All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
AYN RAND RETURNS?
A woman claiming to be the author, Ayn Rand allegedly appeared to shepherds on Corkscrew Pass this morning asking for water and directions to Ouray. She was accompanied by a Russian Wolfhound and wearing an ill-fitting pair of bib overalls said to be the property of John Galt, a character in one of her novels.
“We didn’t know what to make of the visit since none of us knew who she was and what she looked like,” said one herdsman. “She shrugged it off and explained her connection to Red Mountain and Saint Germain in particular.
Later, half-way through a bottle of plum wine she referenced shark-barrel economics through the rose-colored glasses of objectivism and encouraged the shepherds to invest their money wisely, since personal credibility is strongly linked to one’s financial success.
“She claims to have returned from the dead, continued the herdsman. She told us there is no heaven and certainly no hell.”
“They are here inside your punkin head,” she had laughed. “The afterlife is is very disappointing even to an atheist. There is not much, only miles and miles of empty handicapped parking spaces.”
Inmates in a nearby Trump camp have come out to support Ayn…MAGA sheep too are big fans of her selfish and debauched philosophies… that hoard while negating the big picture. Many even see her as a viable running mate for their beloved.
Meanwhile local Democrats worry that President Biden cannot even beat a failed gangster who, if elected, may have to rely on work release so as to come visit the Oval Office.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Yeah, just make up the bed, get rid of these bottles and send the boy for another jug of rum.”
– Fred Zeppelin, waking up in a strange hotel room sumultaneously surviving the mid-day heat at Praia Criacao, Trancoso, Bahia, Brasil
Black will not replace Biden for next debate say Ranking Dems
Is Warshington Burning?
Suggestions that Colorado Rockies’ manager Bud Black replace President Joe Biden in the second Presidential Debate were vehemently shouted down by the radical cashew and pecan gallery here.
Rumors gaining steam in the House openly predicted that Black, who claims no political affiliation, would stand-in for the president on September 10. Citing what they called a befuddled disconnect during the last debate, many say GOP challenger Donald Trump relied on madcap lies, raging misrepresentation and brutish fearmongering , to plow through the less than enchanting evening, His unhinged approach seemed to impress many voters compared to general disappointment voiced by the Biden people.
Frighteningly enough it appears the switch was percolated by the fact that the two men look alike and little more. Biden never played top tier baseball and Black’s political aspirations hit a wall in a student council election in high school. Black is much younger, at 66, than either of the frontrunners, and, according to attending physicians, much healthier.*
Black’s career winning percentage is below .500 while Biden’s approval rating hovers and hobbles at around 43%. Neither are known felons.
Yes the dozing electorate may still be asleep. Most expressed deep-seated frustration with the choices of the two leading political parties…two old white men. One is over-the-hill and gazing upwards, while the other believes he is on the top of the same hill, looking down. One not quite saying enough and the other never shutting up.
Meanwhile GOP stalwarts are praising the Lord, stampeding sheep and moving ahead with gerrymandering. The culmination of which is the exhuming of former Commander-in-Chief, Dwight Eisenhower to replace Trump on stage if the latter cannot get work release from prison. Eisenhower is seen by many as the last honest Republican (Jimmy Carter the last Democrat in this capacity) and could work well in today’s jumbled and angry political arena.
Neither Biden, Black or Eisenhower returned our phone messages Thursday.
*Black has never spent a weekend in Dover and does not eat fast food.
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
Sister Planet Load of Crap says Montrose Planner
Cosmic Relations Flimsy Front For Water Piracy?
Satanic Cult Denied Liquor License
Special Events Permit Still Being Considered
Boneland Security Defends Trash Checks
Situation Tense as Dumps Reopen
Flood Waters Spare Crested Butte
Wild Flower Exchange Could Lessen Trade Deficits
Toilet Paper Shipment Lost on Norwood Hill
Truck Driver Jumps – Bear Enjoy Brush With Luxury
Rockies Hope to Stay Out of Foul Trouble After Ninth
Greedy management turns off once loyal fans
Say Hey Kid Passes
One of the greats passes at 93
Missing Link White House Bid Picking up Momentum
In what political scientists are calling the jolt of the election year, the Missing Link has methodically paced the pack and currently commands an estimated 22% of the Presidential vote.
Scientists and government officials seek to seize the Missing Link so as to study the genetic connection between man and money.
According to recent polls and leaning precincts the primate’s White House bid looked shaky just months ago before the elusive fugitive from justice began slamming the airwaves with ads and carefully campaigning by train and tugboat.
His quirky bid has picked ups steam in unlikely domains in what were once seen as staunch conservative regions while endorsements pour in from improbable alliances. Geneticists, behavioral scientists and zoologists have expressed support saying the Missing Link is younger than the two frontrunners and impartial in the burgeoning world of partisan politics.
And the campaign just announced that it had raised over 4 million dollars since the Link declared his candidacy. 90% of these funds will not be blown on marketing and glad-handing but rather used to feed hungry people all over the planet.
Plus he is a master at swinging from tree to tree, a talent that might come in handy if he is elected.
“Once either of the major parties got wind of this share the wealth socialism the Link was dropped from consideration as a feasible candidate,” said one Washington pundit. “Radical ideas don’t win elections. Money does.”
-Fred Zeppelin
GET A JUMP START ON THE SUMMER WITH KASHMIR’S COCKTAILS
Sick of slamming beers or sipping gin and tonics with a wedge of lime on a hot afternoon? You’re not? Perfect. Here then are some indigenous alcoholic offerings to see you through those tough days at work or the lonely hours before the welfare check arrives.
GIN AND RUNOFF. Why waste perfectly good bottled drinking water when there’s a parasitic stream nearby. After about six of these babies everyone will be in the pool. You can bet on it! Make sure to rinse the sand and gravel out of the pitcher on each application. We suggest a cheap gin served in a martini glass or a plastic cup.
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. Somewhat radical in application but certain to satisfy. Can be made with rum or gin for a summer treat but generally concocted with Russian vodka straight out of the trough. Allow basic ingredients to mellow for at least three hours before consumption. Beats the hell out of most of Mr. Boston’s offerings and/or the manufactured wine cooler. A-9 on our map.
TROUT AND TONIC. When will it all end? This is another stream-side cocktail preferred by thirsty fishermen everywhere. Make sure to get the hook out before chugging! Dip your catch in a glass of tonic, garnish, then enjoy. Only 300 calories per fish!
THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR COOLER. A regional favorite especially along the Mason-Dixon Line, this mixture demands a shot of Southern Comfort with a bottle of Narraganset lager. First: Open the Narraganset. Smell that aroma. Take a swallow (swaller if you are in a border state). Then quickly refill that empty space with the Southern Comfort. After a few of these you’ll look like a southern belle lobster on ‘ludes. Hey it’s summer. You’re reasonably young. Hangovers always go away.
MINT JULEP W/ SIDE OF GRITS. This is the one they’re raving on about in Oxford, Mississippi! Sure, it’s just the old standby with a mint leaf clinging to a long-stemmed party glass but the grits…They say it all, y’all. Show your friends that being an afternoon lush can be amusing as well as tasteful. We suggest low cholesterol grits which can be had at any progressive liquor outlet.
JACK DANIELS AND ASPARAGUS JUICE. Made popular at the Crested Butte Athletic Club. It offers a nice kick while remaining on the healthy side of life. For a special treat add a splash of ditch water and top off with your favorite pollen.
ROAD KILL COLADA. Are you short of ice? This one can be enjoyed hot or cold on or off the highway. Just add your favorite mix. Suggestions are prairie dog and pineapple, magpie slush and blended venison grog.
HULA-HOOP TEA. Combine gin, bourbon, rum, scotch, vodka, brandy, cream de menthe and top off with imported beer. Imbibers will soon jump through hoops or anything else nearby.
LOAF OF BREAD AND A JUG OF MILK. This is simply a shot and a beer and has been a code word for sneaky sippers needing to get out of the house since Oliver Cromwell was a boy..
We hope you will experiment with all of these somewhat delicious KASHMIR COCKTAILS and effectively fall off your bar stool long before the leaves fall off the trees. Note: These drinks can be served in a non-alcoholic state by substituting yogurt and/or sprouts for the booze. Vegetarians are instructed to call the Wyoming Beef Council before digging as hidden underground cable could define the availability of crushed ice.
Master Algonquian with the Yaocomaco on St Mary’s Peninsula, Maryland. Two and six week courses now forming.
Includes meals and fishing gear. Greene Exit. Keep left.
