All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
IN DEFENSE OF THE MOUNTAIN LION
by Rex Montaleone and Pauline Parvenu
Now, let’s see…magpies, malls, misappropriations, moon pies, mountain lions…ah…mountain lions…much maligned mountain lions…The proud cats of the Rockies have been the victim of bad press for centuries even carrying a stiff bounty on their heads until recent years. The the adult cat, known as a puma, panther, cougar, catamount or El leon in other parts of the Western Hemisphere may be either a gray color or a reddish or yellowish color called tawny. It’s hairs are fawn-gray tipped with reddish-brown or grayish. He has no spots and in this way is different from his cousin the jaguar. The throat, the insides of the legs and the belly are white, and the tip of the tail is black. Some mountain lions are solid black but they are quite rare in the Southern Rockies.
A full-grown animal may be over five feet long not counting the heavy tail which is usually two to three feet long. The heaviest lion on record weighs in at about 240 pounds. The body is slender and the legs are long. The head is round and rather small. As one can quite well imagine the mountain lion is a formidable foe on physical prowess alone. Combine his high intelligence and sly, methodical nature and any adversary could have a major donnybrook on his hands.
Mountain lions have from one to five cubs at a time which can be very taxing for the female. If a hiker comes across a female lion with cubs the best approach is to wave his arms and make noise. You will then appear larger and more fierce. If this doesn’t work you might try running like hell even though the lion will probably see that as a sign of fear and attack immediately. One good idea is to bring along an ample supply of raw meat in your backpack which could serve as a diversion in a tight spot. Mountain lions are generally timid when in the proximity of man and are less likely to attack than other cats such as the smaller lynx or bobcat.
Although mountain lions go to great lengths to avoid contact with man the population has grown steadily since the animal has been protected. Most Western states have a season on the lions but they are severely restricted. More cats are killed attempting to rustle livestock then are shot during bow and rifle season combined.
The cry of the mountain lion is wild and terrifying. It sounds like a woman screaming in pain. The animal also has a soft whistle call that can be quite unnerving to potential prey. Mountain lions hunt at night. It’s chief prey is deer, followed by elk. On special occasions it kills a bighorn and if hungry enough will feed on small mammals, even skunks and porcupines. The cat generally keeps under cover while stalking its prey then suddenly leaps upon the animal breaking its neck and dragging it to the ground. Unfortunately most herd animals, including domestic ones, don’t have access to all this information or they certainly wouldn’t go out after dark.
Imagine living life as a sheep, in the strictly literal sense. You have just finished grazing on the side of a hill and are set for some shut-eye. The shepherd is already asleep and the moon is full. Off in the distance you hear a shrill cry. The rest of the herd is tense. In the shadows you can see the silhouette of the predator, creeping his way toward your flock. What is he after? Surely the shepherd will protect his sheep. Wait! He’s looking right at you! No, this just can’t be. You’re too young to die plus you’re scheduled for shearing on Monday! Look at those biceps. Oh no. It’s too late. He’s stepped up his pace. His claws are extended. He’s in the air. He’s got you…
How often do you think this bloody scenario occurs over the summer season when the woolies are up high and the mountain lion has expanded its hunting radius? Every night? Once a week? Once a month? Wrong! There are far more sheep killed on the highways than by the proud cats. Everyone, especially the crafty mountain lion knows that elk and venison are way better tasting than mutton. Lions who engage in this kind of roguishness are usually too old to catch anything else and are badly in need of a snack.
The human reaction to mountain lion forays is to mount a hunting party or posse and go out after the lion. This generally results in a lot of senseless wandering around the hills at night with whiskey and loaded rifles. Which lion is to blame for the crime? Can these trackers distinguish between a lion who was home in bed at the time of the infraction and the feline rascal who raided the herd? It’s not likely. Therefore it’s the old solution of an eye for an eye and the only accomplishment is often one less lion and no increased security for the sheep. One of our neighbors placed a series of spotlights around her corrals in an attempt to discourage further onslaughts but the mountain lion in attendance simply used the light to scope out the fattest prize and then dined by simulated candlelight.
Animal behaviorists stop short of suggesting that the mountain lions should police themselves regarding this grave matter. However, that is not a valid approach to the conflict. Many ranchers have employed llamas, dogs and high fences in an attempt to spare sheep a gruesome death but the cats are just to smart and too powerful. The core of the problem is simple enough: sheep look like lunch to mountain lions.*
The cats sometimes kill calves and young horses. The largest variety of mountain lion has been given the scientific tag hippolestes, which translates as horse killer. This is a heartless misconception as more horses die each year of jockey abuse and rattlesnake bites than from lion attacks. Nobody calls the rattlesnake hippolestes. This, like most other things evolving from the human factor, is not fair.**
As the mountain lion population increases so do these scrapes with the law. Efforts to pay the ranchers for losses have not worked. A plan to designate certain low grade sheep and cattle as official mountain lion cuisine has never gotten off the ground nor have the construction of mine fields since sheep are way dumber than most wild predators.
Mountain lions do a lot of good when left to their methods. Many have helped control the poodle population even on redwood decks of the Front Range sprawl. That takes some guts alright! Unlike bears, lions aren’t proficient dumpster divers, unlike coyotes they won’t keep a camper up all night and unlike deer they do not loiter on the highways at dusk and dawn. Probably the most important contribution of the big cat is his inherent wildness. At a point where man is polluting his planet and manufacturing stress upon more stress, the presence of a beast like the mountain lion succeeds in giving us hope. Long after our species (and its livestock allies) has burned itself out, the mountain lion will be prowling these forests looking for a hot meal.
*Despite years of bad publicity there is no conclusive proof that the graceful mountain lion is a threat to livestock, unless of course he is hungry.
**The mountain lion is an extremely social animal and lives in a den with its family, or pride until the young cubs are old enough to hunt for their own food. Actually observing a mountain lion in the wild can be a thrilling experience depending on where you may lie on the food chain.
Trump Blames LA Fires on Alternate Energy
(Mar-a-Lardo) This morning President Trump continued to blame progressives for the destruction in Los Angeles. Repeatedly saying that solar and wind were at fault
“Alternative energy won’t work and has never worked,” he affirmed. “Heat and wind equal fire. Everyone knows that.” he smiled. When it was suggested that Trump was playing politics with lives, he leaned on the late Pee Wee Herman’s response. “I know you are but what am I?”
The discovery of 700,000 year-old fish vomit in Denmark and Trump’s eye on Greenland. What is the link? Are these Danes disloyal too? Is Donald of Orange following Putin’s roadmap with a plan to invade Greenland? Will it b a two pronged attack with the Panama Canal in his sights?
He speaks in sound bites
No content do we hear
Promoting his agenda
With ego, hate and fear.
He communicates in short, quick mistruths with zero content while the Democrats didn’t communicate at all. He gives his supporters hot dogs and tells them those socialist elites are feasting on lobster. The irony here is that many of the people who voted for him will suffer the most.
Can our police be happy with the Presidential pardons of the January 6 murderers? More creeps are now or will be on the street while Donald of Orange talks about law and order. Extra! We will revisit the lowlifes from this development one year from now…January 2026. Stay tuned.
-Uncle Pahgre
A Pinch of Spring – Andalusia in February
If you’re too cheap to turn on the heat then at least close the door. It was chilly here this morning but people are still sitting in the sun sipping coffee and yelling for no good reason. Quickly I discover a throng of old farts here in lovely Arcos de la Frontera methodically watching (as if surprised) the perpetual arrival of another workaday bus from Jerez. They gape in apparent wonder as if the proletariat chariot was a spaceship from Mars. Staring as one as if they have never seen a bus before (12 or more go through their village daily)…Are they expecting the Second Coming?
Spain makes about as much sense as anyhere else, which is not very much.
The day warms and a blend of southern Spain and Africa lies in ambush. Eggs the size of apples, Moorish towers, tiny, winding streets, olives and cheeses, Serrano ham, exceptional breads and deserts, generous pours of brandy and haunting Flamenco. Horse racing on the beach at Sanlucar, futbal and Moroccan hashish in the air all for the price of an typical lunch in any Colorado ski town (without tip).
All is not gold
When bathing in Cordoba, Spain “very be careful” since size is everything you know. Checking in to the exceptional Mezquita Hotel in Cordoba I surveyed a rare treat – a bathtub into which I ensconced my road weary presence. Yes, it was built for an epiphany of tiny kings, not 3 wise men, reveling, knees in the air, in multiple personalities. But after a luxurious soak and a struggle, I realized I was stuck in the tub. The bottom of this once-alluring fettered cistern was also slick as the devil so as to prohibit gravitational efforts at any blueprint for escape. I could not turn in such a way as to remove myself. It was also without politically correct hand rails to leverage an exit from the water. I simply could not eject myself from this tight porcelain cask. Did I feel stupid. No, I blamed the tub. What to do now? After few minutes in the now tepid water I began to yell for help.
After some time had passed the maid knocked on the door to clean the room. I told her to please close her eyes and enter the room. She did so and then called the desk clerk, the maintenance man, an EMP with ropes, two drunks from the bar that claimed to have experience with explosives, the local fire department, a priest and the Civil Guard. When they stopped laughing I was out of the lukewarm drink, wrapped in a sumptuous towel and given a glass of wine. No pictures please.
In the future if I am fortunate enough to find horizontal bathing facilities in my domaine I will bring a measuring tape into the tub with me. But then I will be faced with un-American meters, and maybe even kilos.
Easy Feet to meters conversion
Take # of grandmothers run over in crosswalks in Cadiz, Spain times the average weight of a wharf rat on the Nina and the Pinta in 1493 divided by the years it takes to ferment one barrel of Andalusian sherry, while curing Serrano ham in the window or above the bar. Shake, never stir.
On a sad note: In the interior of this land that so resembles Colorado, many beautiful pueblo blanco communities continue to lose viable population while a whore of mindless tourism wanders the beaches of Costa del Sol, like the ghost of dead kings that were never needed in the first place.
Weekday Exorcisms under $200: Performed by sanctioned Vatican envoy in Ubrique and Bosque, Andalusia.
Drivers of spotless cars will get priority boarding at Heaven’s Gate
(Montrose) Licensed drivers who maintain clean vehicles while on earth could be shepherded into heaven in “an ecclesiastic priority line” if their cars meet stringent cleanliness requirements.
While the faithful will not be allowed to enter paradise with their cars (or guns for that matter) the angels are watching the level of automotive stewardship and compiling dossiers on those deemed worthy of an eternity of bliss.
“Zion, Valhalla or Kingdom Come, no matter how you slice it, provides specific guidelines as to how to champion the spic and span mode, said a gatekeeper. “Some call it an immaculate conception while we see it as pristine and hygienic.”
Almost of us know the promised land reserves the right to withhold or deny services to souls deemed unfit or unrepentant. These folks must run through a car wash or two in places like Purgatory before reapplying for admission to heaven.*
A clean car, according to the heavenly hosts, is one that is washed repeatedly, dried with approved cloth and regularly waxed. Lubricants such as windshield wash and operational fluids must never dip below accepted standards and no trash or scattered tools can be present. Tire pressure and climate control are only considered as a tie-breaker and problems are often overlooked if the transportation is tidy.
Often lambasted for parking restrictions, security personnel remind us of limited parking and a the atrocious system of one-way streets up there.
“Imagine if every soul had a car inside these walls,” said one. “We would all be sitting in traffic for what seems like an eternity. There is no such thing as carte blanche when it comes to witch burnings or inquisitions. We examine every case individually from birth to death. Tips are encouraged.
– Tommy Middlefinger
*Cars are never mentioned in the Christian Bible and only merit remote mention in the Koran and Vedas.
“Quite candidly I see myself as the last person to rely on the introduction of reality to this conversation but fear I must.”
– Fred Zeppelin, speaking to the Canadian Whiskey Symposium.
(Ed note: He was shouted down and caste out of the hall into the new fallen snow.)
Elf Season Expected to have major impact
(Gunnison) The 2025 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the first two-weeks of March. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates this spring.
Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone Good Hunting!
Christmas Planned Again for 2025
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding it appears that consumers will again undergo the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘11. “Now we realize that these kinds of holidays are just as important in an esoteric sense but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“I don’t care how many bags of charcoal or Butterball turkeys go through the checkout stand at the grocery. That figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”
Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2024.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids puts the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Toole added that Christmas ’25 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al K. Hall
