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Russian Literary Giants Condemn Putin From the Great Beyond

In a chilling statement from the grave, legendary Russian writers Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Vasily Grossman, Aleksander Solzhenitsyn, Vladimir Nabokov, Maxim Gorky, Aton Chekov have condemned President Vladimir Putin.

Alexander Pushkin, generally regarded by the Soviets as a staunch ideological ally, had nothing good to say about the vicious attack on a “brother nation” and refused to defend the actions, choosing to abstain from comment. (Like China and India)

The stumblebum Russian propaganda machine denied that these well-loved novelists had returned in spirit to blast Putin and that the Oligarchs that have been robbing the people (and the military)  for decades.

Tolstoy comes back from the grave to condemn Putin

“Some poor conscript has a zero survival status because Putin’s buddies spent all the money on their lavish yachts,” said a Tatar medium from Saint Petersburg, who has since relocated to Finland. “These soldiers, who have been killed at alarming rates are victims too much like those in War and Peace and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.

It was not clear if the erudite novelists, the pride of the Russian people, can have any impact on a rather constipated Kremlin. Many House Republicans who didn’t know exactly where Ukraine was located were torn between supporting Donald’s buddy and supporting democracy for a change.  

The very idea that one of these pariahs would read a Russian novelist was not in anyone’s suggestion box.

Meanwhile Homer and Marge watched television trying to figure it all out.

In a related development, Rasputin was not far behind, lurking covered in the ashes of the Czars. Insiders outside in Red Square say he will hold a press conference in Lviv before the weekend.

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography,” – Mark Twain.

Spring Cleanup Sacks Town

(Manana) The first ever spring cleanup in Manana has terminated the town. After three days of hauling garbage, old tires, discarded machine parts, plastic, broken furniture, abandoned trailers and other debris to the county dump there is nothing left of what was once a thriving little burg that once commanded a spectacular view along the Little Packer Pecker River.

“Our team reached out and there was nothing left,” said one resident. “I thought someone had our back. Awesome.”

“Other towns seem to be able to handle a little sprucing up without changing road maps,” said mayor Muriel Armbruster who has taken up residence some six miles away at Colona. “We started with the highest intentions and the result is the disappearance of the entire town.”

Monday morning all that was left of Manana were fragile skeletons of dilapidated downtown shops, the wobbly shell of the post office and a few mangy dogs looking disoriented and hungry.

“I don’t know how long it will take us to return the town to its normal condition,” said Armbruster. “Right now there’s nothing here but a few spindly, framed remembrances. With the arrival of our traditional spring wind storms, those too will fade into architectural history.”

As expected the town has applied for federal aid.

“These town cleanups are serious business,” added the former mayor. “I wonder if we could incorporate the landfill.”  

-Small Mouth Bess

Mob Offers Collection Seminar

(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to bill collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be presented by visiting gangsters as part of Mafia Ski Week scheduled for the last week in January in 2023. Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation, destruction of property and garnishment.

The carefully chosen panel features some 200 years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining. 

“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.

The multi-layered approach to debits and balance sheets, although often extreme, has been documented to be 98% effective according to shadow groups engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.

“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”

Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for Evangelical Naked Skiing and controversial Flea Ski programs that have failed to produce needed revenue for the town” according to unreliable sources on the Mountain. 

The concentrated program costs $150. Interested parties are encouraged to pay up front. Lunch will be served.

– Susie Compost

“She also spoke to the baby in French. She was well educated, and those kind of people speak French to their babies.”  – art museum guard to Allisandro in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Bake sale to save the environment

(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!

American Cheese Slice Survives 100 Years

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties at the Croatian Club on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some a nominal cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers are comfortable consuming foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese could last 100 years,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture. 

According to the undisclosed maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like the fare here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else for dinner.”

– Jolly Pena

“Maybe a convoy is going to come together in Algeciras (and) spend the winter in Africa, the hot sun on your bony little pagan arses. Lovely.”  – Charlie Redmond in Night Boat to Tangiers by Kevin Barry