All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Colona Demands Variance
Designated clairvoyants in Colona are demanding a variance calling for relocation of Colona and a rewind of Highway 550. They say the increased intrusions of the modern world are a threat to the fragile and protected Wildcat Creek Cultural Zone — past, present and future.
“We need to distance ourselves from deep state asphalt, traffic noise, chuckholes, rogue moose, cheeky flatlanders and shallow thinking on these matters,” snapped a Committee for Public Safety member. “We won’t rest until the powers that be in the county lend an era to our undertaking.”
“Any diversion as to the quantity equal to the square of the standard deviation could set off a mad skedaddle for safety nets,” said a county official. “Do you think we’re just gonna sit here and let our black sheep cousin dictate policy?”
Colona is now officially at variance with other hamlets, real and imagined, in the region.
“CDOT Maps and documents are not cohesive with Uncompahgre topo maps or what the river does in the middle of the night when everyone is fast asleep,” explained the architect of the specified variance* requests. “After a century of digging there may be man-made cirques, deep shafts and meandering stope excavations under the whole valley. What happens when it all caves in? Colona seeks to be on the right side of history here.”
“If we can’t get the attention of them up in Ouray we’ll join the West End,” he cranked. “That’ll fix their wagons.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Former Nuggets sixth man, Bruce Brown, is slated to earn $44 million on a two-year contract with the Pacers: $100,000 to play basketball the remaining salary ($43,900,000 for living in Indianapolis).
“Basically the purpose of life is happiness.”
– Dalai Lama
*A variance is a way that cities may allow an exception to part of a zoning ordinance. It is a permitted departure from strict enforcement of the ordinance as applied to a particular piece of property. A variance is generally for a dimensional standard (such as setbacks or height limits). A variance allows the landowner to break a dimensional zoning rule that would otherwise apply.
Link Poised to cast deciding vote in caucus bottleneck
(Washington) The Missing Link could be in hot water this week, faced with casting a potentially deciding vote establishing the prominence of artificial intelligence in government.
One of thousands of Congressional committees, that has been studying UFOs, aliens, card tricks and trickle down fiscal theories could not come up with a majority and decided to yield The Link, a recognized expert on the subject.
A savior to some and a villain to others, The Link expressed surprise and concern that it would “all have to be up to me.” On the run from researchers and scientists for decades the Link has been forced to employ an array of disguises from Hitler to Little Bo Peep.
His tragic, often disjointed career as half super hero and half boogeymen, has further shrouded attempts to communicate with the authorities, landing him on the terrorist list in 2009. An illegal entry (to attend a favorite niece’s wedding) into the US culminated in a high-speed chase, roof-top escapades, a far-fetched alibi, a little mountainy know-how and a plethora of other hyphenated words.
Despite expensive police dragnets and a reward of over half a million dollars The Link remains on the lamb, enjoying life, eating out and romancing.
Although never serving at an elected post, The Link reportedly ran 15 democracies and 3 dictatorships between the Mystery Years (1956-1996) when he was believed to be living in Miami.
Readers are asked to contact police if they see anyone fitting the description of The Link.
-Small Mouth Bess
PUTIN Reportedly DEAD
(Queens, NY) Ukranian neighborhoods here are abuzz with rumors that Vladimir Putin is dead. Celebrations circulate the summer concrete heralding the blessed event. Plots drift from a vile of Cossack poison to a small Stalin-era detention device planted carefully amid his flowing boxers.
“Boom!” gestures a chubby Slavic shopkeeper smiling. “Boom!”
Some say he is already scoped out his resting place somewhere in the vast expanse of Siberia, next to Peter the Great and his beloved Russian chihuahua, Mao. Meanwhile happy funeral goers appear to be enjoying the exchanges of information, true or not.
Others say he stumbled on slippery 16th century Czarist tiles or fell off his secret, high-security throne. More creative accounts hold that he was repeatedly dunked in his bathwater by a swarthy Taliban assassin “until he drowned like a rat”.
This photo, reputedly smuggled out of Russia shows funeral of bigwig thought to be our friend Vladimir Putin.
Insiders insist he has been dead since early 2016.
“They have several autocratic guys who look like Putin, dress like Putin,” said a refugee from Crimea. “Think about it–Many of them look like Putin–White, bvalding, paranoid…Did I mention White?”
“Even his reputed girlfriend couldn’t tell the difference,” cackled one woman from her perch at a local bar.
She further contends that Soviet-like invasions have gone poorly because Russian munitions factories are cranking out foolish Cardboard cutouts of Russian leader instead of bullets.
“Putin was never top gun anyway.” says my golfing buddy, a serious student of living history.
He says if Putin had really been the Man he’d have been snuffed out by other mafia figures unhappy with his early performance in Ukraine.
These claims have been heatedly disputed by the Kremlin and locally by history department heads at Jerry Lewis University in Durango.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
George Santos has not been elected President
(Muttontown) Burgeoning rumors that George Santos has not been elected President of the United States were put to rest today when Joe Biden showed up for work again.
The first term Republican Congressman will be brought up on charges of fraud and money laundering with large strands of gullible ribbon and little white lies holding it all together.
Santos had no comment according to a report from unconfirmed sources from an undisclosed secret incarceration locale.
Meanwhile Santos sits in Congress entertaining lobbyist offers received from some of the nation’s most influential money people
We can confirm that George has accepted a position with Exxon but we do not know any more than that said one unreliable passerby.
“A disgrace to most Americans but a hero to us. What a salesman!”, said an undisclosed insider. “It’s almost like a lobbyist spot was the original plan. He just waltzed in through the sleeping porch.
-Rufus Maxwell
Public Service Announcement:
The new Dolores Dog Wash is not an Air B & B.
Please stop hounding us.
EGO TOURISM MAKES LANDFALL THIS SUMMER
Arriving on the heels of ecotourism, ego tourism is already making inroads despite the current snow depths and recent monsoons. According to the experts it all plays into the same idiocy as selfies and cosmetic surgery.
The bitterly acknowledged clean air industry allows outdoorsy clientele to be photographed next to a snow-capped 14er and yet look bigger and more important than the Goliath peak. Shorter customers might enjoy a wide-angle experience along a raging river bank sandbagged by egoists in muscle shirts and tight yoga pants, then monkeyed with to cover the rough spots.
“The idea is to apply, employ and document our client’s strong points,’ said ego tourism pioneer Irma Button.
“If someone wants to be swallowed by a trout that’s one challenge. If someone wants to run down a herd of elk they may have to do so on their own time.”
Fortunately most ego tourists stick to the daily menu of ladders and waterfalls, guard duty in full military regalia, 300-foot high dives and fighting badgers with cutlery.
“Discovering gold, hunting wooly mammoth, milking moose and parachuting from drones are often more expensive,” added Button, due to leaden inflation, access to Chinese props and the much publicized lifeguard shortage on public radio,” continued Button from a prepared text.
It is expected that privileged pariahs with time on their hands will line up for this new experience in lifestyle presence and trendy self-promotion*.
*If you are already larger than many of our parks and monuments please see our customized excursions for bigger groups.
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