All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
King Finbar in the Americas
(continued from page 4)
and when he actually put in on that North American beach in 993 the playful, tattooed red men had already made off with the barrels of aged whiskey the sailors had brought along for emergencies.
“Let them have it,” grogged King Finbar. “We will simply make more this evening! They have plenty of corn.”
The landing party, comprised of Brian the Fair, McDougal of Ballyshannon, and their numerous squires and harlots stared up at the eucalyptus trees, not knowing that they had been planted by marauding Spanish pirates only months before. There were the straight masts for their boats. The posts were popular too since the ladies of the night tended to dry wet bikinis from them at the end of the day.
Hacking their way through the jungle the thirsty and salty visitors stopped for the night in a small clearing 200 yards from the sea.
“Tomorrow we shall claim this wild land in the name of Brian Boru of Tara,” smiled Finbar, busily mapping the extremities of the beach. “We will create a Celtic empire where no white man has roamed before!”
The band set out that very evening to carve out a little civilization in the encroaching jungle. First they had to erect a still so that the highly sensative fermentation process could begin without another moment going to waste. In addition to corn they would need fresh water, barley and a pinch of rye with which to concoct the evening’s pleasantries…but alas, these were nowhere to be found on the desert isle. It was now simple: The natives must be subdued and the original barrels recovered.*
Then they herd laughter from the brush…Like magic the red men had returned…blasted and back for last call. With them they brought tobacco, pumpkins and a substantial store of corn and barley with which to make more drink. Greeting them cautiously, King Finbar asked to speak to their chief and a fine feathered brave emerged, stepping forward into the light of the moon.
He soon agreed to act as our guide if we would simply share our recipe for our beauty juice where the tediums of life turned miraculously to silly dreams. Everyone agreed and smiled. That may have been the first cocktail hour ever chronicled in North America. The frowning Jesuits who had accompanied the anxious crew across the endless ocean were less than approving of the arrangements with the heathens so they were forced back to the ship to spend the night.
They spent three days with the natives and all went quite well. The only real problem occurred when a squire to McDougal was dragged off by a skitish Caribbean Ecelot while securing firewood. After serious consternation the Celts decided that they would continue the festivities and look for the unfortunate soul at first light. Most of the now stumbling revelers were beginning to appreciate their surroundings although several fell sick to the plague of green whiskey and the queer presence of tiny insects that insistently flew up their collective noses.
At the end of the barrels most of the troupe boarded small boats and returned to the mother ship leaving a skeleton crew on the island to establish a colony. Two or three years later boatmen traveling under the protection of Fitzgerald the Imp landed at the site of the first still and found no sight of even a bartender, much less the residue of the brave Irish who had stayed behind. It was the consensus of the Fitzgerald group that the Irishmen had run out of corn and moved farther down the coast. That was that. Fitzgerald himself returned to Ireland in 999 and was killed fighting Vikings who, having taken their own press clippings to heart, engaged in a frontal attack along the bridgets of the River Liffey.
*It was also common practice to add several live lobster to give the blend a kind, old variance.
Next month: King Finbar in the Vestibules of Valhalla
ARE YOU RIGHT WITH GRAMMAR?
BY EDWIN WHOM PHD, BFD
This week’s lesson in proper grammar will focus on the use of popular food names correctly in a sentence or paragraph. Now then try this one on for size: His spam-like gestures began as the very fruit of intuition marinating her eggy disposition and precipitating, as if a noodle in heat, her steamy hambone smothered in green chili sauce. She was clearly overcooked, as if awaiting a steeping rhubarb beyond the kitchen’s intent.
What is the subject of this wry sentence? The predicate? What exactly are spam-like movements? Can you show us? Why would someone use the term eggy when there are so many other words to choose from in the English language?
Now try this sentence on for size: Bill seemed rather adenoid at his half-brother’s lack of concern for the dangling corned beef and verbiage; now stubbornly searching under fat river rocks for further aux pas with a side of angry salmon mothers with little attempt to correct the inaccuracies of interior lighting and general well-being. What about ascetics? Doesn’t anyone here care for ascetics? He growled turning over tables and crashing through a picture window that lurched in his way.
Does Bill find fault with everything and everyone, or just with the tragic members of his immediate family? Where does Bill’s brother work? Should they farm him out for extended therapy or simply hire a nose and throat man? How long should one cook verbiage above 7000 feet?
Until later this be Edwin Whom, PhD saying so long!
“I would rather make love to Lillian Russell stark naked than to Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia.”
– Mark Twain
“Manchurian Candidate” Shown by GOP?
(Montrose) The 1962 film, The Manchurian Candidate, starring Laurence Harvey and Frank Sinatra this 1962 is currently showing at local theaters.
The storyline follows as several former prisoners return home following the Korean War and, although they were all brainwashed one standout has an altogether different agenda. Is he a spy? Has he become a traitor or a robot?
Despite up-tech remake in 2004, starring Denzel Washington, the original, less flashy film retains a following. It’s questions are still pertinent today. It carries a warning that a constitutional republic is not free and must be constantly defended from those who seek to steal our rights. Oddly enough it is sponsored by the local Republican Party.
According to persons familiar with Istanbul, a several boxes were delivered via Turkey (and giblet dressing) directly to one Vladimir Putin in sustainable code, but the Russians (idiots with nuclear weapons) have never successfully decoded anything…therefore no crime has been committed. Say what? They insist that Trump did no such thing and that the boxes were filled with red neckties and Christmas cookies for poor children in Red Square.
When pressed, one high-ranking Russian diplomat said he’d never heard anything about blackmail or sexual deprivation mentioned in the Trump dossier.
“We didn’t need to be underhanded or even clever in dealing with Mr. Trump,” he smiled. “The word around the Kremlin was that he was easily manipulated by simple flattery.”
The point? If you still can’t see that a New York confidence man has flim-flammed your ass then maybe you should go out and sleep in the camper.
For more on this turn to Telluride’s Gay Neighborhoods Get a New Coat of Paint in “Money Talks”
Cloudy politics in the USA
My country is polarized and angry. Will the mid-terms give us any indication of who we are as a nation (or if we are still a nation)? Will voters see the big picture or continue to support petty ideas and jealous candidates that offer simple solutions (worthless) to mega problems (revolving). Shall we wallow in the trenches of Us and Them or will we build a country that guarantees freedom and dignity for all?
DENVER FAILS TO UNDRESS LINEMEN ISSUE
Did you hear that the Bronco offense gets a bye next week?
How can you tell?
Hefty loitering fine levied on Bronco line
(Mile High City) Exhuming a remote, little used aggravated loitering ordinance thought to have been created as a joke back in 1887, the City and County of Denver have sanctioned the offensive line and coaches associated with the professional football team that will hereby be referred to as the Denver Broncos.
Several of the coaching staff could face counts of entertainment fraud and the lack of insider trading.
“The performance has been tedious and not the least bit accommodating unless you like chaotic launches, stumble runs, and over crowding around the line of scrimmage,” said one councilman who rarely criticizes the franchise.
“It’s like going to a play where all of the players have forgotten their lines.”
Meanwhile Sectarians for Thought, a right-wing element that blames helmets for head injuries on the gridiron, is pushing for the passage of Sector Decree #611 which classifies derisive talk, witty ridicule or even a mocking tone regarding Bronco offensive linemen within the city limits.
Persons convicted of this remotely concocted venue could spend the rest of their lives driving on I-25.
-Fred Zeppelin
“I had the blues so bad one time
It put my face in a permanent frown
But now I’m feelin’ so much better
I could cake walk into town.”
-Taj Mahal
Internet de alta velocidad es mejor que el sexo
“Internet de alta velocidad, sin dudas, ¡es mejor que el sexo!” dijo una encuesta reciente publicada por Knights of the Ribald. La encuesta se publica en muchas publicaciones sexualmente explícitas que se exhiben con orgullo detrás de los mostradores de las tiendas por todo el infierno y viceversa.
Aquellos que tengan la suerte de vivir en ubicaciones proporcionadas por Fiber pueden descargar un montón de pecados, música de acompañamiento, consultar el correo electrónico y tomar una cerveza, todo al mismo tiempo en cuestión de minutos.
Según una mujer recientemente soltera de 34 años, que alquiló una cueva a los talibanes, “¡Quién necesita hombres!” grita con una cerveza entre las piernas en un abrevadero de Gunnison. “Todo lo que necesito es un buen juego de audífonos, un paquete de seis en el refrigerador, y tengo el mundo virtual con el clic de un mouse de plástico que vibra”.
“De hecho, ¿por qué estoy aquí en este bar durante la hora feliz?” ella cuestionó aún más.
Los reporteros solitarios informan que las esposas y las novias están dejando a sus esposos y novios con bonitas casas en los suburbios remotos que rodean Telluride, Gunnison e incluso Crested Butte por apartamentos caros con televisión por cable y remolques deteriorados en Montrose y Grand Junction. “Dejé a mi novio por Internet de alta velocidad”, informó un graduado de Western State University.
Un ama de casa no tan desesperada de Crested Butte South utiliza Internet de alta velocidad para pedir juguetes sexuales femeninos pagados con la tarjeta de crédito de su marido. “Mi único escape de mi autoritario esposo e hijos es mi oficina, mi gato, mi artilugio erótico de vidrio soplado y la música descargada ilegalmente”.
Incluso los montañeses de Western Slope se están dando cuenta. “Las mujeres no me quieren de todos modos”, grita un vaquero Colona borracho que no ha estado con una mujer en años. ¡Todo lo que necesito es una descarga rápida del último video de Paris Hilton y estoy listo!”.
Mientras sigue siendo abofeteado por otra mujer que no le da la hora del día, arroja un trago de Jack Daniels y agrega: “Una vez que hayas tenido Internet de alta velocidad, nunca volverás a la normalidad”. Fechado.”
“Los juegos previos tomaron demasiado tiempo con el dial-up”, informó un hombre calvo de 60 y tantos años que tomaba Viagra desde su Montrose double-wide. “Me gusta mi entretenimiento rápido, fácil y en el lado basura”.
La encuesta señaló que uno de cada cinco visita sitios pornográficos al menos dos veces al día en sus hogares, mientras que un tercio de los encuestados obtienen su dosis en el trabajo durante el tiempo del jefe. Un trabajador de la construcción de Telluride que vive en su transbordador Toyota ingresa en secreto a la oficina de la compañía para mirar en línea a la Chica del mes de Makita. “Ella es mejor que la cosa real”, susurra.
-Paseos Bettie
Sprayed on faces of leaders we love
Redefining the concept of a charlatan, politicians like Rep Mark Gaetz manipulate the fears of lost souls while he himself is caught without conscience or soul. If one looks close he can see the stretch marks on his neck and scalp where his face was sprayed on. It’s all act aimed at robotic White Christian voters come November. Supporters of these scalawags can enjoy free face spraying too, immediately before and after the voting booth. Sadly, our Experimental Tango with Democracy is often thwarted by people who cannot even tap dance little. Maybe it’s congenital amusia or maybe a fear of the Big Picture Boogie. An anti-Christ wannabe, Gaetz is under investigation for sex trafficking and alleged crimes related to his relations with underage girls. However, it appears he will skate again and not be indicted like several of his “runnin’ budddies” who are now serving federal time down in Florida.
