All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
“Thanksgiving in Turkey”
TRAVEL ’25
Continued from in front of you
so that Bob (is that his name?) and I and the kids were pushed down onto the pavement and told to keep our eyes to the ground as the entourage passed by, snaking its way toward Mount Ararat and the grave of the Apostle Paul.
“Hey, mom,” said little Bennie, “says in this brochure that Turkey is larger than Texas. Is that for real?”
“No, stupid, it’s just all that jihad propaganda,” piped sister Beatrice from the pruned position. “Where did you get that brochure anyway?”
“Shut-up bitch,” said little Bennie. “Nobody’s talking to you!”
“Now kids, let’s try to put our hatreds aside. We’re miles from our hotel and not out of this yet,” said Dad. “These people are naturally friendly and engaging. They just have to get to know us. I thought St Paul was buried at Lookout Mountain…you know, with Buffalo Phil or someone.”
Finally, and not without more fanfare the procession passed. The strange men in robes told us to get up and walk to the east and we would find our hotel.
“I wanna see Noah’s Arc,” said Beatrice, “and the ancient city of Troy. What a beat vacation. All my friends in Chicago will laugh at me if they find out I came all the way to Turkey without…”
“Wait, daddy,” I said to my husband, “isn’t that the road to Istanbul, or is it the road to Constantinople? They must sell ottomans there. I just have to have an authentic Turkish ottoman or I’ll just die.”
“What about dinner?” whined Bennie. “We’ve been here three days and I haven’t seen a taco anywhere. Today is Thanksgiving. Where’s the stuffing?”
“Now Bennie,” said my husband, whose name eludes me just now, “this isn’t America. One has to adapt. Sure, all of these rug heads wish they were in America, the land of the free, but they aren’t. They’re marooned here in Asia Minor…have been for centuries. I thought you liked the filberts in barley sauce that mom cooked up last night.”
“I want pizza,” screamed Beatrice much to the chagrin of a large angry crowd that had now gathered, blocking our exit from behind one of a hundred mosques that crowd the cobbled square. “I hate filberts!”
“And where is the football!” demanded little Bennie. “Don’t these wanna be Tartar savages know that it’s Thanksgiving?”
“I hate tartar sauce too,” mumbled Beatrice, “and Kurds and whey…
“Stop!” cried daddy. “Look a fez stand right out here in the middle of nowhere. I think we should all take home a fez as a souvenir from this lovely trip. Say there sahib. How much for four fezzes…is that the proper term? Yeah, four…and don’t try to screw me. I’m an American and I have rights.”
At that he pulled out a U.S. fifty which the man selling the fez hats quickly grabbed and stashed in his robe. He smiled and then let go of the hats.
“Those hats look stupid,” said Beatrice, and for once her little brother agreed. We must have looked quite the sight wandering down those snarled filthy streets, sipping a Raki looking for some familiar signs of home.
“I have to pee,” said Bennie.
“We need to find a halkevi, or house of the people. Surely they will have indoor facilities…
“And cleanliness,” I crisply quipped.
“And a make-up mirror,” added Beatrice.
“And some good old American toilet paper,” smiled Daddy.
“We could ask someone,” I said melodically, swept up in the worldly banter of a man I no longer knew.
“None of these bozos talk American,” said Bennie
“Turkish isn’t so hard to learn,” said Dad as he wagged his finger at a would-be thief. “The Turks borrowed many Arabic and Persian words during the Ottoman Empire, then Kemal Ataturk changed the whole shootin’ match over to the Roman alphabet in 1928.”
“How does he know all that?” whispered Beatrice in my direction.
“Daddy was once a Middle East expert in of the Bush Administrations, dear,” I explained.
“It’s worthless information about a country that prefers figs to cranberry sauce, olives to pumpkin pie…”
“Shhhhh,” Bennie. Here come the mashed potatoes!”
As I looked up I saw thousands of men in the street. There were Turks from Ankara, Turks from Izmir, Turks from Cyprus. All were working together pushing a massive vat of freshly mashed potatoes, thinly veiled in Seljuk mohair, toward the largest of the mosques to the east of the square.
“Wow, dad!” said Bennie.
“Where are all the women?” asked Beatrice.
“Maybe they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Turkey,” I flinched.
“Look, kids. Look! It’s the march of the turkeys,” said Dad. “Look, honey, their coming this way. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday just like I told you. Honey? Honey? Hey, kids, where’s your mother?
“Oh, she was forced into that black Mercedes by two Turkish men who have been following us since yesterday,” said Beatrice.
“What? Forced into a car? gasped Daddy.
“Relax, man she’ll be back for dinner,” said Bennie.
– Luanne Julienne is a free-lance writer who lives in a big house in Connecticut. In addition to writing travel articles she raises amphetamines, which are then sold to collectors in New York
Theologians warn: Time to stock up on canned* gods
In the event of an eruption, disruption or interruption people need to be fortify and equip their fallout bunkers. This preparation must include storing sustenance as well as water, weaponry and comfort items.
For a simple start we highly recommend Zeus in heavy syrup and packs of well-insulated Vishnu moon pies. A little Creamed Venus goes a long way toward keeping the smiles in place Frozen Shiva for desert? Why not, you only reincarnate up to 40 times before Nirvana.
So as to fight repetition, our cooking editors strongly suggest jerked Odin with rum Thor pudding. Wash it down with jellied Neptune and escalloped Poseidon. MMMM-good.
When the weekend comes we rely on old time favorites like parboiled Xango /filet of Guaraci and artisan Pan. Then wrap it all up with Mars and Jupiter salsa and delight in Nazareth Tea.
Read more in depth in your Candomble’ and Santeria Feijao Banana Leaf pamphlet distributed by Aphrodite Helpers. African recipes (mixed with Colonial Catholicism TV dinners) are easily stored at room temperature below ground. Plan well. You could be living down there for eternity.
If this is too silly to read what can we do? Many of our fellows have preferred to stay on the surface of the planet and reload shells and sharpen their harpoons…By comparison we have a president of the United States that even lies about his height…and why, pray tell, is he making Veteran’s Day speeches.
-Pepper Salte
*The term canned does not always interface well since it implies prerecorded/derogatory. See canned laughter.
Cattle Cars Block Gates, Delay Flights
(DFW) Lines of worn out railroad cars, originally designed for livestock, have wrecked havoc at many of the nation’s airports, blocking airplane access, limiting normal passenger boarding procedures and slowing down what has long been a dehumanizing experience. Critics of the industry contend that humans are routinely delivered to departure points by these less than pristine land yachts.
And that says nothing about understaffed and currently unpaid air traffic controllers.
“Hordes of flights have been delayed and some even cancelled,” said consumer protection advocate Abbey Wingseat. Airports have become less and less user friendly and now these persistent traffic jams in front of gates have created an intolerable almost noxious environment for pilots, flight crews baggage personnel and. Lest we forget…passengers who have paid to fly.”
Cattle cars are often backed up across runways making parking of planes a lengthy disaster, especially for those with tight connecting flights. It appears to be a problem only with US carriers. Despite all the slogans and promises these U.S. based airlines have continued their descent.
“How are we supposed to load the increased throng of passengers if we don’t improvise?” Asked Fardt, of of American Airlines. “Sure, people are unhappy with the conditions right now but they will soon forget about the trials of boarding once they are on the plane.”
Spokesman for United Airlines chipped in saying that what goes on on the tarmac stays on the tarmac. She reiterated that most planes reach their destinations safely and without incident., adding that only malcontents find that the use of this bucolic transportation (provided to passengers at no extra charge) dilutes the flying experience, is dirty and causes anxiety.
“We are not livestock,” said one frequent flyer of Southwest. He then promised that his next trip would be by bus. He then broke into a chorus of moos, baaas, low bellows, snorts and grunts, supported by other quasi-stranded travelers, a chorus of the disaffected. Many wonder what happened to what was once a pleasant experience in the air.
“But we offer more leg room,” chimed in the airline source.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Is it more secure to surround oneself with unread books or books that you have read 100 times? What about even once?” – Dolores Alegria
Mercenaries Win World Series
(Toronto) The Los Angeles Mercenaries defeated the Toronto Blue Jays last night 5 – 4 in the 11th inning. A mostly copped squad, the Mercenaries have the largest payroll in baseball. There was a time when the LA franchise had the finest minor league programs in the sport. Now traditional modes have made way for cash.
The absence of an established salary cap in baseball is the culprit here. Until that matter is settled we will watch as the Dodgers along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs and Mets continue to buy instead of develop. The big markets dictate everything including lucrative TV contracts. Meanwhile the fan pays the freight.
Or will these smaller market fans get tired of the imbalances and choose not follow their teams at all? When a backup shortstop makes millions and many workers struggle on $15 per hour the hardball precipice is quaking and shaking, primed for a fall of some magnitude.
2026 would be a splendid time to boycott Major League Baseball until it comes to its collective sense and saves the National Sport from moolah mode. Maybe then salaries might level off and Americans can enjoy more competitive baseball played on level playing fields and not bags of gold and ledger sheets.
-Pepper Salte
US Residents Can Rely on PSC
(Toronto) Imagine the relief in the lower 48 with the announcement that US citizens, legal residents and even undocumented aliens can employ the Canadian version of FEMA called Public Safety Canada to help the prepare for bad weather and even offer premonitory disaster response.
Canada serves its population through collaborative efforts of the Government Operations Centre, several provincial agencies, PSC and a host of NGOs. With the near-dismantling of the US counterpart, FEMA, many in the United States fear for the worse during hurricane season and the effects of climate changes that have arrived angry and extreme over the past decade.
The current leadership down south has all but shattered and shuttered the very effective agency with layoffs, pilfering and lies while extending lucrative tax cuts to the already wealthy. Access to often life-saving information is no longer available or has been severely derailed by reduction of staff and the flight experts he see a fascist future in full regalia.
“Our neighbors are welcome to use weather stats and data as well as emergency disaster forecasts since FEMA has been hobbled by Il Douche,” said Paul Galaski, of PSC. “Preparation is imperative to survival in many cases. Hurricane monitoring (not directly affecting our Commonwealth) has been in place for almost a century. We seek to prevent natural and man-made catastrophes, calamities and debacles wherever they occur.”
The White House has accused Canada of furthering global warming propaganda calling the on its base to decipher fake news from real news with a sip of kool aid news. It further claims that blue states will be given preference from the “left-leaning land” up north. Canadian chat suggests that no one is working at FEMA apart from janitors and an expanded security force to keep nosy citizens away from the formerly functioning facility.
“We will offer a helping hand even to red states such as Texas and Florida to prepare for the worse and build resilience against future events,” said Galaski. Canada will serve as the preventative wheel and not the after-the-storm response.”
Meanwhile the average American is at risk despite the kind offer of brotherhood exhibited herein.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Candles From Canada Circumvents US
(San Juan, Puerto Rico) It began with a series of blackouts, followed by natural disasters and reminders of what second-class citizenship looks like up close. It was Puerto Rico, a territory of the US that has grown tired of paying taxes up north while hurricane relief and social safety nets go south.
Whether to provide light for victims of power outages or simply to make a political point on the hemispheric stage, Candles From Canada has come to the rescue. Candlestick makers from Ontario and Quebec have been shipping all sorts of wax beacons to the oppressed here who often find themselves quite literally in the dark. Despite the seizure of some 4 tons of candles in international waters Friday, grateful islanders say a substantial number of candles has made it through various blockades.
Candles For Caribs, a subsidiary that delves into organic white rums and rip tides, has taken on the colossal chore of distributing the smuggled candles before hurricane season. The Trump Administration has blacklisted CFC as a terrorist cult due in part to a close relationship with the Open Flame, another guerilla group that demands total freedom from the US and represents El Yunque in faint negotiations and prisoner exchanges. This third armed force has been blamed for the Close Cover Before Striking Massacre in 2014.
“Even with efforts to thwart our movements on the high seas we have managed to amas more than 4 million candles or all sizes and colors and hope to trade the excess for beans and rice,” said a spokesman for the governor’s office. “We just want to keep the light flowing.”
In addition to the candles some Canadian companies are handing out overnight kits (made in China) to many refugees stranded in Mexico and Central America. They are in limbo without a toothbrush,” said an organizer. “It must be a frightening experience but no worse than what they may face in El Salvador or Sudan.
The source went on to illuminate the picture saying that most of those deported have never flown before and no little or nothing about aerodynamics, further befuddling any basic comprehension of what is happening around them.
One GOP senator insists that Candles For Canada is a front for communist cells and provides distraction, albeit less than clandestine, to shroud Canada’s plan to seize Puerto Rico, Greenland, the Panama Canal and Alaska.
“How much light do these malcontents need?” she squinted. “Most of their favorite past times are conducted in the dark.”
Meanwhile according to a recent poll conducted at El Apagon Stadium in July, more than 78% of all residents of the island favor joining Canada
“A nice tropical island is something we Canadians have coveted for a long time,” joked the official source who demanded animosity.
-Rory Lyons
