All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Link Poised to cast deciding vote in caucus bottleneck
(Washington) The Missing Link could be in hot water this week, faced with casting a potentially deciding vote establishing the prominence of artificial intelligence in government.
One of thousands of Congressional committees, that has been studying UFOs, aliens, card tricks and trickle down fiscal theories could not come up with a majority and decided to yield The Link, a recognized expert on the subject.
A savior to some and a villain to others, The Link expressed surprise and concern that it would “all have to be up to me.” On the run from researchers and scientists for decades the Link has been forced to employ an array of disguises from Hitler to Little Bo Peep.
His tragic, often disjointed career as half super hero and half boogeymen, has further shrouded attempts to communicate with the authorities, landing him on the terrorist list in 2009. An illegal entry (to attend a favorite niece’s wedding) into the US culminated in a high-speed chase, roof-top escapades, a far-fetched alibi, a little mountainy know-how and a plethora of other hyphenated words.
Despite expensive police dragnets and a reward of over half a million dollars The Link remains on the lamb, enjoying life, eating out and romancing.
Although never serving at an elected post, The Link reportedly ran 15 democracies and 3 dictatorships between the Mystery Years (1956-1996) when he was believed to be living in Miami.
Readers are asked to contact police if they see anyone fitting the description of The Link.
-Small Mouth Bess
PUTIN Reportedly DEAD
(Queens, NY) Ukranian neighborhoods here are abuzz with rumors that Vladimir Putin is dead. Celebrations circulate the summer concrete heralding the blessed event. Plots drift from a vile of Cossack poison to a small Stalin-era detention device planted carefully amid his flowing boxers.
“Boom!” gestures a chubby Slavic shopkeeper smiling. “Boom!”
Some say he is already scoped out his resting place somewhere in the vast expanse of Siberia, next to Peter the Great and his beloved Russian chihuahua, Mao. Meanwhile happy funeral goers appear to be enjoying the exchanges of information, true or not.
Others say he stumbled on slippery 16th century Czarist tiles or fell off his secret, high-security throne. More creative accounts hold that he was repeatedly dunked in his bathwater by a swarthy Taliban assassin “until he drowned like a rat”.
This photo, reputedly smuggled out of Russia shows funeral of bigwig thought to be our friend Vladimir Putin.
Insiders insist he has been dead since early 2016.
“They have several autocratic guys who look like Putin, dress like Putin,” said a refugee from Crimea. “Think about it–Many of them look like Putin–White, bvalding, paranoid…Did I mention White?”
“Even his reputed girlfriend couldn’t tell the difference,” cackled one woman from her perch at a local bar.
She further contends that Soviet-like invasions have gone poorly because Russian munitions factories are cranking out foolish Cardboard cutouts of Russian leader instead of bullets.
“Putin was never top gun anyway.” says my golfing buddy, a serious student of living history.
He says if Putin had really been the Man he’d have been snuffed out by other mafia figures unhappy with his early performance in Ukraine.
These claims have been heatedly disputed by the Kremlin and locally by history department heads at Jerry Lewis University in Durango.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
George Santos has not been elected President
(Muttontown) Burgeoning rumors that George Santos has not been elected President of the United States were put to rest today when Joe Biden showed up for work again.
The first term Republican Congressman will be brought up on charges of fraud and money laundering with large strands of gullible ribbon and little white lies holding it all together.
Santos had no comment according to a report from unconfirmed sources from an undisclosed secret incarceration locale.
Meanwhile Santos sits in Congress entertaining lobbyist offers received from some of the nation’s most influential money people
We can confirm that George has accepted a position with Exxon but we do not know any more than that said one unreliable passerby.
“A disgrace to most Americans but a hero to us. What a salesman!”, said an undisclosed insider. “It’s almost like a lobbyist spot was the original plan. He just waltzed in through the sleeping porch.
-Rufus Maxwell
Public Service Announcement:
The new Dolores Dog Wash is not an Air B & B.
Please stop hounding us.
EGO TOURISM MAKES LANDFALL THIS SUMMER
Arriving on the heels of ecotourism, ego tourism is already making inroads despite the current snow depths and recent monsoons. According to the experts it all plays into the same idiocy as selfies and cosmetic surgery.
The bitterly acknowledged clean air industry allows outdoorsy clientele to be photographed next to a snow-capped 14er and yet look bigger and more important than the Goliath peak. Shorter customers might enjoy a wide-angle experience along a raging river bank sandbagged by egoists in muscle shirts and tight yoga pants, then monkeyed with to cover the rough spots.
“The idea is to apply, employ and document our client’s strong points,’ said ego tourism pioneer Irma Button.
“If someone wants to be swallowed by a trout that’s one challenge. If someone wants to run down a herd of elk they may have to do so on their own time.”
Fortunately most ego tourists stick to the daily menu of ladders and waterfalls, guard duty in full military regalia, 300-foot high dives and fighting badgers with cutlery.
“Discovering gold, hunting wooly mammoth, milking moose and parachuting from drones are often more expensive,” added Button, due to leaden inflation, access to Chinese props and the much publicized lifeguard shortage on public radio,” continued Button from a prepared text.
It is expected that privileged pariahs with time on their hands will line up for this new experience in lifestyle presence and trendy self-promotion*.
*If you are already larger than many of our parks and monuments please see our customized excursions for bigger groups.
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Designated Barbecue Zones Explained
(Montrose) In an attempt to reduce charcoal emissions in the Uncompahgre and Gunnison Valleys a strict design for designated barbecue days has been formulated for the good of us all. The system has been implemented so as to check smoke pollution and encourage general safety around the grill this spring.
This is how it works:
Residents and visitors whose named begin with letters A – L will be permitted to legally barbecue on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, while persons whose named begin with the letters M – Z will be restricted to cooking out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Sundays are open dates when everyone can barbecue since there is diminished pollution from commercial vehicles and industry in this fragile valley that day. The sponsors of this legislation acknowledged that the program limits the culinary enjoyment of the great outdoors but feel that cleaner air will result.
“We suggest that the citizenry construct a simple chart that clearly defines legal days to cook outside,” said Evelyn White-Fumo, of the Colorado Clean Air Consortium in Boulder. “If the dates are marked in red there should be no reason for confusion. We even have little red pens to give away complete with our logo and an emergency number in case of problems.”
The plan, called innovative by proponents and stupid by detractors is being enacted despite the failure of other similar programs. The pilot zone concept has worked well in the flatlands but never really took off at higher altitudes.
Fumo reminded armed backyard chefs to avoid cooking in the wind and to keep all firearms away from open flames.
“It’s a cultural thing,” continued White-Fumo, “since the season up here is shorter and people feel the need to take advantage of the expanded light.” – Sergio Tinkleholland
GOP EXHUMES IKE
(Gettysburg, PA) The Republican National Committee, searching for ways to defeat those Democrats in November, has confirmed rumors that it will exhume the remains of Dwight D Eisenhower prior to its, next national convention. In what was described as a drastic step by political watch dogs, the Republicans will then place Eisenhower on the autumn ticket with George Santos as the likely Vice Presidential candidate.
Although revolutionary, the move is expected to increase the chances for a Republican victory in November. Behind closed doors GOP frontmen are uncomfortable with the term revolutionary since it frightens and irritates their corporate bosses. Most expressed no faith in the electability of anyone at this juncture..
“Even if we nominate another TV personality the ticket would still lack credibility,” explained Melvin O’Toole, head carpenter of the 2012 platform. With Ike we have a proven winner who is respected and liked by everyone. I expect a lot of cross-over votes, especially in the senior citizen segment.
Toole went on to say that just because Ike had been gone for many years didn’t mean he couldn’t effectively run the country.
“Just look at Ronald Reagan,” suggested Toole, hammer in hand. “He ran the entire Washington circus for years with no visible life signs. He did a bang-up job unless you happened to be on the poor end of the economic scale. Wasn’t it Reagan that outspent the Russians, then exhumed the memories of Joseph Stalin and brought down the Soviet State!”
Meanwhile the ghost of Richard Nixon (Ike’s VP from 1952 – 1960) has petitioned his old party to consider him for the top spot, saying that he was still in touch with Spiro Agnew, Henry Kissinger and all the boys from Watergate.
“People forget,” said a spokesman for Nixon who demanded anonymity. Dick is here with us, at least in spirit.”
A man matching the description of Nixon has been seen loitering around outside GOP headquarters here since early November.
“If our plan works we can then run Calvin Coolidge in 2016. Now there was a man who could dazzle the voters,” he smiled.
– Warren Wanderlust
Bethlehem Innkeepers Still Jerks
Travel in the Mideast
We arrived at Quo Vadis International at noon on a hot desert afternoon, waiting another hour for the rickety bus to the tiny village of Bethlehem. All round us stood Israeli soldiers geared up for who knew what. It was mid-week during the slow season and we had made no reservations. Besides at this early hour we should have the pick of hotel rooms.
Despite the legacy of rude innkeepers in Bethlehem on the horizon, we boarded the bus feeling secure that we would find lodging. In about 40 minutes the bus stopped in front of a nice enough adobe-looking inn on the outskirts of the little town. Several travelers debarked to inquire about prices and availability. The bus driver was more than happy to wait. She smirked, for they would be right back. Sure enough she was right. The innkeeper apologized saying he had no rooms due to some sort of census that was being conducted all over the country. We traveled on.
The next decent place was right in the center of town. Convenient and welcoming it featured a no frills restaurant and a large shaded porch. It would have to do. Now as several of us departed, the driver giggled and pulled over to the side of the road. This time the innkeeper was downright rude. Ridiculing us for not having made reservations ahead he muttered something in contempt and slammed down the shutters. We were now back on the bus with the driver still laughing at us for what now clearly appeared to be poor planning.
One fellow traveler, a Frenchman from Marseille, lamented on the brisk behavior of the innkeepers here. He was certain that they had inherited their manners from Roman times when they first began this accommodation charade. He told us that on his last trip to Bethlehem he had asked at several inns before settling in for the night in a vacant stable on the west side of town. Despite the continued parade of visitors and the presence of livestock he slept well.
Well that was enough.
“Let’s dispense with all this tomfoolery and proceed to that very spot,” we agreed.
Unfortunately when we arrived it became apparent that someone else, a young family with a newborn child had beaten us to the punch. We then specified our search in spite of the irritation of it all.
For more please turn to Joseph Gets Screwed on Endorsements out in the hall
