All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
“If elected I will go to Mars” says Commissioner Candidate
(Lake City, CO) The Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 2022 is heating up with the incumbent promising star roving and the challenger urging voters to herald the town into the 21st century.
Resonating the words of then Presidential candidate Dwight D. Eisenhower regarding a visit to the war zone that was Korea 1951, Toole looked like he had just taken a bite out of someone.
“If elected I will go to Mars!” he exclaimed again just so everyone could hear him.
Paula Parvenu, a retired osteopath and competition for the coveted county position mocked Toole, saying that she would rather stay in county and help the residents here. Readers may recall Parvenu’s tearful concession speech following a painful one vote defeat in the County Coroner race in 2020.
“I realize I am a bit of a neophyte but I am quite sure that solar system treks and small town politics don’t mix well.”
“I’d say the Martian enthusiasm was split down the middle with half of the registered voters impressed with Toole’s courage and willingness to to strike out into the great beyond,” stressed one election monitor. “The other half simply want him to leave town for whatever reason he chooses in his jumbled consciousness.”
“Why Mars?”asked Toole defensively. “Less controversial than Israel or Taiwan. Closer than Neptune. “The moon is passé. Everyone is doing that.”
His own grapefruit powered spice module with a henway launcher was crafted in the Black Hills from old motorcycle parts and a discarded copper still.
“At first Toole threatened to ride his Gold Wing but aides calmed him down.,” said the former commissioner. “Then he volunteered to be shot from a canon duplicating countless success stories from his earlier circus days.”
The key here, according to the local prattle is that Toole says he is going someplace. Any place. The destination is secondary.
“The electorate hears the sound byte, stores it within the twisted wires and well-worn fears and generational opinions, spits out a poorly though out preamble and then forgets the matter entirely.”
-Slim Gulione
Parts of this report were extracted from the first draft of the popular String Bikinis on the Ganges, A Memoir
by Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Take your libido to work day “abject disaster”
(Pea Green)) The first-ever exploratory, employee-sponsored Career Jamboree has reportedly failed in all projections and will be dropped in 2023.
“This was a social disaster peppered with inappropriate behavior and gossip, girl-boy shenanigans and the running of 30 mouths,” said Natty Redde who does cowgirl beadwork and was invited to the jamboree with her libido and well-behaved her dog, Sherker, who holds an advanced degree in canine tonsorial relations and likes to swim in rivers completely naked.
“In had a blast!” Redde said. “We didn’t bring Sherker’s libido because it had jumped the fence and tore up the neighbor’s laundry and bit the local policeman.”
The riling and vexatious event came together when leading office predators, including the Clown Administrator, were away on an illegal voting machine vacation in Grand Junction.
The Administrator, in keeping with her landmark statement, she did not elaborate further.
“I don’t play golf to get better. I play to keep from getting any worse.” – Babe Toole
Kokani Running Despite Drought – DOW
The Colorado Division of Wildlife says kokani salmon snagging season is a go this fall despite the lingering drought. The agency praised The Brotherhood of Tomichi Ditch Riders for the “restitution of local color” but did not elaborate further. Offices in Gunnison (above photo) are still damp after a leak in a fourth floor swimming pool flooded the facility Friday. The pool, reserved for visiting dignitaries, is the only known rooftop collegiate swimming hole in Western Colorado and Eastern Utah. When the local volunteer fire department arrived, armed with hoses, ladders and nets, they had no option but to watch the commotion. Fortunately no tourists were on the street when the water gushed down.
Unnamed Peaks the Shame of the San Juans
(Ridgway) Abandoned to the elements from their tottering perches, bastards of convenience, tinkers of history, forgotten rocky remnants without so much as a tag of respectability. These are the nameless mountain peaks haunting our Southwest Colorado skyline. A wall of shame for all to see.
Labeled an embarrassment by every office seeker, civic leader and mountaineer, little has been accomplished to improve the status of these so-called “anonymous ones”. In fact, the subject remains an ultra-sensitive quagmire, often overlooked in the face of more demanding duties and the daily errands of Alpine survival, one not often introduced in polite circles. Hush-hush, you know.
Many residents say the problem could be put to rest by simply naming all the nameless peaks but this has been largely dismissed by purists who insist the names must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham. They say the names will mean nothing if concocted to fit a meaningless bill of fare. Quick-fix solutions are “phony and transparent”, they insist.
“The nomenclature of these sacred mountains must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham,” say the more literate assembled. “Branding these massive monolyths is not something to do half-ass. What of posterity? What of topographics?”
“It’s just whitewashing,” said Colonel (retired) Wilbur “Bull” Bulbous of Log Hill Mesa. “We who look fondly on these high points each day do not take their identity lightly. They should all have names but there must be lore — Meat behind the moniker and history behind the handle. These mountains must be celebrated, not simply be appointed, not dubbed.”
At present, several rather large peaks are cursed with a severe personality crisis. They are not victims of identity tampering since they never had a name in the first place. Yes, the Utes may have christened some of these unfortunates, but over time those ancient titles were trampled by prospector nicknames and mining routes established by mules and muckers.
“Astonishing,” said one alpineer upon return from the Wilson Range. “These giants just sit there deprived of verbal recognition, hidden genetics, even the most basic geological categorization.”
According to the most recent tally there are 38 named peaks in the San Juan Range, 14 unnamed, and an assortment of demeaning letter designations as well as a flurry of unhinged reference points all above 12,000 feet. In some places multiple pinnacles reach into the sky without names. Sometimes several mountains are clumped together with little hope of determining when and where continental plates might have collided, creating them.
“It’s a disgrace,” added other hikers and binocular enthusiasts. “They have been sentenced as infinite nobodies in a world that has forgotten the Paleozoic. It is nothing short of a snub.”
While Uncompahgre and Wilson Peak get constant accolades many deserving peaks in the San Juans do not even have a name to call their own (Toole Photo Service)
This sedimentary emergency is painfully acute in the more affluent escarpment that accommodates such massif monsters as Sneffels and Uncompahgre along those distinct ridge lines. Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of empty tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a teeming celestial harbor.
Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a celestial harbor.
We warn of failing infrastructure and ignore the pains of abandonment in our own backyards — We miss the magnificent tundra and overlook the splendor, not even exhibiting the common decency to give that mesmerizing rock a name.
“Repulsive”, added a well-groomed hiker who has been in these hills at least once. “Where is the transcendence and spiritual elevation?”
How dare we dismiss these gods, these steep, snow-capped luminaries. Where is our morality and sense of fair play? What about our obsession with justice for the underdog?
We fail to recognize greatness that stares one in the face every day. How can we, in our haste to name computer functions, and master corporate lingo, turn our backs on the natural pillars of an entire mountain range? These mountains have seen us come and go, not even as a novelty anymore. None seeks acclaim in a human sense, just a little notoriety.
– Uncle Pahgre
Vodka Nose Epidemic in Proportion Say Physicians
(Mao Clinic) Doctors here at this prestigious center of Western medicine, expressed concern today due to the rising incidence of Vodka Nose (probiscitus vodkatosis) in this country. The early stages of the medical condition, linked to the regular partaking of vodka concoctions, are not particularly dangerous but can be denigrating, giving birth to the unpleasant option of “cutting off one’s nose to spite his face.”
“Vodka Nose does not appear life threatening on its own although some of the symptoms can quickly develop into serious maladies,” said Dr. Simone Lacklustre, Director of Protruding and Copulatory Organs at Mao. “Plus it looks repugnant and unhealthy.”
Lacklustre described the condition as the swelling and abnormal growth of the nose often accompanied by purple skin shades and the presence of superficial or spider veins on the surface of the protuberance. She described the offensive blood vessels or arteries as having been artificially stimulated by the regular infusion of vodka to the system.
“Just because the vessels are not visible doesn’t mean the imbiber is above danger,” she continued. “We suggest that anyone who has ever taken a drink should come in for an exam, pay us a fee and start a gonzo pharmaceutical treatment plan. Then the person at risk will be officially under a doctor’s care and everything will be all right, unless of corpse they fall victim to the many side affects from the selected drugs.
The practitioner said herbal treatments, which she called voodoo, regular exercise and an organic diet will do nothing to cure Vodka Nose, and that drugs are the only path to good health in this, and every hygienic arena.
The preponderance of vodka nose in more advanced countries strongly suggests a relaxed attitude about this potentially disastrous disorder and a disregard for the symptomatology of the ailment. What may be the saddest aspect is that infirmity occurs from drinking a clear substance void of vitamins (sans lime) or nutrients of any kind.
In developing countries many people would like to have Vodka Nose, or more realistically at least, to be able to afford the syndrome. Social scientists think that the perception of an upwardly mobile status and the willingness to adopt globalization account for much of this trend.
Strangely enough there appears to be a high incidence of the condition within Muslim and Mormon enclaves suggesting that members of these sects enjoy falling off the wagon on a daily basis, despite punitive responses by their micro-social networks. Both groups attempt to combat these visible irregularities by either growing beards, donning burkhas or riding around on bicycles with brief cases.
Ramifications for the future, according to Lacklustre, are harsh. She projects that half of the planet’s population could suffer from Vodka Nose by the end of the century. With potato crops (and grain crops) booming in Poland and Russia and the absence of nutritional standards, Vodka Nose could become commonplace on continents like Africa and parts of Asia, with the coming of modernization. In addition, the recent dominance of the burger and fries mentality will undoubtedly lead to a more frightening disease, dubbed “Fast Food Nose”, which is directly linked to brain damage and the inability to make the right choices as to what is introduced to the body.
Dr. Pepper Nose was not discussed by Lacklustre.
Other doctors are less gloom and doom in their approach. They say one or two drinks per day may be beneficial. One prescription widely circulated in North America instructs enthusiasts to “take a break occasionally” and substitute whiskey or gin for vodka “every third day or so.” They are quick to add that unused portions of vodka can be employed as paint or nail polish remover in a pinch.
– Big Nose Kate
World Profanity Finals Set for September
(Oak Grove) The prestigious World Finals of the International Profanity Championships will be held on the Uncompahgre Plateau this fall. The contest, expected to draw nearly 6000 participants, has been purposely staged in a remote spot far from little ears according to sponsors.
This year’s theme “blasphemy comes from the grandest places” centers on idiomatic origins, ethnic diversion and everyday curse wrods in the Fertile Crescent. Phrases, as usual, count for more than one-word utterances while nouns and adjectives demand a higher status than adverbs and prepositions.
Gerunds, verbs functioning as ing nouns, will once again qualify in pole position. Creative blends of familiar lewdness remain in contention for honorable mention laurels.
One-syllable and multi-syllable categories will be included in what promises to be a creative time for all. Newly recognized bad words are acceptable entries so long as they exhibit logic, frustration, humor or a bona fide history.
A blue bonfire, into which attendees can throw all anal-retentive computer passwords collected over the past few years, will follow the contests.
-Uncle Phare
