US ships Trump to North Korea

(Warshington) The United States has sent former President Donald Trump to North Korea for kimchi futures, vague promises of aid, and players to be named later.

Insiders say there was also an under-the-table cash payment undisclosed at the time of the ballbuster trade.

The move, concluded just moments before the spring trade, deadline aligns Trump with his former batty roach Kim Jong-un and promises to deliver more than a few surprises during the coming season.

Officials would not comment on rumors that fireballer Jared Kushner and base stealing threat Marjorie Taylor Greene would break into the opening day lineup and accompany Trump to Pyongyang. 

“He has been a divisive element in the outfield here here in the United States since 2012 and is expected to act as designated hater in his new Asian home.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Humans spending 12% of day charging devices

(Omaha Towers) People obsessed with cellphones, laptops and tablets are investing larger chunks of their day keeping the things charged. The robo-chore has dramatically increased with the addition of expanded technology according to watchdog groups.

There are over 550 cell phone companies here in Nebraska alone. That’s thirty times the number of sheep and forty times greater than the number of antelope the otherwise less than stimulating region.

In addition to the on-average time spent actually charging, they spend another 4 minutes thinking about where to charge and a further 2.5 minutes thinking about what they will do while their devices are charging.

-Judy Sockett

Ask Doctor Ed

Dear Doctor Ed:

I am lonely but I hate people. What should I do?

Bridget

Dear Bridget:

Get a plant.  

Doctor Ed

“Michael… Michael O’Sullivan, are you a millionaire?

Now, Jackie, would I spend me time sitting on this old beach if I was a millionaire?

Jackie: “I believe you would.”  

                                  – fromthe film Waking Ned Devine 

Three friends enjoying the sun on the plaza in Jardin, Colombia

Colombia’s most beautiful plaza welcomes a sunny day in February

Nyuk, Whoop, Hey Moe recognized by Websters

Standards created by the Three Stooges Nyuk Nyuck Nyuck, Whoop-whoop-whoop, and Hey Moe, Hey Moe have been accepted by Webster. Nyuck…Nyuck…Nyuck was recognized as a viable breath of Americana while Whoop-whoop-whoop had to be reclassified as colloquial to qualify for the ranking. Hey Moe…Hey Moe, the only honor bestowed on what are are actually words and not just sounds made the cut to the surprise of the grammar gods. Barking in various modes as well as the famous shuffle made popular by Curly could not be classified as verbs or nouns and were thus discarded. Some sort of muddled or frenzied reception is planned for an undisclosed location.

Toole slapped with franchise tag

(Eldridge, CO) Long-winded scribe, Melvin Toole, has been slapped with a franchise tag here according to a testament released this morning. The statement, peppered with scant, illusive data and mumbled information said only that the tag was a surprise.

“It was just a flesh wound,” chided the 112-year-old who refuses to retire, or change his underwear regularly.

“It didn’t hurt but what should I do now,” he plead.

The recipient, speaking from the shaded deck at First Light Liquors here had no further comment and did not field questions.

Toole is the author of more than 200 books on the inner ear.

“He is the kind of person that slices his burger in half before he eats it.” said one close friend. “These little side trips without at least basic micro-dosing often cause a lot of chaos, even some violent episodes. In one case it required 4 large men to subdue the 117-pound Toole and that’s before he started hitting the weight room  twice a day

Bequeath your ski pass to the poor gaining steam.

(Ski Dallas) In what appears to be a softening toward the less privileged, many affluent skiers are giving away their annual downhill passes to the poor. The surprising behavior is peripherally linked to accusations that the sport has become the haunt of the wealthy, cutting out middle and lower income groups.

“An initial reluctance has morphed into a sort of snow white caring or so it appears,” said a spokesman for Colorado Ski Country.

“It’s quite trendy these days for liberals to talk about one’s generosity at cocktail parties and even on the lifts. Many of the enablers here are quite comfortable and can donate their passes only to purchase another without leaving their bubbles as the season goes on.”

The more conservative element on the slopes has been slower yet less verbal in their commitments to ski access although many in both groups expressed concerns with crowding especially on weekends near urban areas.

“We don’t mind helping out a few low-op people just so long as they follow the rules and the etiquette inherent in the sport,” said one retired skier who expected the daily pass rates to explode to make up for skyrocketing expenses at most major resorts.

Person wishing to participate in the fledgling exercise should apply at gimmealift.com. Lessons and ski rentals are not included.

-Fred Zeppelin

Trump Not Elvis says DNA Test

(Mar-de-Lardo) Final DNA tests, denied as fake news by remaining insiders, prove that Donald Trump is not now and has never been Elvis Presley. Although the ex-President never made clear claims that he was Elvis, family members admitted that he had embraced the fantasy for decades.

“When Uncle Donald took a trip to Tupelo, Mississippi as part of a Ku Kux Klan camp in 1959 he imagined himself to be Presley,” said a distant cousin who has written a book on Trump.

“He saw that Elvis was the center of attention and therefore concluded that he must be the hip-swaying singer. It was all too clear to him.”

The recent DNA tests show no biological or ancestral link between Trump and Presley although hair styles maintain a slight resemblance. Even though Elvis sang an occasional gospel tune and Trump quoted the Christian Bible when it suited him, the study found both men to be “low spirited and agnostic.”

“They both adhered to religion only when it propped up their bank accounts,” added the cousin. “Their frightened followers ate it up.”

With this final appraisal the Presley estate now plans to file a lawsuit claiming copyright infringement and brand violation on the part of the defamed politician.

Supporters abandoning Trump say the Elvis fraud is far more serious than tax evasion and inciting a riot, two charges lingering in the Trump bubble. Some 88% says they would still vote for Trump/Elvis if he runs in 2024.

– Gabby Haze