All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Fish found in drinking water
(Ridgway) Trout, kokanee and other suspicious species of fish have been discovered in the town’s drinking water sending shock waves all the way to Denver. The intruders, some up to an arm’s length, have apparently called the pond home since railroad days.
“This is really nothing to worry about,” said one town planner. “Fish belong in water. That’s where they live.”
Despite continued reassurances, town crews were seen on the shore netting and chumming away this afternoon. Apprehended fish are to be detained at the local second hand shop where they will be sold to consumers. Other seized aquatic vertebrates are expected to remain incarcerated in cold storage until suitable homes can be found or relocation procedures are adapted at the highest levels of town gov’ment.
“If the state finds out we are harboring fish in our water supply we could lose funding for water purification,” said one planner. “Then we’d all be forced to drink gin.”
Many residents fear contamination of the water due to the curious fish population that has taken up residency. Some fear that fish could flow from the tap or clog pipes causing freezing on colder nights.
“Ick,” said one newly arrived transient from San Miguel County. “To think I’ve been drinking this water with those slimy fish swimming around in it!”
Although fish are quite normal in ponds such as this, the town has taken progressive, quantitative steps to rid the water of visitors of all types.
“We’ve considered boiling the town’s drinking water after we catch all the fish that live in it,” explained another planner. “That approach is being discussed as well as a plan to move the schools to strategic ponds in order to minimize the influence of radical fish believed to be moving freely within the general population.
“Our efforts in no way impose a threat to friendly fish or other species caught up in this recent disclosure,” continued the town source. “Fish that cooperate with the investigation have nothing to fear.”
Meanwhile bait sales have skyrocketed as vigilante groups, fearful of an end to the status quo here, have begun dropping lines from Blue Lakes to Cow Creek. Many volunteer anglers have converged on Ridgway Reservoir yesterday to show solidarity with the Lake Trout believed to be hiding there.
“We appreciate their concern,” said the planner, “but that water is consumed down valley in Montrose and Delta and does not affect our situation. Those communities have their own issues to deal with and the comings and goings of fish are not a high priority at this time.” – Small Mouth Bess
“Your knights appear yo be quite dazed.” – Joan of Arc
FIRST FLY OF ’24 SIGHTED
(Montrose) The first documented fly sighting of 2024 was registered by Zorro Desplants, of Delta who spotted the little buzzer near Colona Bros. Feedlot north of town. Desplants, of 67 Spider Street claims to have observed the insect on March 3 and, despite taking his good time to make his official claim, he still wins the bingo tickets, the RV jacket and the dog food. These prizes were provided by the local welcome wagon.
“I was driving south, or was it north, on Highway 50 near the dog pound when the little fly buzzed into my cracked passenger window and made life miserable for my pet marmots and I,” said Desplants, a tear forming in his one good eye. “That’s when I decided to act and nailed the culprit with a rolled up issue of The Montrose Daily Press. It was a mess.”
DesPlants a, a retired sloth trainer told The Horseshoe that the experience brought back memories of his days working in the white slave trade in Freedonia.
“The cattle drives always brought out the tough-guy flies,” said DesPlants, almost to tears again, “but we were ready for them. I hate to smash the little fellas but it was all that military training that caused the reaction. Besides that he tried to fly up my nose and at one point even walked across my can of beer. I hate bugs walking on my drinks.”
-Uncle Pahgre
Congress Accidentally Suspends Pay
In the most recent attempt to avoid a fiscal shutdown of someone’s federal gov’ment the Senate and House have succeeded in cutting their own throats, in a fiscal sense.
Passing throngs of mindless legislation of late, the governing body has mistakenly separated its very own elected officials from financial lifelines, and terminated paychecks. The pecuniary stoppage of expected compensation affects both the Senate and the House of Reprehensibles.
Treasury Department officials confirmed that the paychecks will remain in limbo until the presiding body balances the federal budget and effectively combats future government shutdowns.
“We won’t be eligible to get next check for what could be quite a while,” said one senator from Florida.
“Thankfully we are all rich otherwise we’d be sleeping on the street or in our cars like many of our fellow Americans,” said a Congressperson from Missouri.
Insiders suggest that the legislators will simply lean on lobbyists, family connections and even unionization to survive the recent setback and maintain access to the proverbial cookie jar.
For a related post see
“Hurricane Congress Downgraded
to Tropical Storm” on Lifestyles at Risk
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the generically enhanced Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night.
The presence of sound-track mirth, invented in the early Fifties and once considered an integral part of the Americana Experience, has been determined to be far too diverse for the consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who point and laugh at the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard but we’d like to see a populace not reliant on mindless prompts. Sheep are not known for guffawing. We need people who can decide when to laugh and what to laugh about. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the popular giggle and hooting season have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited.
– Melvin Toole
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
KITCHEN KIOSK
DELICIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES
FROM DAY-OLD SUSHI
page 21
Keeping Oysters Alive in the Raw
in Kitchen Witch
COOKWARE AS WEAPON
A SWING AND A PRAYER
in Recipe Heaven
Instant Mashed Potatoes
The Ugly Lie Behind the Fluff
in The Milk Man Cometh
FUN WITH WHIPPED CREAM
AND HAND GRENADES
page 40
Next time:
More Cooking from Cannes
…Why arrange the silverware without it?
Respected Editor Is Illiterate Says Publisher
(Colona) Retired news hound, Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole “faced adversity at every turn” according to one newsroom boss. The 60-year vet, who retired Wednesday at 101, could not and still cannot read.
“How he manipulated the printed page with such glaring inadequacies is anyone’s guess,” added the boss. “He brought donuts to work almost every day and his coworkers seemed to have forgiven him his grammatical sins.”
He has had trouble with menus, eye tests, road signs, subtitles, cereal boxes, topo maps, grafiti, and reportedly cannot even read his own birth certificate,” said the editor, “but he could verbally shout out crisp, grabbing heads, one after the other, after grasping the gist of a story.”
“You gotta give it to him,”said the editor. “He never let on that he could not read and his moves around the copy desk assured us all that he was on top of things. Once the publishing industry moved into the digital age he was home free.”
Sources close to O’Toole explained the dilemma in that the stumbling scribe quit school to sell newspapers on the street at age 12 and was simply too busy to learn his letters.
Grateful thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned and Edward and Red Herring for contributing to this report
“Why have so many people joined — and stayed in — a personality cult built around a man who poses an existential threat to our nation’s democracy and is also personally a complete blowhard?”
– Paul Krugman, NY Times
