All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Cloudy politics in the USA
My country is polarized and angry. Will the mid-terms give us any indication of who we are as a nation (or if we are still a nation)? Will voters see the big picture or continue to support petty ideas and jealous candidates that offer simple solutions (worthless) to mega problems (revolving). Shall we wallow in the trenches of Us and Them or will we build a country that guarantees freedom and dignity for all?
DENVER FAILS TO UNDRESS LINEMEN ISSUE
Did you hear that the Bronco offense gets a bye next week?
How can you tell?
Hefty loitering fine levied on Bronco line
(Mile High City) Exhuming a remote, little used aggravated loitering ordinance thought to have been created as a joke back in 1887, the City and County of Denver have sanctioned the offensive line and coaches associated with the professional football team that will hereby be referred to as the Denver Broncos.
Several of the coaching staff could face counts of entertainment fraud and the lack of insider trading.
“The performance has been tedious and not the least bit accommodating unless you like chaotic launches, stumble runs, and over crowding around the line of scrimmage,” said one councilman who rarely criticizes the franchise.
“It’s like going to a play where all of the players have forgotten their lines.”
Meanwhile Sectarians for Thought, a right-wing element that blames helmets for head injuries on the gridiron, is pushing for the passage of Sector Decree #611 which classifies derisive talk, witty ridicule or even a mocking tone regarding Bronco offensive linemen within the city limits.
Persons convicted of this remotely concocted venue could spend the rest of their lives driving on I-25.
-Fred Zeppelin
“I had the blues so bad one time
It put my face in a permanent frown
But now I’m feelin’ so much better
I could cake walk into town.”
-Taj Mahal
Internet de alta velocidad es mejor que el sexo
“Internet de alta velocidad, sin dudas, ¡es mejor que el sexo!” dijo una encuesta reciente publicada por Knights of the Ribald. La encuesta se publica en muchas publicaciones sexualmente explícitas que se exhiben con orgullo detrás de los mostradores de las tiendas por todo el infierno y viceversa.
Aquellos que tengan la suerte de vivir en ubicaciones proporcionadas por Fiber pueden descargar un montón de pecados, música de acompañamiento, consultar el correo electrónico y tomar una cerveza, todo al mismo tiempo en cuestión de minutos.
Según una mujer recientemente soltera de 34 años, que alquiló una cueva a los talibanes, “¡Quién necesita hombres!” grita con una cerveza entre las piernas en un abrevadero de Gunnison. “Todo lo que necesito es un buen juego de audífonos, un paquete de seis en el refrigerador, y tengo el mundo virtual con el clic de un mouse de plástico que vibra”.
“De hecho, ¿por qué estoy aquí en este bar durante la hora feliz?” ella cuestionó aún más.
Los reporteros solitarios informan que las esposas y las novias están dejando a sus esposos y novios con bonitas casas en los suburbios remotos que rodean Telluride, Gunnison e incluso Crested Butte por apartamentos caros con televisión por cable y remolques deteriorados en Montrose y Grand Junction. “Dejé a mi novio por Internet de alta velocidad”, informó un graduado de Western State University.
Un ama de casa no tan desesperada de Crested Butte South utiliza Internet de alta velocidad para pedir juguetes sexuales femeninos pagados con la tarjeta de crédito de su marido. “Mi único escape de mi autoritario esposo e hijos es mi oficina, mi gato, mi artilugio erótico de vidrio soplado y la música descargada ilegalmente”.
Incluso los montañeses de Western Slope se están dando cuenta. “Las mujeres no me quieren de todos modos”, grita un vaquero Colona borracho que no ha estado con una mujer en años. ¡Todo lo que necesito es una descarga rápida del último video de Paris Hilton y estoy listo!”.
Mientras sigue siendo abofeteado por otra mujer que no le da la hora del día, arroja un trago de Jack Daniels y agrega: “Una vez que hayas tenido Internet de alta velocidad, nunca volverás a la normalidad”. Fechado.”
“Los juegos previos tomaron demasiado tiempo con el dial-up”, informó un hombre calvo de 60 y tantos años que tomaba Viagra desde su Montrose double-wide. “Me gusta mi entretenimiento rápido, fácil y en el lado basura”.
La encuesta señaló que uno de cada cinco visita sitios pornográficos al menos dos veces al día en sus hogares, mientras que un tercio de los encuestados obtienen su dosis en el trabajo durante el tiempo del jefe. Un trabajador de la construcción de Telluride que vive en su transbordador Toyota ingresa en secreto a la oficina de la compañía para mirar en línea a la Chica del mes de Makita. “Ella es mejor que la cosa real”, susurra.
-Paseos Bettie
Sprayed on faces of leaders we love
Redefining the concept of a charlatan, politicians like Rep Mark Gaetz manipulate the fears of lost souls while he himself is caught without conscience or soul. If one looks close he can see the stretch marks on his neck and scalp where his face was sprayed on. It’s all act aimed at robotic White Christian voters come November. Supporters of these scalawags can enjoy free face spraying too, immediately before and after the voting booth. Sadly, our Experimental Tango with Democracy is often thwarted by people who cannot even tap dance little. Maybe it’s congenital amusia or maybe a fear of the Big Picture Boogie. An anti-Christ wannabe, Gaetz is under investigation for sex trafficking and alleged crimes related to his relations with underage girls. However, it appears he will skate again and not be indicted like several of his “runnin’ budddies” who are now serving federal time down in Florida.
Macaques, Howlers and ED Capsules
A formula for disaster in our alpine canopy
Local authorities seek input as to the burgeoning ED treatment epidemic within the Japanese Macaque and Howler Monkey populations in the San Juans and Elk Mountains. As most of our enlightened readership is already well aware, the primates were secretly dropped into the Wiminuche Wilderness in 1985 followed by another introduction of a smaller group of immigrant macaques in 1991.
That was then. Now is now. The clash of monkeys and medicine. Catastrophe looms. Ape anarchy.
The availability and acceptability of erectile dysfunction products out there in the medicinal world has seen to that. They are plentiful on the black market. They have made their way into the forests. They are everywhere like jelly beans on Easter. The place has gone nuts. Primates that once blended well with other existing flora and fauna are no longer so docile. Monkeys who appeared content to sit in trees and yell are now out looking for a good time, every night of the week, so we’re told.
Police are perplexed as to how the primates are acquiring the drugs so easily and at such a volume.
“We are monitoring known dispensing spots for all sorts of legal pharmaceuticals,” said one officer in Colona. “We watch for suspicious behavior but not one monkey or ape has been spotted within city or town limits.”
County officials say the ED pills are being brought by tourists and discarded. They say the accessibility has grown over the past decade. But they agree that this is small potatoes compared to the incendiary house of cards shuffling in our woodlands.
“The alarming part is that the deteriorating relationship between wardens and primates has reached toxic levels so quickly despite the availability of counseling and free coffee at a series of open meetings that were poorly attended to be kind, and seen as irrelevant by other wildlife.
Humans are warned to stay out of the woods during the traditional morning, afternoon and evening mating times. Residents and visitors alike are reminded that the macaque and howlers are protected species. Harming one could land you in jail with big fines and a loss of hunting privileges for yourself and your off-spring.
“If it was me I’d just stay in the house or go to Arizona,” said one county commissar, who pleaded anonymity.
The clandestine experiment seemed to be going very smoothly as the troupes found everything they required to sustain and thrive as the first control group in North America. Although the forests were quite different than more tropical environs the animals quickly adapted substituting quakie for mango leaves and berries for bananas.
Division of Wildlife plans to relocate the species to Oklahoma during rifle season here have been abandoned due to the cost of diesel.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Many Regions Embrace Zucchini Standard
(Delta) A rising number of communities have weaned themselves off the dollar and taken to zucchini as legal tender as well as a negotiable measure of wealth and well- being.
Despite the strong US dollar, many mostly rural Americans feel that what they can see piling up is a better measure of prosperity than credit cards some measly paper money. Many say the paper money is good to start fires but they can’t get even dried zucchini squash to ignite.
“We got greenbacks and such with pictures of men in wigs or we got beautiful squash of yellow and green,” said one former Nitwit Coin enthusiast. “Which one looks the most secure?”
The source did not comment when asked about the winter months when zucchini and most fresh vegetables dry up around these parts. Already hunters and gatherers are hard at work canning and storing squash in apprehension of a “run on the bank” by city dwellers.
Rumors of an invasion by miles of rogue zucchini in the vicinity of Rangel, Colorado have been simultaneously downgraded to an official tropical disturbance and delegated as a federal disaster area. Federal mandates strictly limit plant migrations such as this that exceed 25 miles wide.
“That thirsty zucchini patch is easily twice that size,” continued our source who now identified himself as Hector Somebody, of Mack. He told us that hordes of zucchini militia, called Zucchini Rangers due to their laughable yellow and gold socks and well-oiled Squashkopf* Rifles, had surrounded the zucchini and dug trenches at the state line in preparation for a war of attrition.
Others hijacked a Bimbo Bread truck and drove it to safety in Wyoming moments before engulfed by the meandering squash. Nearby tractor trailers and a 4000-foot recreational vehicle were not so lucky. The Bimbo maneuver was reportedly linked to a wildly popular board game aply named Dump the Zuchini which claims over three million afficionados across the Rockies.
“They were here one minute and gone the next,” said Somebody, just like my sociable security check.”
*Carcano M 1938 carbine beretta – Fucile Armaguera to you flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
“Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.”
– Jules Renard, 1890
