” that inhabit the Ridgway Reservoir, Lake San Cristobal and Miramonte the Blue Mesa Mermaids exist in a tightly controlled symbiotic society where group survival is paramount.
The aquatic humanoid sirens of the sea do exist, although are generally salt water creatures according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration . How this colony of fresh water mermaids evolved is a mystery still unsolved.
The expanding colony has been part of the ecosystem since 1966 when the dam project was completed. Mermaids here refrain from eating meat, staying up late and cavorting with humans, especially the male variety.
“These ladies don’t even socialize with the fish much less talk to men,” said a marine biologist on loan from the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory in nearby Gothic. “Despite what may appear to constitute a major frustration in the onset, most mermaids say thy live simpler lives without social entanglements.
“Most men are hopeless bores interested only in the kitchen and the bedroom,” said Sarah Finne, a human who has lived with the mermaids for 20 years. “These ladies rarely produce offspring so the colony relies on recruits from other groups and an occasional human. The transformation is a tedious process and most times it ends in disaster. I have lived here for two decades and I am just now beginning to grow a tail and breath properly.”
Finne went on to say that most initial recruits are women who are searching for adventure and those rebounding from failed romantic endeavors. Many have had surface relationships and deep water realities do not always coincide. Due in part to survival instincts and and a keen sense of social order, the majority of these recruits don’t make it past the first swim.
Local women are agin reminded that post-snagging season is the most opportune time to approach the Blue Mesa Colony.
“One can view the mermaids lounging on the shore after the hunters have gone home,” said Finne. Sessions run full or half days. I suggest warm clothing and an open mind.”
– Popeye Manatee
Artificial Intelligence
Be careful what you wish for
The other day I had to be taught how to open a newly acquired umbrella here in my cloud forest winter home. I had hardly ever used one, in fact had rarely even seen one since I’ve spent the majority of my life in the parched highlands of Western Colorado.
This inability to embrace and comprehend new technology will stand as exhibit one if anyone out there wishes to analyze the level of my cognitive processing.
Hey, I’m open to change when it is beneficial and valid. I do not embrace mindless digital beeping or scanning codes to order my lunch (with built in tipping suggestions to boot) I will not use auto checkouts at the grocery (for even a stalk of celery) since these “time saver” devices are another lunge in the attempts by Big Corp to eliminate jobs. I don’t care about the new McDonald’s menu or how Wal-Mart is saving me money since I have never consumed one or been in one, respectively.
While it may be true that I conduct business with cash and take the slow, back roads to town, I am not against change. Admittedly I don’t get all that excited about indoor plumbing unless it is a particularly cold day, and it is true that I did not sleep for weeks after the National League adopted the designated hitter rule.
Some see these conveniences as progress. I see them as anti-human. Artificial Intelligence arrives at the door in an era when society already offers too much that is artificial.
From my initial investigation AI falls into the much ado about nothing category. Does this allegedly new power dynamic simply duplicate Google or enhance GPS? Does it allow machines to think like people or encourage people to think like machines? I guess in systems analysis and rapid data collection it is a breakthrough but for most people it seems just another intrusion.
AI cannot feel, create, adapt or engage in moral reasoning. It has no heart and no soul. But maybe modern humanity places no value on these faculties.
AI has no scent, so dogs cannot detect it and cats can’t sleep in it on the window sill. Bees can’t pollinate it. Horses can’t eat it and birds can’t target it. We have yet to determine how it is received by fish or lower primates.
It methodically tracks, even stalks us too. Case in point: I told my bank I was going to be out of the country for three months and I wanted to make sure there were no geographic glitches in my debit card use. They told me not to worry “AI knows where you are.”
If there is a god of artificial intelligence he/she must be petitioned now!
Thank goodness satirical writing is reportedly not on the firing line with AI, but will our newly empowered humans be capable of digesting this and other art forms in the near future?
-Fred Zeppelin
Next month: “How I made my first million with AI”
What embarrasses you the most about following pro football?
Results of Horseshoe NFL Survey
11% I gave up on this waste of time years ago
18% incompetent referees
33% self-absorbed idiots dressing like clowns at games
29% semi-illiterate sportscasters who are obsessed with mindless statistics
and do not even comprehend the essence of adverbs.
6% Watching football is a choice. No one is forcing anyone to do so.
2 % They cut off my TV so I don’t know who is doing what to whom.
Bonus question:
If the Broncos are so desperate for tight ends why did they pass on Harold Fanning Jr.?
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