One National Forest is Enough, Trump-O-Mattic Congress Concurs

(Washington) Sources within the Tycoon Administration confirmed rumors that it is making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Western Colorado or Utah.

     Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be used to produce weaponry. Then, after the picnic tables and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated to strategic hamlets, the pseudo neocons can get on with the business of “natural resource management.”

     The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, which include Vice President Junior Vance and others who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for bags of gold, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.

     “Maybe we’ll just turn entire states into parks,” said one MAGA boy. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” he said. “If it’s Colorado we’ll just cut all federal funding. We’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the federal highways are already going to seed so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing, too much access or plowing them under for the rural effect.”

     Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America (formerly deported)  may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”

     “I just don’t see a problem,” offered a Trump enthusiast. “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls already up and running. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and Orange Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2029,” said the spokesman. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”

     A plan is already in the works that would show repetitious footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.

     Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary component. Proponents say that does not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.

     “Then our allies can come in and mop up just like they’re doing all over the planet. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to the mindless pursuits of survival. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a Constitutional amendment to stretch the current clown show dynasty into 16 years instead of 12”  

– Kashmir Horseshoe