All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

PLANET COULD BE OUT OF ELBOW ROOM By 2030

No, your favorite bar in Fresno didn’t shut down nor did the tavern in Wichita…not to mention the watering hole in Bismarck where the sign on the door says “Lots of elbows and plenty of room”.

This article is not about bars called The Elbow Room, of which there are, it seems, an infinite number. It’s a sort of last ditch attempt to revive our disappearing Americana thing. 

The elbow room we’re talking about here is the anatomical version that actually gives us the freedom to swing our bodies around, flex those chest muscles, loosen the joints, stretch our horizons and appease stress points. It’s the kind of elbow room that lets us lift our arms (not to mention our spirits) and almost fly.

As of this afternoon we, as a society, are running chronically short of this survival commodity. Manifold destiny may not be enough to conserve and protect our cherished freedoms since most of the desirable property is occupied by everyone from greedy developers to desperate squatters.

Elbow room is disappearing along with privacy, solitude and the frontier. When room to merely survive becomes a premium, elbow room goes the way of the drive-in theater, the cigarette machine or fossil fuel. The demise of elbow room is easily on par with accidentally flushing one’s wedding ring down the drain, attempting a quickie in an elevator to running out of opinions.

The elbow includes prominent landmarks such as the olecranon, the cubital fossa (also called the chelidon, or the elbow pit), and the lateral and the medial epicondyles of the humerus. It is the joint between the forearm and the upper arm, an anticlimax that falls short of scientific proximity and atomic description 

Tradesmen such as plumbers know all about elbow pipe but if you hire one don’t linger at his elbow or even elbow to elbow or you might face an annoyance premium. Nobody likes someone looking over their shoulder while they work, especially plumbers. 

Elbow room is defined as sufficient room for the work at hand – literally room to extend one’s elbows. That may be why throwing an elbow is considered to be the apex of rudeness, just as elbowing one’s way through the crowd is seen as barbaric and the result of bad breeding.

And what of that scoundrel elbow macaroni? – Does this challenged pasta actually taste different than regular pasta? Why do people want it? Is this flimsy starch somehow linked to the practice of cahoots elbowing…that gentle nudge often accompanied by a sly smile or wink – an indication of shared information or congratulations?

Is it accidental that the word elbow derives from the Dutch word ellebog? The term, frozen in time along the North Sea, emerged from that densely populated nation where elbow room vamoosed centuries ago. Were the constrained inhabitants elbowed out by rivals empowered by technologies like dykes, funny bones and even elbow grease itself. Did neighboring Belgium discover the cure for tennis elbow?

On the subject of elbow room the prestigious Mao Clinic says it is up to its elbows in the research arena and literally swamped with daily queries  as to the proper care and management of elbow room. Despite decades and fortunes the answers remain illusive.

“When it comes to the elbow we remain mired in superstition and stuck in out own verbiage. We know little of the joint. Why not try a nice wrist or shoulder instead? We have far more data on hair replacement and rogue toenails than we do on the unassuming elbow,” said one attending physician, who has enjoyed limited success producing elbow room with prosthetics. 

On the social side, with the imbibing sect we see elbow lifting as an end in itself while “More power for your elbow” encourages fellow boozers to drink more and more. Even if he might be out at the elbow (Poorly dressed) as if his coat is worn out at the elbows. Over in the casino gamblers are known as Knights of the Elbow while someone adept at dice might be tagged an Elbow Shaker.

My Uncle Earl, a 40-year veteran of the professional wrestler circuit always had plenty of elbow room around him due to flatulence and intestinal disorders.  While we would never suggest our reader take this approach to the pressures of social norms ….Of course excessive farting has little or nothing to do with the elbow (or the knee, the wrist, the ankle or other joints.) Even the Elbow Witches he kept in his socks didn’t help.

*Earl is sometimes credited with perfecting the Flying Elbow Drop although wrestling scholars attribute the maneuver to Maurice the Magnificent (1955-1966). Later the drop was skillfully adapted by Stupa the Giant. The tactic employs the curve of the elbow with its ability to jab, floor, confine and choke the opponent in one swift blow on the way to the mat.

– Tommy John

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for damn near 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* 

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict in America had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl. 

The severe differences of opinion herein that brought on civil war 85 years later,

threatens the harmony of our nation today.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land. 

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

-Kashmir Horseshoe 

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

VISITING ALIENS WILL TALK ONLY TO THE IRISH

(Dublin) In the hubbub ash of recently alleged Chinese-Alien messaging, one preference is clear. Extraterrestrials favor communicating exclusively with the Irish. According to astronomers and telescope cowboys all over the Emerald Isle that only stands to reason.

Ireland’s remote rocky Atlantic may be less threatening than continental Europe and more accessible than more southern and western cores of civilization according to sources at NASA and Roskosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency.

“The landscape may be attractive, landing zones more plentiful, the populace more accepting and customs more familiar,” said Eamon Leap, of West Cork Observatory in Union Hall. “Irish is classified as none of the more difficult languages while the music is the easiest to embrace.”

Leap said many in his village believed that leprechauns still lived in the middle earth and that the banshee visits the dying while tinkers and tenors roamed free, walking amid the stars above.

“The jump to accepting extraterrestrials in our sky is not a formidable one,” winked Leap.

As most of our readers no doubt already know the claim by the Chinese that they had direct contact with alien beings was dismissed by “knowledgable sources” who contend that the recorded chatter and strained sounds came from humans mucking up the radar with their microwave ovens and hair dryers.

Many too are skeptical of the flashy Sky Eye Fast Telescope, the pride of China Manned Space Agency, that they say picks up only artificial signals on aging cryogenic receivers.

“The Chinese are rookies,” said a combative spokesman from SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence). “They have no business being up here with the planets. The suggestion that advanced beings would seek out Beijing is laughable and potentially harmful to sensitive contacts that happen everyday. We are on it. The Chinese are not,” he rammed.

Meanwhile in Connemara, a mysterious, yet official-looking memo discovered in Westport Town suggests some sort of soiree of fiddler’s proportions should be arranged for mid-September. What might be Hiberno-Martian scribbling could be referring to 1916 and Bana Strand welcoming parties who, despite 4 kegs of Guinness and 40 Loaves and Fishes managed to spoil another uprising against the King. A small plow and star are said to have appeared in the sky over Sligo moments after the memo from “Friends in the Ballyheigue Galaxies”.

“If the extraterrestrials want to chat the Irish make the best talkers on the planet,” continued Leap. “Throw in a little Druid, some bogland, a few Vikings, green mountains, seafood, the finest sailing, good whiskey and the people and it’s no surprise we were first pick.”

Hopes that a meeting could be arranged on Stevens Green or Trinity College were shattered when the prospective date turned out to be a bank holiday, one of many days off for a large chunk of the population.

Despite a mute Dahl many others share opinions and reactions in Wexford.

“It took us 700 years to get rid of the last intruders from over across the water,” said one man. “Let’s not be so naive to think these marauders are just coming for tea.”

Several men at the bar at Doyle’s Bar echoed similar sentiments saying that the economy didn’t need anymore outsiders on the public dole.

A man walking on the Liffey welcomed the space travelers.

“We can all live together just so long as the rashers hold out,” he said.

Meanwhile the final word coming down from the shawlies on the Shannon suggests that there is very little we can do about who sails into our harbors, either from the sea or the skies.

“So why worry now?” they asked.

“The Irish stand the best chance of communicating and appreciating the tasks of space wanderers considering Diaspora of that group and tendency toward articulate if not lavish grammar and a sense of the big picture…Looking out into the Atlantic may provide lots of visual.”

“We know the Norsemen and Danes built Galway, Waterford and Cork but did creatures from other planets really build all these pubs?” 

-Finbar Lug

Rhino Redeployment in Africa Sheds Light on Hippo Time Bomb in Colombia

(Doradal, Colombia) Thanks to a late Colombian drug pin, feral hippos (Hippopotamus amphibious) continue to roam the waterways of this South American country. The often aggressive mammals were once part of an elaborate zoo created by the infamous Pablo Escobar. 

When a majority of the other animal residents were adopted by zoos these monsters proved to be too difficult to handle and were left to fend for themselves. Biologists thought the hippos would eventually die out, solving the problem.

Now the government in Bogota is trying desperately to rid the country of the thriving beasts.  Although consistently aggressive toward humans, they are seen as victims, an anomaly of the first degree in a culture that appreciates anomalies. The “cocaine hippos”, as they are called, are an ecological disaster, yet most Colombians are against killing them.

An adult hippopotamus can weight in at 5 tons and live for up to 70 years in a climate like that of the Colombian river valleys. Their impact on fish and other wildlife is horrible according to sources here. It is believed that as many as 120 live in Colombia where no natural predators reside. Short of elimination, blueprints call for a severe culling of the non-native species.

“Hippo castrations are dangerous business,” said Pedro Valasquez, a veterinarian from Bolombolo. “That should be clear enough to anyone with a brain. We’ve tried chemicals, darts with Gonacon contraception and strategic hamlets. One missionary from Oklahoma even tried preaching abstention. So far we report chaos.

Another more cynical approach would be to smuggle the hippos to Miami where they could be processed, ground up, distributed and snorted by druggies, creating an overnight demand and more opportunity for struggling campesinos here.   

– Kashmir Horseshoe 

Supreme Quart to vote on Dunning vs Kruger this week

(Washington) Continuing analysis revolving around the controversial Dunning-Kruger Effect has pummeled this week’s Supreme Quart into action. The black-robed justices, standing as the highest court in the land are expected to either continue to adhere to stipulations herein or throw the whole mess out the window according to insiders here.

Particularly sensitive to criticism and gaping questions about security as illustrated by leaks on convoluted decisions on Roe vs Wade, the appointed judges will again break trail on the controversial and tenuous  status of Dunning-Kruger in the United States. 

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a highly dependent bias whereby people with low ability at a task overestimate their ability. In short they do not have the skills or intelligence to realize the low level of their thought falls short or nowhere. Some researchers also include in their definition the opposite effect for high  performers: their tendency to underestimate their skills.

The Supreme Quart is focused on this phenomenon due to stark data suggesting the Dunning-Kruger Effect itself is in run-away mode, threatening to sabotage logic, cooperation, restraint and balance in the daily life of the floundering republic that it serves.

“Is it all just a medley of sound bytes with no distinction between truth and lies?” asked a veteran capital vender who has no opinion on politics. “A populace who cannot distinguish between the two is destined to fail no matter who’s on the bench.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Remember Magh Itha! – battle cry from ancient Ireland

Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today

(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.  

Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.

The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.

Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists, missionaries, psychologist, many recovering bingo addicts themselves. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers. A full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and those magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases. 

The help center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 suites, where smoking is permitted.

“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo guilt and perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”

Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy, motivated bingo players upon release.

– Kashmir Horseshoe