All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
VISITING ALIENS WILL TALK ONLY TO THE IRISH
(Dublin) In the hubbub ash of recently alleged Chinese-Alien messaging, one preference is clear. Extraterrestrials favor communicating exclusively with the Irish. According to astronomers and telescope cowboys all over the Emerald Isle that only stands to reason.
Ireland’s remote rocky Atlantic may be less threatening than continental Europe and more accessible than more southern and western cores of civilization according to sources at NASA and Roskosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency.
“The landscape may be attractive, landing zones more plentiful, the populace more accepting and customs more familiar,” said Eamon Leap, of West Cork Observatory in Union Hall. “Irish is classified as none of the more difficult languages while the music is the easiest to embrace.”
Leap said many in his village believed that leprechauns still lived in the middle earth and that the banshee visits the dying while tinkers and tenors roamed free, walking amid the stars above.
“The jump to accepting extraterrestrials in our sky is not a formidable one,” winked Leap.
As most of our readers no doubt already know the claim by the Chinese that they had direct contact with alien beings was dismissed by “knowledgable sources” who contend that the recorded chatter and strained sounds came from humans mucking up the radar with their microwave ovens and hair dryers.
Many too are skeptical of the flashy Sky Eye Fast Telescope, the pride of China Manned Space Agency, that they say picks up only artificial signals on aging cryogenic receivers.
“The Chinese are rookies,” said a combative spokesman from SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence). “They have no business being up here with the planets. The suggestion that advanced beings would seek out Beijing is laughable and potentially harmful to sensitive contacts that happen everyday. We are on it. The Chinese are not,” he rammed.
Meanwhile in Connemara, a mysterious, yet official-looking memo discovered in Westport Town suggests some sort of soiree of fiddler’s proportions should be arranged for mid-September. What might be Hiberno-Martian scribbling could be referring to 1916 and Bana Strand welcoming parties who, despite 4 kegs of Guinness and 40 Loaves and Fishes managed to spoil another uprising against the King. A small plow and star are said to have appeared in the sky over Sligo moments after the memo from “Friends in the Ballyheigue Galaxies”.
“If the extraterrestrials want to chat the Irish make the best talkers on the planet,” continued Leap. “Throw in a little Druid, some bogland, a few Vikings, green mountains, seafood, the finest sailing, good whiskey and the people and it’s no surprise we were first pick.”
Hopes that a meeting could be arranged on Stevens Green or Trinity College were shattered when the prospective date turned out to be a bank holiday, one of many days off for a large chunk of the population.
Despite a mute Dahl many others share opinions and reactions in Wexford.
“It took us 700 years to get rid of the last intruders from over across the water,” said one man. “Let’s not be so naive to think these marauders are just coming for tea.”
Several men at the bar at Doyle’s Bar echoed similar sentiments saying that the economy didn’t need anymore outsiders on the public dole.
A man walking on the Liffey welcomed the space travelers.
“We can all live together just so long as the rashers hold out,” he said.
Meanwhile the final word coming down from the shawlies on the Shannon suggests that there is very little we can do about who sails into our harbors, either from the sea or the skies.
“So why worry now?” they asked.
“The Irish stand the best chance of communicating and appreciating the tasks of space wanderers considering Diaspora of that group and tendency toward articulate if not lavish grammar and a sense of the big picture…Looking out into the Atlantic may provide lots of visual.”
“We know the Norsemen and Danes built Galway, Waterford and Cork but did creatures from other planets really build all these pubs?”
-Finbar Lug
Rhino Redeployment in Africa Sheds Light on Hippo Time Bomb in Colombia
(Doradal, Colombia) Thanks to a late Colombian drug pin, feral hippos (Hippopotamus amphibious) continue to roam the waterways of this South American country. The often aggressive mammals were once part of an elaborate zoo created by the infamous Pablo Escobar.
When a majority of the other animal residents were adopted by zoos these monsters proved to be too difficult to handle and were left to fend for themselves. Biologists thought the hippos would eventually die out, solving the problem.
Colombia will employ primitive tactics common to the successful relocation of the bothersome African Rhinoceros in its struggle to control the hippopotamus population in that South American country. Borrowing from well established removal campaigns, large mammals are trapped and exported (often smuggled) to remote locations or in extreme cases eradicated.
Now the government in Bogota is trying desperately to rid the country of the thriving beasts. Although consistently aggressive toward humans, they are seen as victims, an anomaly of the first degree in a culture that appreciates anomalies. The “cocaine hippos”, as they are called, are an ecological disaster, yet most Colombians are against killing them.
An adult hippopotamus can weight in at 5 tons and live for up to 70 years in a climate like that of the Colombian river valleys. Their impact on fish and other wildlife is horrible according to sources here. It is believed that as many as 120 live in Colombia where no natural predators reside. Short of elimination, blueprints call for a severe culling of the non-native species.
“Hippo castrations are dangerous business,” said Pedro Valasquez, a veterinarian from Bolombolo. “That should be clear enough to anyone with a brain. We’ve tried chemicals, darts with Gonacon contraception and strategic hamlets. One missionary from Oklahoma even tried preaching abstention. So far we report chaos.
Another more cynical approach would be to smuggle the hippos to Miami where they could be processed, ground up, distributed and snorted by druggies, creating an overnight demand and more opportunity for struggling campesinos here.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Supreme Quart to vote on Dunning vs Kruger this week
(Washington) Continuing analysis revolving around the controversial Dunning-Kruger Effect has pummeled this week’s Supreme Quart into action. The black-robed justices, standing as the highest court in the land are expected to either continue to adhere to stipulations herein or throw the whole mess out the window according to insiders here.
Particularly sensitive to criticism and gaping questions about security as illustrated by leaks on convoluted decisions on Roe vs Wade, the appointed judges will again break trail on the controversial and tenuous status of Dunning-Kruger in the United States.
The Dunning–Kruger effect is a highly dependent bias whereby people with low ability at a task overestimate their ability. In short they do not have the skills or intelligence to realize the low level of their thought falls short or nowhere. Some researchers also include in their definition the opposite effect for high performers: their tendency to underestimate their skills.
The Supreme Quart is focused on this phenomenon due to stark data suggesting the Dunning-Kruger Effect itself is in run-away mode, threatening to sabotage logic, cooperation, restraint and balance in the daily life of the floundering republic that it serves.
“Is it all just a medley of sound bytes with no distinction between truth and lies?” asked a veteran capital vender who has no opinion on politics. “A populace who cannot distinguish between the two is destined to fail no matter who’s on the bench.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Remember Magh Itha! – battle cry from ancient Ireland
Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today
(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.
Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.
The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.
Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists, missionaries, psychologist, many recovering bingo addicts themselves. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers. A full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and those magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases.
The help center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 suites, where smoking is permitted.
“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo guilt and perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”
Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy, motivated bingo players upon release.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Just download my app”
Child rearing made easy with on-line applications
Russian Literary Giants Condemn Putin From the Great Beyond
In a chilling statement from the grave, legendary Russian writers Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Vasily Grossman, Aleksander Solzhenitsyn, Vladimir Nabokov, Maxim Gorky, Aton Chekov have condemned President Vladimir Putin.
Alexander Pushkin, generally regarded by the Soviets as a staunch ideological ally, had nothing good to say about the vicious attack on a “brother nation” and refused to defend the actions, choosing to abstain from comment. (Like China and India)
The stumblebum Russian propaganda machine denied that these well-loved novelists had returned in spirit to blast Putin and that the Oligarchs that have been robbing the people (and the military) for decades.
Tolstoy comes back from the grave to condemn Putin
“Some poor conscript has a zero survival status because Putin’s buddies spent all the money on their lavish yachts,” said a Tatar medium from Saint Petersburg, who has since relocated to Finland. “These soldiers, who have been killed at alarming rates are victims too much like those in War and Peace and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.
It was not clear if the erudite novelists, the pride of the Russian people, can have any impact on a rather constipated Kremlin. Many House Republicans who didn’t know exactly where Ukraine was located were torn between supporting Donald’s buddy and supporting democracy for a change.
The very idea that one of these pariahs would read a Russian novelist was not in anyone’s suggestion box.
Meanwhile Homer and Marge watched television trying to figure it all out.
In a related development, Rasputin was not far behind, lurking covered in the ashes of the Czars. Insiders outside in Red Square say he will hold a press conference in Lviv before the weekend.
“God created war so that Americans would learn geography,” – Mark Twain.
