All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Internet de alta velocidad es mejor que el sexo

 “Internet de alta velocidad, sin dudas, ¡es mejor que el sexo!” dijo una encuesta reciente publicada por Knights of the Ribald. La encuesta se publica en muchas publicaciones sexualmente explícitas que se exhiben con orgullo detrás de los mostradores de las tiendas por todo el infierno y viceversa.

     Aquellos que tengan la suerte de vivir en ubicaciones proporcionadas por Fiber pueden descargar un montón de pecados, música de acompañamiento, consultar el correo electrónico y tomar una cerveza, todo al mismo tiempo en cuestión de minutos.

     Según una mujer recientemente soltera de 34 años, que alquiló una cueva a los talibanes, “¡Quién necesita hombres!” grita con una cerveza entre las piernas en un abrevadero de Gunnison. “Todo lo que necesito es un buen juego de audífonos, un paquete de seis en el refrigerador, y tengo el mundo virtual con el clic de un mouse de plástico que vibra”.

     “De hecho, ¿por qué estoy aquí en este bar durante la hora feliz?” ella cuestionó aún más.

     Los reporteros solitarios informan que las esposas y las novias están dejando a sus esposos y novios con bonitas casas en los suburbios remotos que rodean Telluride, Gunnison e incluso Crested Butte por apartamentos caros con televisión por cable y remolques deteriorados en Montrose y Grand Junction. “Dejé a mi novio por Internet de alta velocidad”, informó un graduado de Western State University.

     Un ama de casa no tan desesperada de Crested Butte South utiliza Internet de alta velocidad para pedir juguetes sexuales femeninos pagados con la tarjeta de crédito de su marido. “Mi único escape de mi autoritario esposo e hijos es mi oficina, mi gato, mi artilugio erótico de vidrio soplado y la música descargada ilegalmente”.

     Incluso los montañeses de Western Slope se están dando cuenta. “Las mujeres no me quieren de todos modos”, grita un vaquero Colona borracho que no ha estado con una mujer en años. ¡Todo lo que necesito es una descarga rápida del último video de Paris Hilton y estoy listo!”.

     Mientras sigue siendo abofeteado por otra mujer que no le da la hora del día, arroja un trago de Jack Daniels y agrega: “Una vez que hayas tenido Internet de alta velocidad, nunca volverás a la normalidad”. Fechado.”

     “Los juegos previos tomaron demasiado tiempo con el dial-up”, informó un hombre calvo de 60 y tantos años que tomaba Viagra desde su Montrose double-wide. “Me gusta mi entretenimiento rápido, fácil y en el lado basura”.

     La encuesta señaló que uno de cada cinco visita sitios pornográficos al menos dos veces al día en sus hogares, mientras que un tercio de los encuestados obtienen su dosis en el trabajo durante el tiempo del jefe. Un trabajador de la construcción de Telluride que vive en su transbordador Toyota ingresa en secreto a la oficina de la compañía para mirar en línea a la Chica del mes de Makita. “Ella es mejor que la cosa real”, susurra.

-Paseos Bettie

Sprayed on faces of leaders we love

Redefining the concept of a charlatan, politicians like Rep Mark Gaetz manipulate the fears of lost souls while he himself is caught without conscience or soul. If one looks close he can see the stretch marks on his neck and scalp where his face was sprayed on. It’s all act aimed at robotic White Christian voters come November. Supporters of these scalawags can enjoy free face spraying too, immediately before and after the voting booth. Sadly, our Experimental Tango with Democracy is often thwarted by people who cannot even tap dance little. Maybe it’s congenital amusia or maybe a fear of the Big Picture Boogie. An anti-Christ wannabe, Gaetz is under investigation for sex trafficking and alleged crimes related to his relations with underage girls. However, it appears he will skate again and not be indicted like several of his “runnin’ budddies” who are now serving federal time down in Florida.

Macaques, Howlers and ED Capsules

A formula for disaster in our alpine canopy

Local authorities seek input as to the burgeoning ED treatment epidemic within the Japanese Macaque and Howler Monkey populations in the San Juans and Elk Mountains. As most of our enlightened readership is already well aware, the primates were secretly dropped into the Wiminuche Wilderness in 1985 followed by another introduction of a smaller group of immigrant macaques in 1991.

That was then. Now is now. The clash of monkeys and medicine. Catastrophe looms. Ape anarchy.

The availability and acceptability of erectile dysfunction products out there in the medicinal world has seen to that. They are plentiful on the black market. They have made their way into the forests. They are everywhere like jelly beans on Easter. The place has gone nuts. Primates that once blended well with other existing flora and fauna are no longer so docile. Monkeys who appeared content to sit in trees and yell are now out looking for a good time, every night of the week, so we’re told.

Police are perplexed as to how the primates are acquiring the drugs so easily and at such a volume.

“We are monitoring known dispensing spots for all sorts of legal pharmaceuticals,” said one officer in Colona. “We watch for suspicious behavior but not one monkey or ape has been spotted within city or town limits.”

County officials say the ED pills are being brought by tourists and discarded. They say the accessibility has grown over the past decade. But they agree that this is small potatoes compared to the incendiary house of cards shuffling in our woodlands.

“The alarming part is that the deteriorating relationship between wardens and primates has reached toxic levels so quickly despite the availability of counseling and free coffee at a series of open meetings that were poorly attended to be kind, and seen as irrelevant by other wildlife. 

Humans are warned to stay out of the woods during the traditional morning, afternoon and evening mating times. Residents and visitors alike are reminded that the macaque and howlers are protected species. Harming one could land you in jail with big fines and a loss of hunting privileges for yourself and your off-spring.

“If it was me I’d just stay in the house or go to Arizona,” said one county commissar, who pleaded anonymity. 

The clandestine experiment seemed to be going very smoothly as the troupes found everything they required to sustain and thrive as the first control group in North America. Although the forests were quite different than more tropical environs the animals quickly adapted substituting quakie for mango leaves and berries for bananas.

Division of Wildlife plans to relocate the species to Oklahoma during rifle season here have been abandoned due to the cost of diesel.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Many Regions Embrace Zucchini Standard

(Delta) A rising number of communities have weaned themselves off the dollar and taken to zucchini as legal tender as well as a negotiable measure of wealth and well- being.

Despite the strong US dollar, many mostly rural Americans feel that what they can see piling up is a better measure of prosperity than credit cards some measly paper money. Many say the paper money is good to start fires but they can’t get even dried zucchini squash to ignite.

“We got greenbacks and such with pictures of men in wigs or we got beautiful squash of yellow and green,” said one former Nitwit Coin enthusiast. “Which one looks the most secure?”

The source did not comment when asked about the winter months when zucchini and most fresh vegetables dry up around these parts. Already hunters and gatherers are hard at work canning and storing squash in apprehension of a “run on the bank” by city dwellers.

Rumors of an invasion by miles of rogue zucchini in the vicinity of Rangel, Colorado have been simultaneously downgraded to an official tropical disturbance and delegated as a federal disaster area. Federal mandates strictly limit plant migrations such as this that exceed 25 miles wide.

“That thirsty zucchini patch is easily twice that size,” continued our source who now identified himself as Hector Somebody, of Mack. He told us that hordes of zucchini militia, called Zucchini Rangers due to their laughable yellow and gold socks and well-oiled Squashkopf* Rifles, had surrounded the zucchini and dug trenches at the state line in preparation for a war of attrition. 

Others hijacked a Bimbo Bread truck and drove it to safety in Wyoming moments before engulfed by the meandering squash. Nearby tractor trailers and a 4000-foot recreational vehicle were not so lucky. The Bimbo maneuver was reportedly linked to a wildly popular board game aply named Dump the Zuchini which claims over three million afficionados across the Rockies.

“They were here one minute and gone the next,” said Somebody, just like my sociable security check.”  

*Carcano M 1938 carbine beretta – Fucile Armaguera to you flatlanders

-Gabby Haze

“Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.”

– Jules Renard, 1890

Planets Set to Collide

(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged

to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival.

     “We apologize for the inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”

     Meanwhile an official gov’ment statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.

     “Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”

-Manuel Flushe

Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People

(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.

     The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings. 

     Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era. 

     According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but chronically stupid.”

     For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of “barrio vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.

     “The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.

     The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.

– Gregory Rasputin Jr.

SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES

(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day. 

     Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.

     Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.

     “We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”

     In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.

     “The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said a T-Bag from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”

     When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are now made in China the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.

     In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show President Obama told reporters that “blaming the infirm for health care woes was like blaming pets for leash laws”. It’s high time we identified the sandbaggers in the system and rooted them out one at a time,” said the Chief Executive. Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds of dog if elected for a second term. He did not mention cats.

     Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the canine vote in the coming campaigns.

     “Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common scents?”

– Tommy Middlefinger   

Queen’s Coffin Located, Expedited

(London) For a harrowing 20 minutes nobody knew where the coffin had gone. Then in the nick of time a Jamaican Airlines ticketing agent stumbled across it while on her coffee break across from the domestic baggage sector.

“There it was. Bright as a prosperous colony, standing firm as sterling silver,” she said “I had seen it on telly when it left Edinburgh. It was the only unclaimed cargo on a red-eye flight in from Mumbai.

Within moments hundreds of anxious federal and local authorities swooped down on the lonely carousel, still going round and round. Forensic specialists and members of the royal clan were then spirited to the airport to make positive identification before announcing that the Queen Mother was in fact “in there all right” according to police.

“Her Majesty does not fly on commercial airlines,” said an aide. “The very idea that her private box had been tampered with is illogical since it only need pass through rudimentary customs in London.”

The aide blamed the Irish.

Meanwhile with the newly found Queen Elizabeth (no last name given) arrived at Westminster Abbey without further incident.  

-Finn McCool