All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Pea Green’s hemp-fed cows get buzz

“They just seem happier”

Local bovine that are eating hemp seem happier, more ambitious and quite well grounded, with an improved appetite say unreliable ag-sources. Although there is no discernible level of thc in the crop the animals seem more upbeat according persons knowledgable on the subject.

Beginning as an accident last spring, the change in diet has been lauded by cattlemen who say hemp is fortified with essential cow vitamins is often cheaper than hay in the long run. 

The folks over at the Lazy P Ranch, were first in creating the sustainable project, backed both by the Nature Compliance and Region Zen. Others followed suit.

“It seems to me the critters already eat like pigs. They’ve had a love of the pasture and its edible treasures since your mother was a boy, said one bored observer. “Who is talking better appetites here? Give me shelter,” he spat.

The trapdoor experiment linked to a fouled doctoral thesis has lead to combine break downs and concubines walking out. Aside from fiscal and husbandry concerns the fishwives have it pretty good already according to recent surveys.

One of these creatures, Mercurial Menendez, defensive canner and award-winning flan sculptor told The Horseshoe that the cows out there seem happier. I spend a good six hours a day watching them eat. I should know.”

At the county level nobody’s mooing as bureaucrats scramble to verify that the hemp is legal and determine how to tax the ancient crop.

-Grace O’Malley

Many Rockies Embrace Vegetarianism

In what appears to be a soft-sided protest against the owners of the franchise, many Rockies players have turned to vegetarianism. The primarily symbolic change-up in eating lifestyle comes after another year dawns without suitable pitching and with no plan to upgrade.

Controlling interest in the team is held by the Monfort Brothers, Charles and Dick, also known as “the meat men” in cynical circles on and off Blake Street. Starting with a few head of cattle during the Great Depression the Monfort family built an extensive meat empire centered at Greely, Colorado.

Along with several other minority stockholders the family acquired the Colorado Rockies baseball franchise from Mickey Monus in 1992. The latter had become embroiled in scandals related to the shady corporate pharmaceutical dealings and off-loaded the team.

“It began with meatless team meetings and burgeoned into vegan batting practice and games of pepper sans steak. Now it appears to be a subtle revolt against bad pitching and horrible management decisions. (Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story for starters).

Despite the best fans in baseball the bosses are still dragging their feet, desperately signing washed up sluggers and sub-par players to disguise their incompetence. The Rockies have consistently underperformed and, although the farm system has shined, have failed to create a winning culture in the Mile High City. While Denver sportswriters whine and fans fume, the players have been chewing on tofu and brown rice along with assorted fruits and vegetables that had been missing from the training table until recently.

How much of it is political is anyone’s guess.

Sleepy (but nice guy) Manager Bud Black, was brushed back by the development. He called it a passing fancy but a puffy administration has raised the red flag saying the players could eat what they liked as long as they kept their mouths shut on upstairs business.

“We’ve already seen the entire infield go vegan,” said one middle management source. “What are we supposed to do, sit idly by the hot dog stand while the whole team chows down on Poori-Sabzi and falafel? They’ll never survive the weight room without red-blooded protein! This not some vague fielder’s choice. This is a threat to the game.”

In an alleged attempt to steer the movement off course the Monforts have agreed to host an information night called The Humane Slaughterhouse sometime before the All-star break. Meal vouchers start at $150 not counting beer. Season ticket holders are invited free of charge.

“We’ll be carefully screening future prospects so as to spot potential troublemakers on and off the field,” said yet another team administrator. “If they don’t eat hot dogs there is no place for them on our roster.”

 -Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

Perfume spill shuts down shipping along Choco’

(Buenaventura) A massive offshore cologne spill here has crippled shipping along the entire Pacific Coast with the worse affects from Tulaco to Guapi in the south, and up north on the open shoreline near Arusi and Pizarro.

The spill, traced to a ship from Cologne, covered an area twice the size Ecuador and could threaten the Galapagos Islands.

“Imagine gallon upon gallon of an unnatural fragrance interfacing with giant tortoises, marine iguanas, flightless cormorants and even a Darwin finch or two,” said Howie “Old” Spice, Director of Direction Shifting Sands on the timeless, often mysterious chain.

The Galapagos Islands, one thousand kilometers off the shore of SA , have been called the showcase of evolution due to a population of rare species that have thrived here for centuries.

This morning, the spill is flowing south in a smooth stream. Weather gals in Guayaquil say the perfume could link up with the Humboldt Current and destroy the planet by the weekend. Scientists fear it could take months to remove the offending discharge. Neutralizing the floral scent could take years.

The alleged destination of the perfume tanker was Colombia, a nation that consumes over 2000 gallons of cologne per week…and that’s just the men.

“You can catch the odor of aftershave anywhere you go here,” said Spice. “The aroma is detectible to the trained nose in a coffee shop, on the plaza or even from a passing motorcycle. When mixed with rum or aguardiente it can be quite intoxicating.”

Many of the animals living on the Galapagos chain have successfully avoided the full brunt of the intrusion, moving to the other side of the islands and burrowing into the sands.

“Most people think the perfume merchants should pay for the damages,” said Spice, “but I see some benefits in the big picture. Let’s face it, he smiled, “ 100-year old tortoise  can’t smell all that good anyway.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

DeSantis sends guard into Never-Never Land in Disney Row

(Orlando) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today instructed the National Guard to take possession of Never-Never Land. Furthermore he has threatened to occupy Fantasyland and Tomorrowland unless the Disney Corporation bows to his demands regarding solidarity and operational status within the state. 

Saying that Never-Never Land was abandoned years ago DeSantis, a Republican, is angry that “elements within the Disney structure have rebelled against the sitting government.”

Critics of DeSantis say he is pissed after being flanked by attorneys for Disney.

“He’s just another bully with a big mouth and no concrete ideas for the people of Florida,” said Ashrisa Washington, a Democrat from Jacksonville. 

Rumors that Goofy and Mini Mouse are being held hostage somewhere in the Everglades were repudiated this afternoon.

What is true, however, is the Disney showcasing of a new ride where both DeSantas and former President Donald Trump are swallowed up by massive seaweed bilge that threatened the Sunshine State last month.  

-Pepper Salte

“The bullpen has been a little bit inconsistent, for sure,” 

– Rockies manager Bud Black.

Sanctions on Kim Jong-un’s hair lauded

(Pyongyang) Relatively obscure sanctions on Kim John-un’s hair by the US and its allies today received the glowing support of by Seoul Barber’s Union.

Cutting edge hairdressers in the south were quick to welcome fiscal restrictions placed on North Korean leaders following a barrage of missile testing in the Sea of Japan.

“The nuclear tests are one thing,” said a spokesperson for the powerful follicle guild that claims over a million members. “But that haircut!”

Sources indicate a growing resentment of Kim’s hairstyle in both nations on the Korean Peninsula.

It was not clear what ramifications the measure might have here, Crippled critics of the regime say most of its population cannot afford even a trim while counterparts in the south enjoy all the comforts of regular hair hygiene.

“Business is booming even in the small villages in the south,” said the spokesperson. “We have gone to great lengths to separate ourselves from the North Korean dictator. “We don’t want people in the international community to think his hair was our idea in any way, shape or form.”

-Susie Compost

Bishopric Broke After Bevy of Abuse Suits

The Diocese of Albany (NY) has filed for bankruptcy over unending lawsuits regarding Catholic priests molesting young boys. The Vatican, executive director of the world cult, is one of the world’s wealthiest entities. It was not known if this same ecclesiastical power broker would come to the aid of its minions. 

Apostolic opinion indicates fears that if the legal battles continue, the Vatican would have to follow suit and seek protection under Chapter 11 or leave town and “start over where real estate was cheaper”. 

There was no serious talk about the diocese registering as a sex offender. Despite desperate cover-ups and outright denials by the stiff-collared pontificators, it is clear that all of th priests did not engage in such depraved activities. 

Big Church bosses have alluded to selling off ancient treasures, relics and even holy water  or “it’s back to oatmeal for the Cardinals,” according to one defrocked penitent. Over the years The Vatican has amassed mounds of priceless art due to questionable acquisition much like the Nazis did before and during World War II. 

“The loot could be auctioned off to wealthy non-Catholics who, of course, will be going to hell due to their rejection of the true faith,” said an unconfirmed source in Rome. “Then with patience and persistence Catholics on their way to heaven could recover the riches piecemeal at the gates of hell. Then after a few centuries we’d get out stuff back from the infidels.”

Few clerics agreed with this appraisal, maintaining the ancient line of ascension to the throne and Papal infallibility. Others say that it’s high time to ‘fess up and admit that they had made the whole thing up as a means to control their flocks and fleece them who nobody was looking.

“It was a good run and damned lucrative. The Jews got the balls rolling and we took it from there,” said the source.

-Kashmir Horseshoe