All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Perfume spill shuts down shipping along Choco’
(Buenaventura) A massive offshore cologne spill here has crippled shipping along the entire Pacific Coast with the worse affects from Tulaco to Guapi in the south, and up north on the open shoreline near Arusi and Pizarro.
The spill, traced to a ship from Cologne, covered an area twice the size Ecuador and could threaten the Galapagos Islands.
“Imagine gallon upon gallon of an unnatural fragrance interfacing with giant tortoises, marine iguanas, flightless cormorants and even a Darwin finch or two,” said Howie “Old” Spice, Director of Direction Shifting Sands on the timeless, often mysterious chain.
The Galapagos Islands, one thousand kilometers off the shore of SA , have been called the showcase of evolution due to a population of rare species that have thrived here for centuries.
This morning, the spill is flowing south in a smooth stream. Weather gals in Guayaquil say the perfume could link up with the Humboldt Current and destroy the planet by the weekend. Scientists fear it could take months to remove the offending discharge. Neutralizing the floral scent could take years.
The alleged destination of the perfume tanker was Colombia, a nation that consumes over 2000 gallons of cologne per week…and that’s just the men.
“You can catch the odor of aftershave anywhere you go here,” said Spice. “The aroma is detectible to the trained nose in a coffee shop, on the plaza or even from a passing motorcycle. When mixed with rum or aguardiente it can be quite intoxicating.”
Many of the animals living on the Galapagos chain have successfully avoided the full brunt of the intrusion, moving to the other side of the islands and burrowing into the sands.
“Most people think the perfume merchants should pay for the damages,” said Spice, “but I see some benefits in the big picture. Let’s face it, he smiled, “ 100-year old tortoise can’t smell all that good anyway.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
DeSantis sends guard into Never-Never Land in Disney Row
(Orlando) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today instructed the National Guard to take possession of Never-Never Land. Furthermore he has threatened to occupy Fantasyland and Tomorrowland unless the Disney Corporation bows to his demands regarding solidarity and operational status within the state.
Saying that Never-Never Land was abandoned years ago DeSantis, a Republican, is angry that “elements within the Disney structure have rebelled against the sitting government.”
Critics of DeSantis say he is pissed after being flanked by attorneys for Disney.
“He’s just another bully with a big mouth and no concrete ideas for the people of Florida,” said Ashrisa Washington, a Democrat from Jacksonville.
Rumors that Goofy and Mini Mouse are being held hostage somewhere in the Everglades were repudiated this afternoon.
What is true, however, is the Disney showcasing of a new ride where both DeSantas and former President Donald Trump are swallowed up by massive seaweed bilge that threatened the Sunshine State last month.
-Pepper Salte
“The bullpen has been a little bit inconsistent, for sure,”
– Rockies manager Bud Black.
Sanctions on Kim Jong-un’s hair lauded
(Pyongyang) Relatively obscure sanctions on Kim John-un’s hair by the US and its allies today received the glowing support of by Seoul Barber’s Union.
Cutting edge hairdressers in the south were quick to welcome fiscal restrictions placed on North Korean leaders following a barrage of missile testing in the Sea of Japan.
“The nuclear tests are one thing,” said a spokesperson for the powerful follicle guild that claims over a million members. “But that haircut!”
Sources indicate a growing resentment of Kim’s hairstyle in both nations on the Korean Peninsula.
It was not clear what ramifications the measure might have here, Crippled critics of the regime say most of its population cannot afford even a trim while counterparts in the south enjoy all the comforts of regular hair hygiene.
“Business is booming even in the small villages in the south,” said the spokesperson. “We have gone to great lengths to separate ourselves from the North Korean dictator. “We don’t want people in the international community to think his hair was our idea in any way, shape or form.”
-Susie Compost
Bishopric Broke After Bevy of Abuse Suits
The Diocese of Albany (NY) has filed for bankruptcy over unending lawsuits regarding Catholic priests molesting young boys. The Vatican, executive director of the world cult, is one of the world’s wealthiest entities. It was not known if this same ecclesiastical power broker would come to the aid of its minions.
Apostolic opinion indicates fears that if the legal battles continue, the Vatican would have to follow suit and seek protection under Chapter 11 or leave town and “start over where real estate was cheaper”.
There was no serious talk about the diocese registering as a sex offender. Despite desperate cover-ups and outright denials by the stiff-collared pontificators, it is clear that all of th priests did not engage in such depraved activities.
Big Church bosses have alluded to selling off ancient treasures, relics and even holy water or “it’s back to oatmeal for the Cardinals,” according to one defrocked penitent. Over the years The Vatican has amassed mounds of priceless art due to questionable acquisition much like the Nazis did before and during World War II.
“The loot could be auctioned off to wealthy non-Catholics who, of course, will be going to hell due to their rejection of the true faith,” said an unconfirmed source in Rome. “Then with patience and persistence Catholics on their way to heaven could recover the riches piecemeal at the gates of hell. Then after a few centuries we’d get out stuff back from the infidels.”
Few clerics agreed with this appraisal, maintaining the ancient line of ascension to the throne and Papal infallibility. Others say that it’s high time to ‘fess up and admit that they had made the whole thing up as a means to control their flocks and fleece them who nobody was looking.
“It was a good run and damned lucrative. The Jews got the balls rolling and we took it from there,” said the source.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
O’Sullivan’s Tavern
There was nobody home but himself. He hurried to secure his bank, sweep the wooden floor and wipe down the mahogany bar. Despite some of his sloppy customers the place was spanking clean. Soon the first wave would appear at the door. They’d knock if the door was still closed at eleven. Tom opened the shades and unlocked the door.
“That’s early enough for a little nip,” said Mrs. O’Harahan, whose now deceased husband had been a regular fixture. He enjoyed his Guinness everyday at three. He lived 96 years in perfect health until one afternoon he didn’t show up for his wet shift and we heard he had passed quietly during the night.
Now the lady passes by each day as if looking for him at the bar. Her short Guinness is on the house.
Yet another wake, surely to be held here at O’Sullivan’s. It’s good for business and gives me a chance to practice my patience. My plan is to stand them all for a drink across the street at Mike Malone’s sometime around ten then lock up and go home. Malone often did the same with me. We had an understanding.
“Friday night is your night for those who have had a wee little too much to drink,” said Malone.
“And on Saturday it’s your turn “to watch the children”, as we called it. “And don’t fret. My son Sean is home from the army and he is a very skilled at negotiating with the slightly inebriated.”
Besides, my regulars won’t put up with any monkey business. Christ, they all have their regular seats and are quite jealous of intrusions. They think they own the place.” said O’Sullivan, shaking his head.
“Oh, my boy Daniel will be happy to hear it. He’s on the night shift and the two of them can handle any drama that might rear it’s head amid the jars and suds.”
That bastard Reynolds would be there hanging at the bar by five, waiting for someone to buy him a porter. And if that’s not bad enough he starts to chatting politics, a subject on which he is not schooled. Maybe it’s easier to put up with him than cause a scene. Most of the patrons are the best kind but they all have their opinions on everything.
There’s even old Patsy Mulholland. She always claims I haven’t washed her glass. Looney as the birds but a nice woman.
Tom O’Sullivan finished his cup of coffee and walked out front into the sunlight to observe the comings and goings of Bay Ridge. He was not a young man anymore but if he stopped working it would kill him. He’s have to stay home all day and listen to his wife go on about the weather and the neighbors.
It’s almost opening time. He takes out the sacred flag of Republicanism—the plow and the star from Skibbereen and displays it proudly on the porch. There would be a rugby match on the radio in the afternoon and he could expect the local hurling team after a match with those arrogant bastards from Hell’s Kitchen across the East River.
Another day in Brooklyn, the finest town in America.
-Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole
Royalty Gene Isolated
(Vail) The long sought after Royalty Gene, that unit of heredity that determines who is royal and who is not, has been discovered in laboratory rats in an underground bunker somewhere deep in the Gore Tex Range. Known to insiders as the Queen Gene, which too forms part of a chromosome, the Royalty Gene appears to be more prolific in rat populations that presume royal heritage or entitlement due to money in the bank.
“If they think they are the king, then they are more likely to be crowned king than a common rat out on the street looking for something to eat,” said one researcher who was not qualified to speak on the matter and demanded animosity.
What postulates emerging from these finding indicate is that (according to the late great Inspector John Musick) “the gene pool is becoming a gene puddle” and that only a slim few will live the palatial lifestyle that so many yearn to embrace. Not wanting to appear politically incorrect or insensitive, scientists here carefully stressed that the so-called Queen Gene had nothing whatsoever to do with queries related to sexual preference.
The biggest problem they now face is finding enough volunteer rats to continue the experiments.
“Tests conducted here are no more harmful than a simple flu shot,” explained the scientist. “Crazy as it sounds we need these rodents to step up now, since they are an integral part of the program.
“How rats deal with the residue, the seemingly unbalanced reality is their own business,” said one researcher.
– Small Mouth Bess
