All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

“I probably had it coming”

With Uncle Pahgre

Sitting in the fading light of Rio Sucio, Colombia (an ultra-charming spot, despite the name) looking at pines anchored by palm trees and thinking about Colorado. With me is a 37-year-old parrot named Edgar, who finally stopped yelling “Martha!” when I agreed to join him on the veranda. Then he simply muttered Martha over and over again in a detached grovel and  diluted decibel. Colombians need parrots around just in case things should get dangerously silent for a mill-second, a totally unacceptable and awkward state of affairs. Unbridled quiet could lead to whispers or even the loss of face in this warm, albeit high pitch culture. Parrots insure that the noise levels will remain intact even during siesta.

Nutabe Hypoglyphics, believed to have been brought to the US by a Colombian anthropologist in 2016 foretell the arrival of a pagan saint named Flimflamm, a narcissistic demagogue originating from what appears to be a Queens or Beans or maybe Liens. The remainder of the writing is smeared and looks to have been altered. On the bottom there is a clear line of ascendency from privileged birth to stolen erections.

Talks of the Great Ohio Pox and whether or not it is sinful for the leader of the free world to copulate with a porn star while his wife was (presumably at home) pregnant. Isn’t this exactly what these pseudo-religious  ruffians say exemplifies all that is wrong with the nation? Weird?

Meanwhile we buttonholed JD Vance*:

Horseshoe: So do you think it’s OK to have sex with a porn star while one’s wife is home pregnant?

Vance: It depends if it happens in Kentucky or Ohio.

*Vance, of no relation to Cyrus Vance, is firmly against inoculations with the exception of his own serum.

Just in: Be advised that tattoos of all kinds, no matter how small and meaningless, remain banned in heaven, its territories and possessions. This includes any pen-work, crayon, water-color, facsimile, impression, or etching, even religious ones. People with tattoos on their soul will be detained for questioning by the Being Police and subject to cloud-sharing and weekends in Purgatory. The anti- tattoo action was drummed into a permanence despite the absence of a quorum which might have included saints and sinners. Theologic historians are of the opinion that since tattoos are not mentioned, even once, in Christian-Judaeo Bibles they have no eternal function. “We don’t know much,” twirled one leading academia, “but we’re pretty sure none of the Apostles exhibited even a faded trace of “Mom”. There were unlikely any arm and chest murals in ink, or traditional biker nostalgia. If you don’t buy that just look at the painting of the Last Supper,” said one source at a pagan university a few miles away.

Dems y GOP flock to persuade the only undecided voter in the country that they deserve this final vote. The last remaining voting booth holdout, Phil A. Busterfeld, cannot make up his mind. “We never had this material in high school civics,” he cried. “Red ties or designer pants suits? Like who are their favorite football teams and what do they eat for lunch?

Information Roundup: Horses evolved in the Americas around four million years ago, but by about 10,000 years ago, they had mostly disappeared from the fossil record, per accepted conversation. Spanish settlers likely first brought horses back to the Americas in 1519, when Hernán Cortés arrived on the continent in Mexico.

Now friendlies? NFL shady attempts to sell the pre-season games as friendlies taking a cue from the futbal/soccer world. There is nothing friendly about assassins dressed up in helmets and brightly colored uniforms colliding while the gouged and drooling coliseum mob goes ballistic.

THAT’S A LOT OF BLACK ON ASPHALT Colorado’s morbid license plates should be on a funeral cavalcade at the rear end of a hearse on the way to the grave. What happened to the green? Did it stroll the way of the Rockies’ clown uniform? Is the black aimed at promoting the dead-in-the-water coal industry? Did the meat men buy the rights to the mountains silhouetted against the green? These black license plates are Raideresque at best and I don’t like it one iota!

Translating Trumpese

Attacks on others saying they are doing exactly what The Donald and his minions are engaged in, but turned up a notch. For example: Trump says election was stolen: definition pro-Trump county officials were caught tampering with voting machines.

Crime is rampant: defined-crime was worse on my watch because I wasn’t paying attention to anything that didn’t benefit ME.

Putin likes me: Putin thinks I am a roll-over doll.

We support Israel: It’s easier to funnel campaign contributions into my businesses if we love the Israelis no matter what they do to the Palestinians.

Make American Great Again: The wealth of this country must remain in the hands of the wealthy so the poor do not spend all that cash just surviving.

Liberal propaganda: Anything that does not benefit Trump and his leagues of loyal toadies.

We will build a border wall: to keep out vile criminals like ourselves who look different. Definition: We will do nothing but talk, bilk our supporters and stoke the fear.

-compiled by Tommy Middlefinger

France Contests Louisiana Purchase

Taking advantage of US distractions on the East Sea, the Rio Grande and the Electoral College, centuries-long ally France has filed a bevy of protests charging that the 1803 transfer of Louisiana to the fledgling United States was “felonious, illegitimate and reprehensible”. In addition, that nation pointed to the “cash-strapped cuckhold, Napoleon Bonaparte,” saying he “had no right to peddle our disputed territory west of the Mississippi for a paltry $15 million.”

That, they insist “is only half of The Swindle of New France”.

Wikipedia Map of the Louisiana Purchase or Vente de la Louisiane in 1803. The acquisition doubled the size of the existing United States. Although the land belonged to the indigenous people who had lived there for ions the white folks allegedly made the deal over a few Absinthes and a bucket of boudin.

Apparently the surprise Gallic disagreement rests with the purchase itself, which France says was the result of a spurious and illicit lease agreement, and that any grace period or honeymoon clause had long passed.

“It is right and just to return these prairies and bayous to the European country that first discovered” them,” petitioned the previous landlords at the Hague in 2022. Then back in July the Fifth Republic-on-Seine was calling for a balloon payment of 23 billion francs, citing legitimate interest and the lack of meaningful improvements. In the shadow of international law France had already won the first battle. In a change of course she now insists that the land is forfeit and that the tricolore should once again fly over the 828 square mile region “once again”.

In what may be proof of provocation, a dog-eared  dispatch was discovered under a wandering bunion tree tightly wrapped around three Arturo Fuentes, of unidentified origin. According to Ivory League ombudsmen on the scene the discovery was in actuality a meticulous, bloodthirsty battle plan aimed at seizing the land “by fire and sword” and driving the Americans back across the river.  Le Reconquerant, followed by The French Inquisition? Imagine the TV series. A segment of the worn clandestine document is as follows:

pain de Campagna  jambon  gruyere  oille  macaron  crevettes grises.

girolles  dijon  patates  bebe canard  vin  poivron  lait.

Another school of radical culinary thought postulates that the supposed battle plan is simply the former French president Jacques Chirac’s grocery list from way back at the turn of the century. As Francophiles know he shopped at the Versailles Piggly Wiggly on Saturdays between 10 and noon and always carried an assortment of coupons. He loved calculating costs down to the menut with an Algerian abacus, a gift from his Berber godmother.

Other political twits continue to insist it is a code calling for the invasion of New Orleans on Fat Tuesday in 2025.

“You  snagged the place for the price of a used car and now you wanna bitch?” Sneered Hobble Rigaud, a junkyard millionaire from Houma. “Nothin is dat cheap. You knew the day would come when somebody come along with all different paperwork.”

Meanwhile up in Quebec… The once- lucrative fur trade remains intact despite wild fires to the west and the loss of the Nordiques to Colorado following the French and Indian War. (Read: Black-clad Priests of the Madness are still paddling empty dugouts down shallow, Caucasian rivers of pioneer sprit, unmolested by the former custodians of the forests, the concierge of Red men.)

“They have amassed a military force capable of routing these “American ragamuffins, as they call them,” said Milton Boudreaux formerly of Plaquemines Parish. “Personally I ain’t worried ‘bout nuthin’, and I’ve always wanted to visit Paris and eat beignets and the occasional pigeon”.

Sabers continue to rattle. Dark words are exchanged. Mexico, Spain and a diverse band of Native American tribes are expected to declare war on the United States next Thursday after church. All hope to regain empires lost to sacred and sublime Manifold Destiny.

“Yes, a loose confederacy of Plains tribes, including Sioux, Arapaho and Comanche has painted up and returned to the war path,” added Rigaud.  “Plus the boys and girls over at the Empire of Mexico have extended catering alliances for the projected three-day event.

“I can’t wait to taste the chili relleno etouffe and refried gumbo,” he smiled. 

– Louis-Joseph de Montcalm

Writer’s Guidelines Told

Of the over 10,000 queries received by mail, by fax or slipped under the barn door only 3 actually turned into anything memorable and of that 3 only 2 actually made it onto the website. The one about the magnetic healing power of Benghazi sea salt was forwarded to our sister publication in Nova Scotia, where it washed out into the North Atlantic and is now somewhere off the coast of Iceland. As a result of this sad scenario our editorial staff has surmised that the best way to deal with all the paperwork is to refuse all future submissions and just do everything ourselves. However, considering the long arm of sour public relations, (We might end up stabbed in the back like The Rocky Mountain News) and the ramifications of running this periodical like those Reds run North Korea we have decided to buck up and stay the corpse.

It is with these trials in mind that sanjuanhorseshoe.com is releasing the first app in a series of corporate writer’s guidelines to be used in conjunction with literary submissions or, in a pinch, in the cat box. Here goes…

1. sanjuanhorseshoe.com is a tightly focused website. All material loosely relates to life on this planet and should be double-spaced. Gifts can and should be included with completed manuscripts. Suggestions include Cuban cigars, exotic cordials or socially expanding orchestrations. All gifts should be wrapped in pretty colored, often festive paper. Nylons and Hershey bars will be returned to sender since they represent a long-shed sexism and ignore most male members of the staff. We no longer offer free crayons. Please stop calling whomever you may be.

2. Assignments are made at least two decades in advance of publication. Don’t send us a summer story in 2024 and expect someone to read it by 2027.

3. Pay rates vary and will usually result in the sender paying postage. Financial arrangements will windup in our favor since you’re the one who sent the story in the first place. No soliciting.

4. If you think you’re Ernest Hemingway go to Spain. Hey, we hear Italy is hiring ambulance drivers.

5. Please forward all articles to the appropriate department so that all of the editorial staff is not plagued by your art. For example: If you have a gardening article don’t send it to sports and visa versa. For a better grasp of the departmental structure of this site try reading a few stories and applying basic common sense. Do not finish your final rewrite while still in your bathrobe. At least do us the common courtesy of getting dressed, and brush your teeth.

6. All articles should be aimed at the 4 -7 1/2- year-old market and should not include words discovered last night in your thesaurus. Our editors are highly trained professionals who can identify a charlatan in the verbatim wood pile faster than a fat man lines up for the free lunch after a pancake breakfast.

7. No faxes before noon, in fact no faxes at all until November since we are currently out of fax paper. No texts. No emails. No phone calls. No telegrams. No postcards. No Spacebook. No smoke signals. No notes in the mailbox.

8. Upon impact perusal of any category the prospective contributor will find an overwhelming segment of talent running through this splendid site. Don’t expect to enter this inner sanctum of the ill-behaved intelligentsia on the heels of some semi-illiterate piece like tips on buying croutons in bulk or the singles scene in Yuma.

9. All potential contributors will undergo a blood test and will be checked for lice before a final decision can be made regarding their work. Clean credit cards and nice touring cars gain special priority in acceptance.

10. All completed manuscripts could be used for bird cage liners, puppy catches, fish wrapping, cat box liners, oil filter receptacles and paper airplanes at a moment of rage and intolerance. We refuse to return submissions and, considering the above stated options how could we, and why would you want us to do so?

11. If you are still set on writing for this publication why not just buy it and run things your way.

     We hope these guidelines will help and welcome your input.     – Your _____ Team       

Homeless Trout Annoying This Summer

Gangs of the fish had begun congregating on the Gunnison River near Dos Rios Golf Club looking for a handout, and often looking for trouble as well.

The expected closure of the Roaring Judy Trout Hatchery could put as many as 40,000 unemployed trout on the street by creating a nightmare for police and social workers not to mention innkeepers and restaurateurs who are already overbooked for the season.

Insiders at the state level say the decision to shut down the longtime hatchery could be due to any number of things.

“Lots of time bureaucrats just spin the globe and point to an area that they want to fool with,” said Sal Mann of  Kebler Trout and Kokanee Services.

“It could be that some bored pencil pusher had a bad time on the Slate River last month or even something as silly as a jilted romance with a woman named Judy. It’s  astounding what goes on at the higher levels.”

-Small Mouth Bess

“21st Century religion is lacking in substance, spirituality, and dominated by control, fear and fairy tales. I long for the days when the Celtic warrior returned to his grand hall to praise his gods, the blood of his enemies still dripping from his heavy sword.”      – Finn McCool

How to deal with woodsy pests

If you are visiting our charmed sector this summer you may find yourself besieged by a variety of friendly yet bothersome creatures. These can be classified as pests. Some buzz you before the frontal assault and then sit back and laugh (Have you ever heard a hornet laugh?) as the victim breaks out in itches or welts on the exposed ankle, leg or forearm.
Some pests cruise the attic in the middle of the night like rodent bowlers, the last celebrants on a winning team. Larger varieties, when startled, eat people on hiking trails, but only on occasion and only on when the berries and maggots aren’t readily available.
Actually Western Colorado does not have so many pests compared to a paradise such as Louisiana or Arkansas, where critters rule the roost. Dangerous snakes are rare, scorpions, like lepers of old, live in secluded colonies and we just signed a non-aggression pact with the mosquitos.
Even the ferocious Bearded Mushroom Constrictor, common the flatlands of New Mexico and Arizona, has not shown its flushed, tiny face in this country, other than to secure provisions, since breakfast came in a tube.
Without sounding pretentious, this site would like to share with you some of the local, and often starkly primitive ways of dealing with these animal-induced inconveniences.

WOOD TICKS – If you happen to notice a wood tick or, for that matter, a non-wood tick crawling your arm or leg do not attempt to remove it by flicking it or smashing it like a common housefly. These parasites are far too smart for that. These must be removed by flame, a cigarette, or alcohol. Any other solution will cause the bastards to bury their tiny, filthy heads into your skin. Then they just hang out until you get lime disease or Rocky Mountain Fever. The merciless disease is particularly ravaging within the white, urban, granola backpacking set that make up 87% of the visitors to the forest in summer. Another Mother Earth approach is to sneak up on the tick and yell loudly into its ear. This causes them to back out of the burrow and flee the scene.
BEARS – The only menacing bear to be found in Colorado is the Grizzly, which doesn’t exist here unless you see one in the woods. Black bear, which make up most of the bruin roster, are generally docile enough but in reality they are bored and often consider frightening a two-legged geek to be a valid pastime. If a bear gets to close do not make eye contact and attempt to make yourself seem larger (like many of the visitors walking around down in town) and make a lot of noise. If this doesn’t work…stand your ground. If that doesn’t work run like hell.
MARMOTS – Although not technically pests these whistle pigs can be an annoyance near your house during an eclectic storm when they attempt forced entry for fear of the lightening. Often they will volunteer to do yard work after the deluge. The truth is that they won’t pick up so much as a leaf and will scatter into the mountains the moment your back is turned. Considered cute by the uninitiated these little woodchucks enjoy climbing into the engine compartment of a new four-wheel-drive and eating all the rubber hoses. Not to be confused with moose which are larger.
HUMMINGBIRDS – Only God knows why anyone would go out and spend up to $50 on a plastic hummingbird feeder, specifically designed to attract these hyper, winged neurotics to their porch or patio. A favored way to ditch hummingbirds is to mix ½ and ½ vodka and sugar water in their feeders. After a few stops the birds either avoid the area altogether or become regulars and lapse into retelling the story of their life or the day’s misfortunes. DO NOT GIVE THEM A BAR TAB. Do these flamboyant travelers really piggyback on Canadian geese? Some of us would pay good money for a photo of this behavior.
MOSQUITOS – Maybe the sleeper of the group the female mosquito can pass on malaria, encephalitis and other potentially devastating diseases without so much as disturbing your sleep, turning over the freezer or trampling the garden. Only the mosquito, and not even the treacherous no-see-em Zancudo, has a net named after it. Mosquitos are universally considered its and they don’t much like that. The experienced woodsman knows to quickly bring up their presence in camp conversation. They hate being talked about. Whispering, laughing and pointing at the mosquito works as well as expensive repellent. Offended buzzers will most likely find another victim rather than be humiliated. Fortunately mosquitos do not bite fools or schizophrenics.

– Marianne Mace

Heat Waves Drive Millions to Beach

You too can beat the heat in Bahia. Just be careful not to melt. (Toole Photo Service)