All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Missing Link White House Bid Picking up Momentum
In what political scientists are calling the jolt of the election year, the Missing Link has methodically paced the pack and currently commands an estimated 22% of the Presidential vote.
Scientists and government officials seek to seize the Missing Link so as to study the genetic connection between man and money.
According to recent polls and leaning precincts the primate’s White House bid looked shaky just months ago before the elusive fugitive from justice began slamming the airwaves with ads and carefully campaigning by train and tugboat.
His quirky bid has picked ups steam in unlikely domains in what were once seen as staunch conservative regions while endorsements pour in from improbable alliances. Geneticists, behavioral scientists and zoologists have expressed support saying the Missing Link is younger than the two frontrunners and impartial in the burgeoning world of partisan politics.
And the campaign just announced that it had raised over 4 million dollars since the Link declared his candidacy. 90% of these funds will not be blown on marketing and glad-handing but rather used to feed hungry people all over the planet.
Plus he is a master at swinging from tree to tree, a talent that might come in handy if he is elected.
“Once either of the major parties got wind of this share the wealth socialism the Link was dropped from consideration as a feasible candidate,” said one Washington pundit. “Radical ideas don’t win elections. Money does.”
-Fred Zeppelin
GET A JUMP START ON THE SUMMER WITH KASHMIR’S COCKTAILS
Sick of slamming beers or sipping gin and tonics with a wedge of lime on a hot afternoon? You’re not? Perfect. Here then are some indigenous alcoholic offerings to see you through those tough days at work or the lonely hours before the welfare check arrives.
GIN AND RUNOFF. Why waste perfectly good bottled drinking water when there’s a parasitic stream nearby. After about six of these babies everyone will be in the pool. You can bet on it! Make sure to rinse the sand and gravel out of the pitcher on each application. We suggest a cheap gin served in a martini glass or a plastic cup.
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. Somewhat radical in application but certain to satisfy. Can be made with rum or gin for a summer treat but generally concocted with Russian vodka straight out of the trough. Allow basic ingredients to mellow for at least three hours before consumption. Beats the hell out of most of Mr. Boston’s offerings and/or the manufactured wine cooler. A-9 on our map.
TROUT AND TONIC. When will it all end? This is another stream-side cocktail preferred by thirsty fishermen everywhere. Make sure to get the hook out before chugging! Dip your catch in a glass of tonic, garnish, then enjoy. Only 300 calories per fish!
THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR COOLER. A regional favorite especially along the Mason-Dixon Line, this mixture demands a shot of Southern Comfort with a bottle of Narraganset lager. First: Open the Narraganset. Smell that aroma. Take a swallow (swaller if you are in a border state). Then quickly refill that empty space with the Southern Comfort. After a few of these you’ll look like a southern belle lobster on ‘ludes. Hey it’s summer. You’re reasonably young. Hangovers always go away.
MINT JULEP W/ SIDE OF GRITS. This is the one they’re raving on about in Oxford, Mississippi! Sure, it’s just the old standby with a mint leaf clinging to a long-stemmed party glass but the grits…They say it all, y’all. Show your friends that being an afternoon lush can be amusing as well as tasteful. We suggest low cholesterol grits which can be had at any progressive liquor outlet.
JACK DANIELS AND ASPARAGUS JUICE. Made popular at the Crested Butte Athletic Club. It offers a nice kick while remaining on the healthy side of life. For a special treat add a splash of ditch water and top off with your favorite pollen.
ROAD KILL COLADA. Are you short of ice? This one can be enjoyed hot or cold on or off the highway. Just add your favorite mix. Suggestions are prairie dog and pineapple, magpie slush and blended venison grog.
HULA-HOOP TEA. Combine gin, bourbon, rum, scotch, vodka, brandy, cream de menthe and top off with imported beer. Imbibers will soon jump through hoops or anything else nearby.
LOAF OF BREAD AND A JUG OF MILK. This is simply a shot and a beer and has been a code word for sneaky sippers needing to get out of the house since Oliver Cromwell was a boy..
We hope you will experiment with all of these somewhat delicious KASHMIR COCKTAILS and effectively fall off your bar stool long before the leaves fall off the trees. Note: These drinks can be served in a non-alcoholic state by substituting yogurt and/or sprouts for the booze. Vegetarians are instructed to call the Wyoming Beef Council before digging as hidden underground cable could define the availability of crushed ice.
Master Algonquian with the Yaocomaco on St Mary’s Peninsula, Maryland. Two and six week courses now forming.
Includes meals and fishing gear. Greene Exit. Keep left.
Toole Frightened by ghost writers
(Mildcat Creek) It was supposed to be a secret. It was kept under wraps for decades but now the goose droppings have hit the hot tin roof setting off shockwaves as far away as your own backyard.
Yes, longtime supporters expressed shock at the seemingly childish relationship between the retired scribe and his literary support group.
“Sometimes you just have to write the boring, pointless story that goes with the funny headline if for no more than the affect on people skimming the news,” said one ghost writer who begged anonymity.
“Bad writing is bad writing either way even if the writer is simply whitewashing the scene with the wave of a tinker’s damn,” said another spirited scribbler, adding that Toole would have trouble writing his way out of a marshmallow bag.”
One former publisher defended the frightened journalist saying that for years Toole had been afraid of his own shadow and that separate cubicles had been employed to allow for word drainage and security.
“His reluctance to accept these helpers is the root of the issue,” explained the publisher. “He didn’t even show up at this year’s Bad Grammar Awards even though he was a late-inning shoe-in for some mindless trinket or another.
And all this amid confirmations that people all over the world are drinking more and enjoying it less.
– Mrs. Snowbody
“And you want to reform people like these when dynamite’s so cheap?”
– Carol Kennicott to Vida Sherwin in Main Street by Sinclair Lewis.
Gravity Levels Dangerously Low Friday
What with Ukraine, Gaza, Immigration woes, the worthless election and global warming it is surprising our scribes in the the literary trenches have time to tell us that our gravity levels are reaching epidemic proportions. They say we are approaching emergency levels with lines boiled in the sand.
What does it mean for the average American?
“It’s hit rural America the hardest with many smaller livestock samples remaining up in the air,” said one agro-economist in Greeley. “You have to realize that there are more livestock out in the country that have always counted on gravity as the enforcer. Maybe that is not the same now.”
Scientists fear that the assault on gravity is somehow linked to contaminated air and water in Third World countries. “Not our fault,”said one MAGA Republican. “I am so tired of people blaming my America for everything.
“It’s payback for colonialism, racism and the hype of everything from baseball to blueberries,” said a white liberal with a Black Lives Matter sign in his gated community in Foggy Bottom.
While in the major cities people have begun to question the need for gravity at all. “We have our cellphones and that keeps our feet on the ground,” said one.
Gravity exposed in Ouray County. Recent photo shows a little but not too much.
Environmentalists continue to harp about methane farts to blame while Republicans continue to call for more control (of everything but them) and ban books that divert the public attention from an assault on democracy.
Democracy and gravity go together hard-in-hand,” said the liberal voice. “It just kinda does.”
He did not elaborate further.
The Republican-led (for today) House has moved to ban gravity since it has not once been mentioned in the Bible. Not wanting to alienate a bone-chilling segment of its faith-based constituency, the extreme right continues to hold out for the Second Coming of the Dulles Brothers.
“How dare you insinuate that I would warm a proletarian bar stool in some concrete cathedral of cold beer and rum, hobnobbing and imbibing to the fullest extent of the law with the local peasantry?” – Tom Paine, anarchist
Trump Creeps Ahead of Putin in Bible Sales
With the final competition winding down Donald Trump remains slightly ahead of Vladimir Putin in the 2024 Sinner’s Salvation Bible Sales Competition.
In his rookie season, Putin, who has always been thought of as an party-line atheist, has shown keen response and swift service depending on which way the wind blows. Trump, on the other hand is an old hand at flimflam and was highly favored to dominate the competition only days ago.
Both men are friends of a sort, often working together to achieve mutually beneficial ends and keep hold on power in their respective nations. Each has targeted control groups that are most likely to drop $60 on a Bible.
While Putin’s Bibles are Russian Orthodox and feature photos of Joe Stalin, Vladimir Lenin Boris Yeltsin and Rasputin. He has achieved almost methodical success relying only on the passage “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” which appeals to many Russians who have neither. Trump’s holy books feature copies of the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights which neither has perused. Some contain discount coupons to fast food restaurants.
Already a majority of consumers have expressed dissatisfaction with the quality of the Bibles, made in Saudi Arabia. Some of Putin’s stock are regularly derailed and sent to gulags. Some show up late, with pages missing. Some shipments of Trump Bibles are no more than recycled Beijing phone books, according to middlemen in Singapore.
Meanwhile Mouse Democrats who haven’t bought any Bibles at all, say the two leaders will meet in on the western shore of Ellef Ringnes Island in the Sverdrup Islands, in the territory of Nunavut in Canada and be eaten by polar bears, fortunate enough to have survived global warming up until now.
They have accused Trump of aggravated raison d etat with respect to “lies, last breaths and 18th Century pistol duels”. Putin’s sales figures remain astounding considering his limited knowledge of the content of the scriptures.
“Frankly, since it wasn’t about me, I saw no reason to read the thing,” he shared through a translator.
A bird in the hand…
Hummingbirds, orchids, pumas, monkeys and an occasional sloth populate the Reserva de Ochides above Jardin, Colombia. Here we watch one such buzzer having a liquid lunch compliments of a visitor’s comfortable index finger.
