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Armies Must Fight Naked Says UN
(New York) In an attempt to solidify its waning authority, the United Nations today passed a resolution banning armies in uniform from engaging in aggressive actions against others. While admitting that the proclamation is only a start, delegates agreed that it is, at least in theory, a step toward world peace.
The concept, in short, states that armies who do not wear uniforms will not be able to readily identify the enemy and therefore will vacate the battlefield. Sadly, it is estimated that many warring parties in Africa and Asia already have forsaken uniforms or in most cases never had them to begin with due to rampant poverty.
Critics of the UN disclosure say the body is not going far enough in condemning war and that they have not factored weather and ancient tribal tradition into the formula. Many abstaining delegates say they hope the resolution will be taken seriously in that it would provide quite a spectacle in light of longtime hostilities in places like Zimbabwe and Colombia.
“This may work well on the border of Ukraine and Russia but not in more tropical climates,” said one Swedish source. “Isn’t it clear why we are always neutral?”
– Tommy Middlefinger
A SPRIG OF GREEN
Famine boats, the rain, the Queen,
Baltimore and Skibbereen
Sailing far away from Clare
has clearly blurred me thinkin’
When we got to Yankeeland
they shoved a gun into our hands.
Saying Paddy you must go
and fight for Lincoln.”
New York, July, 1861
Sales of Ukrainian flags surge as Archangels reportedly seen in Kiev
(Warsaw) People all over the globe are clamoring for Ukrainian blue and yellow flags, representing the country they firmly support in its defense against Putin’s sociopathic attacks on her people.
Sales are off charts and the flags can already be seen draped and hung from Switzerland to Singapore. PUTIN HAS BECOME TOXIC reads one headline Russia a
In a virtual scene that some associate with Scripture people have reported seeing a band of Archangels fighting alongside Ukrainian troops. These sightings have yet to be confirmed by sources inside Ukraine.
Meanwhile brainwashed supporters of the war don red MRGA caps and confront demonstrators in Moscow. Police have arrested thousands of anti-Putin Russians sine the war began on Thursday.
In the us Putin supporters have been quiet. Are they finally ashamed of their behavior and their paper demagogues?
For more oil this please turn to God Sanctions Lucifer and the Dark Angels threatening two turn the newly formed nation of Hell into a pariah state for the ages.
Ski Patrol Called Up
(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.
The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.
According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.
“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”
The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes.
The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”
A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.
In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.
Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.
“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”
– Rocky Flats
Inside Your Issue
Local Health Inspector Hit by Gravy Train
Meat wagon totaled but bureaucrat survives ordeal
in Law and Order
Biden To seize Guns Thursday
But only from those who make over $250,000 per year
in National Clips
Ipods and Pacemakers
Are they compatible at higher altitudes?
In Retirement on the Half Shell
Elway Courting Ex-Raider Cheerleader
Will Political Aspirations Falter?
In People in the News
Colorado Springs Ascends into Heaven
“Garden of the Gods, Heathens and all”
in Untouchable Lifestyles
Special: Micro-managing Tropical Fish
Plus a ridiculous helping of realities to eat,
drink, fall from and be afraid to approach.
Pick up your fresh copy today
Where you buy quality birdcage hygiene goods.
Three Farcheezies Injured
(Montrose) Three of the four Flying Farcheezies were slightly injured when one end of their tight rope fell into the Black Canyon of Gunnison during a performance here. The Farcheezies, a Croatian high wire act with direct lineage to the Hapsburgs, were crossing the canyon on the said tight rope when the incident occurred. Guano Farcheezie, his brother Armando and sister Helena all suffered scrapes and bruises and were cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Memorial Clinic.
The mishap was reportedly provoked by the actions of an over-zealous Forest Service ranger who noticed that the high gymnasts had not paid camping fees in the park since May 2. After several attempts to locate the Farcheezies she simply began dismantling their digs. Unfortunately the dismantling included the tight rope which was tied to a concrete picnic table. The ranger sustained minor injury as several chickens, roosting in Ms. Farcheezie’s hope chest, attacked her as she excited the encampment. The ranger, whose name was not given will be awarded for her dedication to her country with an administrative position in Green River.
Three members of the Four Farcheezies reaching out back in 2021
The Farcheezies told reporters that they were relieved that the story first broke in the San Juan Horseshoe since, like Saturday morning cartoons, it is rare that anyone is ever killed on one of that paper’s pages.
“If this were to have happened in one of the other papers we could have all been killed and/or our names misspelled,” crowed Armando Farcheezie.
The Farcheezies will travel to the Bland Valley on Tuesday to perform on a local news broadcast there.
-Ripple Van Winkle
